Grounded

OK, the previous post was meant to end MAY. But I decided to post one more, out of sheer boredom.

When you are grounded, you can't go out. Not being able to go out, means no life, means I'll have to maintain contacts with my friends through virtual means.
However, sadly, I guess I'm just plain nuisance.
My friends couldn't be bothered about me. LOL
Hence keeping contact through virtual means = EPIC FAIL.

Its ok, so I shall resort to talking to myself.
I'm used to being a loner anyway :P

"OK, what shall we talk about today Jean?
HMMM... I don't know Jean. What would you like to talk about?
Shall we sing? Ehz Jean?
Gee, I don't know Jean, what song shall we sing?
HMMM... what about FMP's Tomorrow? We need to train our vocal cords you know Jean?
OK Jean, lets sing Tomorrow! :D"

A lame post to end May.

PS: Once again, I emphasize, YES! ITS MY FAULT! I GOT MYSELF INTO BEING GROUNDED, BECAUSE I DID BADLY FOR MY PREVIOUS SEMESTRAL ASSESSMENT. But do you really think I enjoy being locked in?
If you are unhappy with me not being able to go out, I can only suggest you to GROW UP.

JEAN

May

Last post for the month of May.

I belong to the group of people who will work VERY HARD for what they want.

I'm taking a risk here.
I've cancelled all of my tuitions and rejecting all other tuition offers, just because I want to trust myself, just because I want to prove myself that I can do equally well even without tuitions.

I only have myself to depend on.
If I fail my Semestral Assessment.
I guess I'm just one dead meat.

Nevertheless, I'd chose to take this risk.
I guess at a certain point in time, we HAVE to challenge our limits. :D

"If I can do relatively well for O levels, I don't see why I can't for A levels."

- Jean

On a side note... Now to think of it, TPGE only require one and a half year of commitment, I'm not surprise when I'm able to persevere to the end.

So, after A levels, if I ever make it to NUS, the next challenge for me would be, testing again, my perseverance level: 3 to 4 years of commitment in GENUS.

Its personal.

I need to train up my level of commitment and my perseverance level. If I can overcome my inability to persevere, theres nothing in life that I can't do.

After yesterday's experience with an ex-life skill trainer, I realised, life skill courses doesn't work for me. I'm self motivated. Well, it may work for others, but DEFINITELY not for me.

JEAN

Status Quo

Stick to Status Quo?

Never.

Jean

Compromise

OK, we have reached a compromise.

They will get me my electric guitar after my A levels.

I will not go out this JUNE and mug for my A levels.

Trading my freedom for my guitar
I guess... fair enough
Jean

Haunt

It has been a difficult month.
All of the emotional struggles and whatnot.
I try not to think about them now. Perhaps I'll feel better that way. Call me an escapist, I'm one, I don't care. Nontheless, I'm pretty aware that, as much as I don't think of it, it will still be there waiting to haunt me... or is it haunting me already?

Don't tell me to look on the bright side... because in my world, it is raining cats and dogs.

Reality will sink in anytime, or rather it is sinking in by the second.
How much longer can I escape from it?
Can I still deny its presence even though it is slowly creeping in?
I'm an idealist, I hate reality.
Can the ideal and reality co-exist?

Reality made me choose. The ideals allow the best of both worlds.
Though I prefer the latter, I can't.

I feel like shutting this world from mine.

Shut.
Jean

Hollow Heart

My life is pathetic.

I've nothing to look forward to anymore.

When I still have TPGE, at least I've somewhere to chill and hang out after a long and exhausting day/week.
When all has ended. I'm alone. I'm empty. I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how many can understand, but all the restrictions and expectations are overbearing.

I have no idea how having an electric guitar is distracting. I didn't wanna ask, because they are going to give me the same answer all over again.

I'm feeling numb, and indifferent.
Everything seems so meaningless.
I can't seem to find the direction.

Frankly speaking. I'm lost again. Or perhaps, I never had found my way? Perhaps... I'm always lost.

I don't know why, this year has been so tiring for me.
Maybe not doing anything would make me feel happier.
Maybe just stare blankly to some random space would make me feel better.

I question the purpose of my existence.

I don't feel whole. I feel a hole inside me. Hollow.

I can't emphasize my emptiness any further. Because when its empty, its empty.

Maybe in the near future, I'll start to lose my senses. I'll forget how to smile, how to laugh, how to joke. Maybe the fun side of Jean will be gone... Soon... Or maybe, it's gone already... I don't know.
Like what my friend said, we will get more and more tired, more and more cranky as the day goes by... Tolerance level will decrease by the second.

Yes, I couldn't agree more.

It has never been so difficult. I don't understand. Nothing is going right for me.

PS: Should I still fight for my guitar?
Empty... Hollow
Jean

Energy bar = Empty

OK. I know I've complained that I'm exhausted and tired for god knows how many times. But feeling so fatigue, to the extent that I can doze off at any place and any time was a first.

If I'm a phone, my battery's energy level is only half a bar. Soon, the signal: "Battery empty, please recharge." will appear, and *PLOP! I'll just fall into a deep sleep. LOL (OK, thats pretty dramatic.)

Anyway, I couldn't emphasize more, that VIVACE! was a huge success, I still can't get over it.

I need to get my head back into academics, because I've promised myself and everyone that I'll do so. Even though theres guitar handover camp, and whatnot, I can't really devote myself as much now... :( My mum has been nagging these two days that I really should start hitting the books. So, I may not finish Lotus Eaters, Pirates of the Carribean, Jalousie... etc. SADNESS to the MAX!!! But I'll try. Maybe I'll play it when everyone is asleep or something. Hope it works!!!

LOL
Jean

The last note - The end of the journey

As the last note of Bach's Sleepers Awake rang and stopped yesterday, our TPGE journey ended along with it as well.

We started off with nothing. Not even able to play the easiest songs.

When nearing the competition period, when we still couldn't play as well as we oaught to, worries and anxieties were overwhelming. We worry that we can't even make it for the top 3.

WE DID IT.
We gave our best.
We clinched it. We claimed the first prize for the 4th Annual Guitar Competition, last month 17 April 2010.

"We were FIRST in the competition".

-Angelyn Wee

We had met alot of obstacles when we were preparing for "Vivace!". Many things did not go according to plan. Many of us were tired, demoralised, irritated, annoyed and whatnot.

We worry together, fret together, stressed together and cried (ok luh... not that dramatic) together. Nontheless, we worked hard together to solve all problems we faced possible.

And in the end, I guess we made it through the rain!

"VIVACE!" 2010 was a success!!!

"We are the FIRST batch to have a FULL HOUSE concert. "
"We are the FIRST batch to have plenty of rehearsals just for a concert."

-Angelyn Wee

It goes to show, if you have put in your effort, it will definitely pay off!!!

It was a touching moment when the ensemble reached the final phrase and the last note of Sleepers Awake.

I can't deny that when I reached the final phrase, my eyes were tearing.
My hands were reluctant to continue. I was reluctant to continue.
I closed my eyes, to enjoy the last ringing of the last few notes. I felt our love for music. I felt our passion for TPGE.

I wish we hadn't finished the song, I wish "Vivace!" didn't end, I wish yesterday could go on forever.

Sleepers Awake holds great sentimental value to all TPGE members, if not, at least for me. :D
We won first prize with Sleepers Awake. We sort of started off our TPGE journey with Sleepers Awake. And yesterday, we ended the journey with Sleepers Awake.

My last note was an E. I'll always remember that.

"TPGE always seriously shine during the right time"

-Angelyn Wee

I couldn't agree more. Hence this makes our one and only brilliance more valuable and touching.

~Something more personal.... :D

I remember, a few months ago, I was contemplating whether to take up the role and challenge of being a section leader or not.

My dilemma was because firstly, I'll be transferred to a new section which I'll have to spend more time to relearn all the songs.
Secondly, in terms of my ability, I did not believe I could do it.
Lastly, was my commitment level. I feared I couldn't commit as I'm expected to.

I accepted the offer in the end. Although I'm not a very good Section Leader, I'm quite happy with myself and that I'm given this opportunity. Many thanks to those who had recommanded me, and Dominic, Jun Jie, Jay and Jovi for teaching/guiding me along the way.

TPGE gave me a chance to conduct. Yesterday was my first and the probably my last time conducting. Although I'm not very good at it I had enjoyed myself. A good experience.

And I'm very grateful to Angelyn and Mr Choo for giving me this chance. I thank all Exco members for your feedback.

~On a side note...

Many asked me why am I still holding on to TPGE, even if I knew perfectly well that I can't balance my studies and CCA. They asked me: "What are you trying to prove?"

I told all of them: "I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm not a quitter. I'm trying to prove that my commitment span is not that short. I'm trying to prove to myself that I can perservere. I'm trying to prove to everyone that I will not walk out on any party ever again, even if the situation is problematic and disastrous."

I guess I've proved it.

~ To take this chance...

THANK YOU: TPGE.

THANK YOUS:

Angelyn - For giving me alot of opportunitites and being a great friend. I really can't thank you enough :D

Dominic - For being a great friend and your hard work - Printing matters LOL :D

Shanen & Wan Zhen & Wai Ping - For being a great friend always there to make me laugh :D

Jovi, Dominic, Willis & Jia Rong - Six Harmonix wouldn't be possible without you people. Our debut was a success!!! KEEP IT UP AND ON!!!!

Jay & Jun Jie - For your guidance. Jay - Sleepers Awake and Jun Jie - Your constant feed back on my singing and stage presence. They helped :D THANKS!!!

Eugene & Ernest - for your hard work and being a great friend :D

And thank you to those TPGE members who have helped me and assisted me in any way, along the way.

I have alot of emotions and feeling inside me, but whatever I wanted to say/express were practically what everyone had said, and my TPGE journey/ experience can't be easily concluded/summarized with just a few words and phrases. So, I guess I need not say more. LOL We all felt the same way.

Undeniably, the future without TPGE will definitely be pretty boring and empty. I'll treasure whatever memory I had with TPGE. (From last year's Panorama to the June camp, to this year's competition, to yesterday's "Vivace!"... et cetera.)

Batch: TPGE 0910 has a great bunch of extraordinary people.
To all TPGE members who read or don't read my blog:

"Everyone, I sincerely wish you people all the best for everything in life, never give up when things are not going your way, they will definitely get better and Lastly... ROCK ON! :D"

Keep in touch :D

Jean

Fatigue

It is so true when I say this week I'm going to be uber tired.

I headbanged for almost all the lessons and lectures this week. Nothing went in, nothing registered at all.

I ought to sleep now.

LOOONNNGGG LOOONNNGGG DAAAYYY tomorrow.

Keep Pressing On!
Jean

Escapist

Sometimes after a long period of dejection, when I thought I've moved on, when I thought I could finally bury whatever thats related inside me;
Then when something suddenly triggers that long untouched memory, it has dawned upon me that all along I've always, and still am at that same spot.

I've not moved on, I've not progressed at all.

Maybe a little.
But definitely not a big step.

Have I not try to forget?
Have I not try hard enough?
Have I chose to escape and avoid that part of reality, when I should be facing it?
Have I lied to myself?
Do I really know myself?
Do I really know what I want?

I'm quite lost now.
How on earth did I land myself in such a mess?!

"Jean, you can lie to everyone in this world but no point lying to yourself. It ain't gonna help."

True That.
Jean