Random updates

Its a good thing that I hadn't been blogging lately.
Means, I'm feeling rather undisturbed. ^^
Well, Its a good sign to begin with.

Anyway, went for Angelyn's belated birthday party today. HAHA!
Had a great time. It was super fun, super happy but super tiring. T_T.
I was already half asleep before dinner. LOL!!!
Bowling was more sucessful than previous plays, glad I'm improving, and not the other way round. HAHA!!!
Still having troubles with my gastric, need to find a way to eliminate this problem. T_T

Leaving Singapore in 4 days time.
Well, I have half a mind not to go, and the other half a mind to just fly off now. Mixed feelings T_T. Gonna miss dear while I'm away; gonna miss out on all the fun with friends T_T; but I'm excited about the trip: shopping, teddy bear museum, the cold, the snow... Life is just full of ambivalence and dilemmas ain't it?

Applying for relief teaching, at least I would have something to do during the nine months break, and not idle around rotting like a couch potato.

Hmmm... probably getting my electric guitar on the 14 or 16 Dec, after I return from Korea.
JJ! Please inform me of the guitar sales, wait for me to go buy guitar stuff okay??? Thank you very much!!! ^^

Christmas is approaching and so does New Year.
I just have a simple wish, I hope year 2011 will be a better year than 2010.
2010 is ending soon, its time for my to leave the unhappiness behind and start afresh.

Jean

IT'S OVER!!!

THE NIGHTMARES ARE OVER!!!
Regardless the results, I knew I've won.
Because I've pressed on, and survived. (Not the physical pain but the emotional turmoil.)
Theres really nothing to be afraid of, because I have been through the bad, and the worse.
What awaits me ahead can only get better.

So... I'm free!!! ^^
...
...
...
So... Ya, I'm free!!! ^^
...
...
...
So... erm... so...what now?

Jean

Any more worse?

I just realised, I have a weak heart.
I'm still recovering from the shock caused by that sudden thunder.

Then my gastric problem acted up; My cable set-top went haywire and I had to call the operator for solution; In the end they didn't answer my callS; so I got really touchy; I still have to study for the paper tomorrow; I worry I couldn't answer my unseen tomorrow; Nothing is registering depite mugging whole day; I'm sleepy; I'm cranky... etc.. ARGH!!!!

Can today get any more worse?

Jean

Ever Ever After - Carrie Underwood

Nice song. ^^

Jean

Loosen the grip

I find it hard to forget.
If I have a life control keyboard, and if every events that had happened in my life were just some intangible system folders.
I would wish to delete those unhappy ones.
It would be so easy. Spare me the agony, just pressed that "Del" button and *POOF! I'm rid of unhappiness.

I really think going away for awhile would help. To sort out my thoughts, filter the depressing and frustrating stuffs away.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need a change, because I'm causing myself too much agony.

I need to start realising that I cannot always get what I want, or want everything to go my way and somethings just don't go according to plan.

For the last time, please, loosen that grip, or else you cannot break free.

Jean

Afraid

I just couldn't stop fighting with myself.
Why do I always have to allow this imaginary enemy torment me?
Please Jean, cut yourself some slack.

I'm not stable.
The funny thing is, even so, I can still rationalize my behaviour and warn other people that "I'm not stable therefore leave me alone and don't take my words seriously."
It feels like... I cannot recognise myself anymore...
I think... I'm afraid of myself...
I think... I'm afraid of losing...

You know, I've always thought that, If I hadn't answered that phone call and took that nap 9 years ago, maybe... I won't lose them.
It scares me... as the moment I hung up the phone, and when I opened my eyes... they had already left, already gone.
Then I realised the fact that it actually takes lesser than a mere second to lose somebody.
Perhaps, I'm just... afraid.

Who am I kidding when I say that I'm alright?
It has dawned on me that I'm just avoiding the issue everytime I'm confronted with it.
"Because I'm not facing it, so its not a problem... for now."
Escaping seems easy but its hard.
By the time, reality starts sinking in, you feel more pain than accepting it at the beginning.

I'm not entirely an optimistic person.
When it comes to something I care, I don't think I can handle the disappointment that follows the optimism.
I envy Net and daddy. To them, nothing is impossible. Even if they fell, they can still pick themselves up and say "Don't worry, its just a fall. I'll climb up that peak again."
But... why do I feel so restricted?

Will I be happier if I just don't care?

Jean

Plannings

8 down, 1 more to go. ^^

Well, my aunty was asking me what do I plan to do for the next 9 months, after 26 November.
I didn't answer her, because I couldn't.

Well, it was the kind of question that I ponder about the most, and yet fear the most.
Of course, I don't wanna idle my 9 months away, but at the same time, I couldn't think of anything to do.

Play my music?
A language course?
Drawing course?
Give tuition?
Work for my parents?
or... ?

I don't know, but I certainly need to do some serious planning.

The funny thing is, I have been planning for all of my life, and now, I'm quite loss, and don't know what to plan anymore.

26 November is just 3 days away, I need to start planning... like now?

Jean

Birthdays

Ahh birthdays. ^^
I love em. ^^
Its like you get to own a day out of these 365 days every year.
Isn't that great?! ^^

I don't know why but, second to Christmas, I love birthdays the most. ^^
Of all these years, so far, I only have 2 "The Most Memorable Birthdays".

One of which, was two years ago, when I was left home-alone to tidy up the house while the rest of the family went out shopping. (For once, I could feel myself in Cinderella's shoe).
That day was so ordinary, that I almost forgot that it was my birthday.
Of course, they bought home a small cake in the end... but there goes my birthday... cleaning the house. That birthday, topped my "The most uneventful birthdays I ever had" chart. T_T

The other one was last year, when I spent my 18th birthday in Hong Kong's Disneyland. ^^
To me, the amusing part was, I totally forgot that, that day was my birthday. (Partly because I wasn't feeling well. Yes, gastric.) Until my sis and my cousin pulled me to take birthday photos with... some random walking-Christmas-candy-sticks. LOL!!!
What was so memorable about it, was because I'm glad that I get to spent that day with Disney and of course, get to see my all times favourite - fireworks. ^^
To a certain extent, if you are watching it with the right person, it was quite romantic actually. HAHAHA!!!
Anyway, last year's birthday topped my "The Most Special Birthdays ever" chart. LOL!!!

* Of course, I wouldn't expect that all of my subsequent birthdays are as eventful as last year's. But I don't mind to have it again... erm this time, the Disneyland in US okay? HAHA!!! ^^

Well one more month to my birthday.
Start counting down!!!

Jean

Instruments

When I was playing Canon (in C major) just now, somehow it triggered a memory that I've forgotten a long time ago.

When I was younger, I used to tell myself and everyone that one day, I will learn and master the piano, the guitar, the trumpet, the saxophone, the violin and and the drums, so I can play Canon in D with these (my favourite) instruments.

Of course, up til this point in time, it never came true.
Nevertheless I'm pretty hopeful about it, though not all of the instruments stated above, I hope at least majority of them.
^^

Okay... that was random.

Jean

Answer

I've found the answer that I was looking for.
But the price to pay is unbearable.

But its ok, I know nothing in life is absolute, so I respect it and I totally understand.

I don't blame or resent anyone.
Really.
Words of honour.

Allow me some time to get used to it.
I'll be able to accept it.

Jean