Every year is like a new path, a new journey to me. Every year, I would set off with a goal/ an end in mind, hoping that I will achieve what I've aimed for.
This year, I seem to lack a goal. Actually, I don't have a goal... maybe to some,I do have something to achieve this year... but they are just not that kind of "end in mind" I'm looking for.
I don't know this is the "god-knows-how-many-times" this year that I've felt like this. Feels like I'm moving forward aimlessly - like moving with the flow; I'm "obliged-to-move-on-not-because-I-want-to". Then... I'll stop and ask myself where I'm heading to? But I never have an answer. Heading nowhere, I must say.
It is saddening to find yourself stuck with the flow and not able to do anything to get yourself out of the situation - The monotony of life; the expectations of people on you that you will never meet; the fact that you've lost the sense of control over many things; the uncertainties of future. Its dark and bleak. I dare not imagine, I dare not look forward.
I lost the power to control, I'm afraid... very afraid of what lies before me. Losing the motivation to move on at such young age... I feel sorry for myself. What will happen to me for the next 6 months? Actually the question should be, what will happen to us in the next 6 months?
Changes are always taking place... I thought I can adapt to it, but actually I still can't. Its never easy to deal with changes. I hate it, but sadly, thats life - ever changing.
Yes, I'm still walking on this path, hoping to find my answer and my goal along the way. Its one lonely quest, but I need to do this. However before I continue my search, I'll need to take a break and do some soul searching to clear my mind.
Jean