I just couldn't stop fighting with myself.
Why do I always have to allow this imaginary enemy torment me?
Please Jean, cut yourself some slack.
I'm not stable.
The funny thing is, even so, I can still rationalize my behaviour and warn other people that "I'm not stable therefore leave me alone and don't take my words seriously."
It feels like... I cannot recognise myself anymore...
I think... I'm afraid of myself...
I think... I'm afraid of losing...
You know, I've always thought that, If I hadn't answered that phone call and took that nap 9 years ago, maybe... I won't lose them.
It scares me... as the moment I hung up the phone, and when I opened my eyes... they had already left, already gone.
Then I realised the fact that it actually takes lesser than a mere second to lose somebody.
Perhaps, I'm just... afraid.
Who am I kidding when I say that I'm alright?
It has dawned on me that I'm just avoiding the issue everytime I'm confronted with it.
"Because I'm not facing it, so its not a problem... for now."
Escaping seems easy but its hard.
By the time, reality starts sinking in, you feel more pain than accepting it at the beginning.
I'm not entirely an optimistic person.
When it comes to something I care, I don't think I can handle the disappointment that follows the optimism.
I envy Net and daddy. To them, nothing is impossible. Even if they fell, they can still pick themselves up and say "Don't worry, its just a fall. I'll climb up that peak again."
But... why do I feel so restricted?
Will I be happier if I just don't care?
Jean