I remember, about 6 months ago, I kept that ring of mine and said that I will only put it on whenever the time allows or whenever is appropriate. 31 August 2009, I took it out and wore it for the first time... after 6 months of anticipation.(Analogy, if you can, try and decipher what I'm saying here.)
I was very excited.
(Don't get what I'm trying to say? Refer to the February post on 'Finger and Ring/ TMS and Me')
I was excited about wearing my JC uniform to see my secondary school teachers, telling them that they have done a great job in teaching me, telling them that I'm doing fine, there is really no need to worry much about me (In this case, I try not to worry them too much by telling them the truth - Which is of course I'm not doing so well.), wish them Happy Teachers' Day as well as catching up with them...etc.
As I set my foot on the second floor, outside the staff room/ outside the AVT, I felt a strong urge to cry. Many of my mugging-for-OLevels-moments were spent there. All the memories that I've delibrately tried to forget (and I thought I have forgotten) in order for me to move on, came rushing back to me. I felt extremely emotional. As I calmed myself down, and regained my senses, the first thing that I did was to look for my form teacher, Mdm Yeo and my Social Studies teacher Miss Soh.
We've talk about many things, but somehow I just couldn't remember the majority of the content of our conversation. It's not that I wasn't paying attention to the conversation, but I was too emotionally occupied when I saw them. Its like... I was experiencing an emotional turmoil inside me. I couldn't calm myself down. When I told them about my anxieties: about being retained, they said that judging by how I mugged for O levels, they have absolute confident in me that I'll make it.(On oe hand, I was glad that they have such confident in me, but on the other hand, I was afraid to disappoint them.) They also felt sorry and commented that stress had made me looked emaciated. I was touched.
Time passed by in the speed of light, and it was time for me to go. Before I left, I told Mdm Yeo that if I'm given a choice, I will stay in Temasek forever and never will I leave. Somehow she sensed that I was about to cry, she gave me a hug and told me that I have their numbers, I can call them whenever I need someone to talk to. Taking my emotion instability into account, by right, tears should gushed out any moment after she finished her line. But I don't want them to see the weaker/emotional side of me, I deperately tried very hard to hold back my tears, I quickly bid them goodbye and went off. On my way out, I saw my English teacher Mr Toh, my Ex-Chinese teacher Mdm Liang as well as my Ex-Musical teacher in-charge Miss Chia. We catched up a little and we partednot long after. I walked to the hall, took a glanced at it, reminisced about the time I've spent there: my first performance was held there, my first performing experience happened there, my first speech day certificate was received there...etc.
I realised that if I stay there any longer, I'll definitely go through emotional breakdown, hence I rushed out of the school immediately.
On my way back, I calmed down a little. But this time, emptiness overwhelms me. I felt incomplete. I felt that a part of me had been left behind. Immediately I knew, if I don't forget this trip back to TMS, I'll again fall into the deep pit of nostalgia and unable to move on. Which of course I wouldn't want it to happen because promos is just around the corner. I really don't want to screw things up because of my inability to let go of the past.
Now I want to erase this part of my memory. I want to delibrately forget this trip back to TMS. Well, I'm still in the process of erasing. (Because if I've erased it completely, this post wouldn't exist, would it?)
I'm taking off the ring now. Keeping it off my ring-finger indefinitely. After Promos.... perhaps.
Jean