Recently, I've decided to loosen my grip, just to allow a little overflow of emotions, that I've suppresed for far too long.
Sometimes, you just have to let them out.
Because, just when you think that you can handle the pressure your suppressed emotions have asserted on you, you actually can't manage them at all.
After talking things over, though still no resolutions to my worries and anxieties, I've reached a point where I'm a little more accepting than before, and in some sense, I'm ready and able to face them.
Though I'm still lost and am still uncertain about what the future may bring, the only one thing that I know perfectly well is that, as long as I know what I want, and I know what I'm doing, I won't go wrong.
Jean
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Guilt and fear
I was listening to the pieces I once played when I was in band.
Well, it certainly did bring back fond memories, and of course it brought back my guilt.
I kept asking myself, if I had stayed on, and not walked out on them, will things be different?
I was a quitter, and I think, as far as I'm concerned, to a certain extent, I am a quitter.
I have no confidence in my commitment level. I never had.
Even to the extent that I fear, that my commitment level towards music will fade off someday.
I fear, what if one day, I'll grow tired of music, or even things that I'm currently interested in.
I fear, that I cannot stay committed to something, and worse come to worst, even to someone.
Thats why, though I keep saying that I can't live without music, pictures, and stories, deep inside me, I know very well that I don't deserve to love them, and they certainly deserve better.
Because I don't qualify.
Because my heart and I are wanderers.
Jean
Well, it certainly did bring back fond memories, and of course it brought back my guilt.
I kept asking myself, if I had stayed on, and not walked out on them, will things be different?
I was a quitter, and I think, as far as I'm concerned, to a certain extent, I am a quitter.
I have no confidence in my commitment level. I never had.
Even to the extent that I fear, that my commitment level towards music will fade off someday.
I fear, what if one day, I'll grow tired of music, or even things that I'm currently interested in.
I fear, that I cannot stay committed to something, and worse come to worst, even to someone.
Thats why, though I keep saying that I can't live without music, pictures, and stories, deep inside me, I know very well that I don't deserve to love them, and they certainly deserve better.
Because I don't qualify.
Because my heart and I are wanderers.
Jean
Annoyed
Things are not going according to how they are planned.
Its annoying.
My gastric came back.
How nice, two days before the commencement of prelims, I felt extremely nauseous the whole morning, and have vomitted like 4 times already.
How wonderful.
Memorizing organic and inorganic chemistry is so torturous.
One can just die of brain overload anytime.
Sometimes, I really feel like just swallowing the whole book and save me the trouble of memorizing.
ANNOYED!!!
Jean
Its annoying.
My gastric came back.
How nice, two days before the commencement of prelims, I felt extremely nauseous the whole morning, and have vomitted like 4 times already.
How wonderful.
Memorizing organic and inorganic chemistry is so torturous.
One can just die of brain overload anytime.
Sometimes, I really feel like just swallowing the whole book and save me the trouble of memorizing.
ANNOYED!!!
Jean
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Good Morning!
I figured, nothing beats wishing those whom you care and/or you love, a "Good Morning" greeting, to start their (and of course yours as well) day on the right and high/optimistc note.
Even if you know the day will be a tiring one, and sometimes when you anticipated to have things not going your way, I believe, to a certain extent, a greeting message every morning/afternoon/night is a good reminder to those around you, that theres a bright side to everything, and to make them remember to always keep their morale high, because we need them to fight the upcoming battle.
Press on!
Jean
Even if you know the day will be a tiring one, and sometimes when you anticipated to have things not going your way, I believe, to a certain extent, a greeting message every morning/afternoon/night is a good reminder to those around you, that theres a bright side to everything, and to make them remember to always keep their morale high, because we need them to fight the upcoming battle.
Press on!
Jean
Monday, August 23, 2010
Ironic
How ironic of me, to dislike,yet, constantly seeking for changes.
It would have been so easy, if things were just the way as they were.
But NO.
I had to change.
It would have been so easy, if things were just the way as they were.
But NO.
I had to change.
I had to be so discontented with what I have.
I had to be so stubborn and wouldn't settle for anything less than what I want.
Why can't you just stick to the status quo, Jean?
Why do you have to be so difficult?
Change, or not change?
Jean
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Hope
It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.
- Robert H. Goddard
US physicist & pioneer rocket engineer
(1882 - 1945)
I shall remain strong and hopeful
So should you.
Jean
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
*Cough *Cough *Sniff *Sniff
Yeap. The flu bug caught me.
Well, I wasn't running away from it either, so yeah, serve me right.
The nose congestion is terrible, I can't smell anything and I sound weird.
Bleh.
Gotta catch some sleep.
Ciao!
Jean
Well, I wasn't running away from it either, so yeah, serve me right.
The nose congestion is terrible, I can't smell anything and I sound weird.
Bleh.
Gotta catch some sleep.
Ciao!
Jean
Friday, August 13, 2010
Be myself?
Can someone save Jean?
The real Jean.
She has fallen into a deep deep pit.
Unable to escape.
Surrounded by narrow darkness.
Obscured by multiple facades.
Trapped.
Masked.
She is dying to break free.
Can someone save her?
It is so difficult to be myself.
Its coercing me to conform to decorum of some sort.
Its heavy.
Restricted.
I tried all means to be perfect; but my efforts are futile.
Its difficult to be this 'perfect figure' when you are well aware that you are not.
PS: I find it funny when someone - whom I'm not exactly close with - told me that, she could sensed that I'm comfortably myself when I'm on stage.
Unbelievable?
Yes, I find it very hard to believe it myself too.
Jean
The real Jean.
She has fallen into a deep deep pit.
Unable to escape.
Surrounded by narrow darkness.
Obscured by multiple facades.
Trapped.
Masked.
She is dying to break free.
Can someone save her?
It is so difficult to be myself.
I feel like I'm adopting other's identity as mine.
I feel like I'm walking around with a shell over me. Dragging it along with me wherever I go. Its coercing me to conform to decorum of some sort.
Its heavy.
Restricted.
I tried all means to be perfect; but my efforts are futile.
Its difficult to be this 'perfect figure' when you are well aware that you are not.
I'm flawed.
I'm imperfect.
I'm afraid to be judged.
Can I be myself?
Can anyone accept a flawed Jean?
PS: I find it funny when someone - whom I'm not exactly close with - told me that, she could sensed that I'm comfortably myself when I'm on stage.
Unbelievable?
Yes, I find it very hard to believe it myself too.
Jean
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Fireworks 烟火
The fireworks were spectacular!
"Shining, Shimmering, Splendid"!
- Aladdin's theme: A Whole New World
How apt right?Split seconds of beauty had left quite an impression - that will most probably last for a long time - on me.
The fireworks exploded in the sky and sparkled.
Giving light, glow and life to the quiet and dark dark night.
Within those mere seconds, while indulging in the extravaganza of fireworks, they took me away.
The fireworks took my breath away.
They made me forget about my loads, expectations, responsibilities and anxieties.
A sudden yearn to pursue freedom.
A sudden urge to breakfree from entrapment.
I felt free. Free of loads. Liberated.
I'm comfortable with what I was feeling then.
I wanted it to go on forever.
However when the fireworks ceased... like fallen stars from above.
I was on the verge of breaking free; this close; so close - so close, and yet so far.
I was chained, before I could fly out of my cage.
The after-effect was overwhelming.
Emptiness, disappointment.
It felt like theres nothing to look forward to anymore.
I am trapped, once again, with loads, anxieties, responsibilities and expectations.
Its amazing how these split seconds could evoke such mixed feelings.
Nevertheless, I do appreciate the opportunity given, to allow me to escape from my anxieties, though it only lasted for quite a short while.
烟火绽放的那一刻，我感觉自己是幸福的，是快乐的。
逃离现实，暂且抛开烦恼，忘掉责任与压力。
啊！自由！
七彩缤纷映入眼帘，看得我目不暇给，还真的有点‘吃不消’。
我自私的想要那一瞬间永远停格；我想要烟火就这样永远地绽放下去。
当烟火消逝，失望与空虚涌入心头。
没了盼望，没了期待。
又得面对现实，被提醒了我是个有烦恼、有责任的人。
自由呢？不见了吗？
被束缚着，窒息。
我开始嫉妒烟火。
璀璨的烟火虽然只有那几秒的魅力，但至少它曾经灿烂过，曾经精彩过，它曾经在人们的心中留下印象 - 深刻的印象。
它会被记得的。
它是自由的。
它绝不屈服于被约束，被束缚。
绽放。
它的美是不切实际的。
它的美是属于它自己的。
就像孔雀开屏，它在炫耀自己的魅力，惹人妒嫉。
做个烟火吧。
学它的‘凡走过必留痕迹’。
学它的自信。学它的我行我素。
学它的‘人生观’∶ 即使只能‘活’这么一点时间，也必须‘活’得快乐，‘活’得潇洒，‘活’得漂亮。
PS: HAPPY 45th BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!!! :DJean
Fighting alone. A Lonely fight
It is saddening to know that no one believes in my capability to do well.
Failing the expectations people have of me.
Knowing that I've disappoint so many people.
It is definitely not the best morale booster I'm looking for.
(Well, at least when I was working hard for O levels, I had Miss Soh and Mdm Yeo around, to believe that I would do well.)
Now, I'm all alone to console and fend for myself.
Failing the expectations people have of me.
Knowing that I've disappoint so many people.
It is definitely not the best morale booster I'm looking for.
(Well, at least when I was working hard for O levels, I had Miss Soh and Mdm Yeo around, to believe that I would do well.)
Now, I'm all alone to console and fend for myself.
Fighting alone. A lonely fight.
Though I've mentioned that emotionally, I've gone far to low - so low to the extent that I couldn't go any lower - I realised that I'm not progressing up either.
Felt ignored, neglected.
The only way to feel better is to laugh everything off.
Pretend to be nonchalant. Aloof. Indifferent.
Pretending that I don't care, I don't mind.
Who else can I blame besides myself?
I haven't been proving myself anyway.
Anxieties. Doubts.
How can I survive through this ordeal?
Or should I ask...
Am I able to survive through this ordeal?
Fighting alone. A lonely fight.
Jean
Though I've mentioned that emotionally, I've gone far to low - so low to the extent that I couldn't go any lower - I realised that I'm not progressing up either.
Felt ignored, neglected.
The only way to feel better is to laugh everything off.
Pretend to be nonchalant. Aloof. Indifferent.
Pretending that I don't care, I don't mind.
Who else can I blame besides myself?
I haven't been proving myself anyway.
Anxieties. Doubts.
How can I survive through this ordeal?
Or should I ask...
Am I able to survive through this ordeal?
Fighting alone. A lonely fight.
Jean
Friday, August 6, 2010
Expression
The best way to express myself is through writing music and/or singing songs.
Its amazing for me to realise, how these lyrical diction and melodious tunes are better mediums to express myself than to converse with words.
(That explains why, I could relate myself to things like musicals. :P)
Music is an international language.
I couldn't agree more.
(Well, at least it is relevant to me. :D)
Jean
Its amazing for me to realise, how these lyrical diction and melodious tunes are better mediums to express myself than to converse with words.
(That explains why, I could relate myself to things like musicals. :P)
Music is an international language.
I couldn't agree more.
(Well, at least it is relevant to me. :D)
Jean
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Escape while you can
I feel like I'm running away from many things.
Frankly speaking, I'm quite amaze with my ability to deceive myself and/or escaping from reality.
Not to think about a problem, doesn't mean that the problem has been solved.
Sigh~ I ought to know this theory very well... however, I never seem to learn my lesson.
I'm well aware that if I cogitate.. or rather dwell further, I may land myself in the quicksand situation again. (The more I struggle to get something done, the more I'll fail doing so.)
I need to escape while I can. Yes, go ahead, criticise me. Say that I'm a coward, an escapist.
I don't mind, because I don't want to put myself in that grueling position again.
PS: It pains me to know that you are not ok... or rather, you were never ok.
It pains me to know that when you needed help, I can't seem to assist you in anyway.
I'm frustrated for not being much of a use.
I feel so helpless when I can only see you suffer from afar, and can't do anything to lessen your load.
Jean
Frankly speaking, I'm quite amaze with my ability to deceive myself and/or escaping from reality.
Not to think about a problem, doesn't mean that the problem has been solved.
Sigh~ I ought to know this theory very well... however, I never seem to learn my lesson.
I'm well aware that if I cogitate.. or rather dwell further, I may land myself in the quicksand situation again. (The more I struggle to get something done, the more I'll fail doing so.)
I need to escape while I can. Yes, go ahead, criticise me. Say that I'm a coward, an escapist.
I don't mind, because I don't want to put myself in that grueling position again.
PS: It pains me to know that you are not ok... or rather, you were never ok.
It pains me to know that when you needed help, I can't seem to assist you in anyway.
I'm frustrated for not being much of a use.
I feel so helpless when I can only see you suffer from afar, and can't do anything to lessen your load.
I'm angry with myself for not being there when you needed me.
...Sorry...
Jean
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Self-Convincing
Sometimes when something unpleasant happens, I tend to convince myself that I'm alright and I'm not affected.
However, I then realised, the more I try to convince myself that I'm alright; I'm not.
The more I try to convince myself that I'm not affected; I'm very affected.
The more I try to deny it's presence, its always there.
The more I harp on it, the more I'm hurt.
Self-convincing, I find, is just another form of self deception... another form of escapism.
(So what else is new?)
The best way is letting go.
Well, its easier said than done.
I find it hard to let go... don't you?
Time is definitely the best remedy.
Yes it will heal the wound, soothe the pain.
Now the question is... Do I have the patience for time to take effect?
Jean
However, I then realised, the more I try to convince myself that I'm alright; I'm not.
The more I try to convince myself that I'm not affected; I'm very affected.
The more I try to deny it's presence, its always there.
The more I harp on it, the more I'm hurt.
Self-convincing, I find, is just another form of self deception... another form of escapism.
(So what else is new?)
The best way is letting go.
Well, its easier said than done.
I find it hard to let go... don't you?
Time is definitely the best remedy.
Yes it will heal the wound, soothe the pain.
Now the question is... Do I have the patience for time to take effect?
Jean
Blabberings
I'm really looking forward to the long weekend.
At least I get to study at my own pace, and catch up with my revision plans.
I officially conclude, that homework are hindrances to self revision. They take up most of your time and they are extremely meaningless.
Went for NDP preview last saturday. It was ok, however, we were sitting at a position where we couldn't enjoy the fireworks to the fullest extent. So to make up for the disappointment, we will be catching it again on the day itself. :P
Everything seems to be going at such slow pace this week. I'm so lethargic!!! Can't wait for friday.
I'm beginning to dread night study, not because its useless, but because I'm lazy. :P Need to build up the stamina!!!
Literature is fun, but with the piling homework, I don't think you will find it fun anymore.
-_-
TIRED!!! D=
Jean
At least I get to study at my own pace, and catch up with my revision plans.
I officially conclude, that homework are hindrances to self revision. They take up most of your time and they are extremely meaningless.
Went for NDP preview last saturday. It was ok, however, we were sitting at a position where we couldn't enjoy the fireworks to the fullest extent. So to make up for the disappointment, we will be catching it again on the day itself. :P
Everything seems to be going at such slow pace this week. I'm so lethargic!!! Can't wait for friday.
I'm beginning to dread night study, not because its useless, but because I'm lazy. :P Need to build up the stamina!!!
Literature is fun, but with the piling homework, I don't think you will find it fun anymore.
-_-
TIRED!!! D=
Jean