I've done a lot of thinking this week... (yes I know I'm always thinking about something but this week MORE cognition is done.)
I've decided what to do after CNY, whether they like it or not, I've made up my mind.
I feel that I'm old enough to decide for myself. Even if you think that what I'm doing will be utterly useless and a waste of my time... then I feel that, you should just let me go and let me learn it the hard way. Call me stubborn for all I care, but I only lead this life once, I ought to do something crazy/that I like once in awhile. If I have to be so practical all of the time, seriously, its tiring. Stop imposing your views on me. I need to be independent so I implore you... Let Me Go.
Chinese New Year is just around the corner. When I was younger, it really used to be such a big thing. Preparations here and there: buy new clothes, go for a hair cut, go all the way down to chinatown to buy some new year goodies blah and so on... but as we grew older, all of these preparations seem to be such a chore. We don't prepare stuffs anymore. Its no longer a must-do. I think its sad... actually. I envy families who still cherish such traditions.
After next week, my new year resolution officially starts.
1) Yes I won't be lazy and I'll be diligent.
2) I will do something useful this year.
These two are the utmost important resolutions for the year of rabbit. ^^ I aim to accomplish them. By the end of this year, I hope that I can proudly say that I've accomplish my resolutions. ^^
Kay kay time out ^^
Toodles!!!
Jean
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Shopping ^^
Yes, went shopping today!!!
HAHA!!! Didn't buy a lot, but, one piece already cost a bomb, so, I'm broke now. T_T
I need to choose 2 sets out of the 3 sets of clothes I've prepared for Chinese New Year... HEADACHE NOW!!! HAHA!!!
Thank god, shopping kept me occupied today, or else I'll die if I keep thinking about dear. ^^ So yup yup, haha!! HAPPY DESHOU~ ^^
I think I sprained my left pinky while practicing piano just now. Told my teacher about it, and she was like: "Ok, we will do theory tomorrow then, I know I asked you to practice your exam pieces, but you don't have to practice until like that right?"
I didn't tell her, but the truth is... I was practicing other songs, not my exam pieces :P
HAHA!!!
Till then
Toodles ^^
JEAN
HAHA!!! Didn't buy a lot, but, one piece already cost a bomb, so, I'm broke now. T_T
I need to choose 2 sets out of the 3 sets of clothes I've prepared for Chinese New Year... HEADACHE NOW!!! HAHA!!!
Thank god, shopping kept me occupied today, or else I'll die if I keep thinking about dear. ^^ So yup yup, haha!! HAPPY DESHOU~ ^^
I think I sprained my left pinky while practicing piano just now. Told my teacher about it, and she was like: "Ok, we will do theory tomorrow then, I know I asked you to practice your exam pieces, but you don't have to practice until like that right?"
I didn't tell her, but the truth is... I was practicing other songs, not my exam pieces :P
HAHA!!!
Till then
Toodles ^^
JEAN
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Let go
Spending time playing piano (not exam pieces) really take my mind off a lot of things.
Letting go... its quite an art to master... We all have to let go at certain point in life ya?
Yeah... its difficult at first, its cos you are just not used to it. After you are able to pull through that period, everything will be fine.
I'm trying to let go... a lot of things actually, because only then I can be happy. Unfortunately, it will be more difficult for me because I have to let go of things which I had held on to since almost ten years ago.
Unload myself.
Anyway, though I'm working for Acme Focus, I really have nothing much to do. So right now, I'm like rotting at home everyday? But I'll expect a heavier workload after Chinese New Year, so now I'm like super free? Yes, super free. So I'll Junior, I'll play piano, I'll draw, and yes complete that thousand pieces puzzle, do my music homework.
I'm just too lazy to get started... but once I start I can't stop. Oh yes, I'm that sort, if you get me addicted to do something, I'll keep doing it everyday. But the key is, you have to get me started. if not, I'll just rot... all day... I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!!
Jean
Letting go... its quite an art to master... We all have to let go at certain point in life ya?
Yeah... its difficult at first, its cos you are just not used to it. After you are able to pull through that period, everything will be fine.
I'm trying to let go... a lot of things actually, because only then I can be happy. Unfortunately, it will be more difficult for me because I have to let go of things which I had held on to since almost ten years ago.
Unload myself.
Anyway, though I'm working for Acme Focus, I really have nothing much to do. So right now, I'm like rotting at home everyday? But I'll expect a heavier workload after Chinese New Year, so now I'm like super free? Yes, super free. So I'll Junior, I'll play piano, I'll draw, and yes complete that thousand pieces puzzle, do my music homework.
I'm just too lazy to get started... but once I start I can't stop. Oh yes, I'm that sort, if you get me addicted to do something, I'll keep doing it everyday. But the key is, you have to get me started. if not, I'll just rot... all day... I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!!
Jean
Monday, January 17, 2011
Restart
I'm determined to be happy this week.
So, troubles, you can just shoo off to a corner and I deal with you some time later.
Escaping again? Yeah I guess so. Then again, if I can't solve them now, why don't I leave them til later.
Anyway, packed my room... it looks much tidier now, but the way I stack things up... I sense something ominous coming the way. Junior got a new place to settle now and mum won't threaten to throw him away anymore... but I'm at this constant fear that he will fall from that place... so ya, I'll have to be extra cautious...
On a side note, nothing beats crying in Blueberry's arm, he is such a dear, so cuddly and so comforting. ^^
OKay, time to wrap up my unhappiness and restart. Thank god its still January, 2011 will be a good year, I'm pretty sure. ^^
My Roller Coaster is starting to go up now ^^
Jean
So, troubles, you can just shoo off to a corner and I deal with you some time later.
Escaping again? Yeah I guess so. Then again, if I can't solve them now, why don't I leave them til later.
Anyway, packed my room... it looks much tidier now, but the way I stack things up... I sense something ominous coming the way. Junior got a new place to settle now and mum won't threaten to throw him away anymore... but I'm at this constant fear that he will fall from that place... so ya, I'll have to be extra cautious...
On a side note, nothing beats crying in Blueberry's arm, he is such a dear, so cuddly and so comforting. ^^
OKay, time to wrap up my unhappiness and restart. Thank god its still January, 2011 will be a good year, I'm pretty sure. ^^
My Roller Coaster is starting to go up now ^^
Jean
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Breaking point
Yeap, I've finally reached my breaking point.
Suppression doesn't work... at all. In the end, when I break down crying, I don't even know why and what I'm crying for...
I've fallen yet again in to that hole...
Worst part is, I don't even feel better after crying...
Anyway, I'm very tired with myself again. I thought all the going out will take my troubles away, but no... they are always haunting me. Staying at home just makes me feel even worst. I hate being caught in the middle. Didn't know it was that scary... I didn't know what to do... at a lost.. who should I help? I don't know... I have to take a side, take a stand, but either side will hurt either party... my mind is in a mess... it was really awful.
I tried to make myself forget... but no! I just can't let go!!! What should I do?!
I'm neither here nor there.
I'm simple yet I'm complicated, which makes me as a person even more complex. I expect complexity out of simplicity... too 'deep' for you? Yes, thats me.
I want to escape, leave everything behind... Just be happy for a day... just a day... is it that hard???
I'm not happy.
I'm really not.
I'm very miserable....
Jean
Suppression doesn't work... at all. In the end, when I break down crying, I don't even know why and what I'm crying for...
I've fallen yet again in to that hole...
Worst part is, I don't even feel better after crying...
Anyway, I'm very tired with myself again. I thought all the going out will take my troubles away, but no... they are always haunting me. Staying at home just makes me feel even worst. I hate being caught in the middle. Didn't know it was that scary... I didn't know what to do... at a lost.. who should I help? I don't know... I have to take a side, take a stand, but either side will hurt either party... my mind is in a mess... it was really awful.
I tried to make myself forget... but no! I just can't let go!!! What should I do?!
I'm neither here nor there.
I'm simple yet I'm complicated, which makes me as a person even more complex. I expect complexity out of simplicity... too 'deep' for you? Yes, thats me.
I want to escape, leave everything behind... Just be happy for a day... just a day... is it that hard???
I'm not happy.
I'm really not.
I'm very miserable....
Jean
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Tired...
Suppressing my emotions has become my forte. A skill that I've honed over the past 19 years.
From a temperamental kid who explodes whenever I like, to someone who would rather bottle up all the emotions and not hurt anyone - anymore - with my flaring-ups... I guess age and experiences have mellowed me over the years.
If you think that my flare-ups now are intolerable, then please imagine... my flare-ups a few years back were ten times, no.. a hundred times worst.
But seriously... suppression? me? No one would ever believe that I'm always controling myself. Always reminding myself that I shan't make a scene; a fool out of myself in the public. Yes, I'm always controling, trying to manage my anger. Yes, I failed sometimes, but you see... I'm human, I'm flawed.
It has been a rather tormenting week I must say. Bugged my immature worries - yes, I'm struggling to grow up, but I can't.
I'm aware of a lot of things, but half of me always tries to go against the truth. I already know what I want and what the answers were, but I always have to convince myself that it isn't so. I am so afraid to make another wrong decision. I am so afraid I might lose something again.
Reconciling my thoughts with the truth... Why is it so hard to accept the truth?
What I have now seems so intangible... why am I always worrying that I might lose them anytime?
Don't I deserve them? To be loved?
What have I done wrong, so much so that I always have to worry that you might take them away from me?!
I can't feel anything except fear. Its eating me. Yes. Its fear.
I'm so tired... I really am...
Jean
From a temperamental kid who explodes whenever I like, to someone who would rather bottle up all the emotions and not hurt anyone - anymore - with my flaring-ups... I guess age and experiences have mellowed me over the years.
If you think that my flare-ups now are intolerable, then please imagine... my flare-ups a few years back were ten times, no.. a hundred times worst.
But seriously... suppression? me? No one would ever believe that I'm always controling myself. Always reminding myself that I shan't make a scene; a fool out of myself in the public. Yes, I'm always controling, trying to manage my anger. Yes, I failed sometimes, but you see... I'm human, I'm flawed.
It has been a rather tormenting week I must say. Bugged my immature worries - yes, I'm struggling to grow up, but I can't.
I'm aware of a lot of things, but half of me always tries to go against the truth. I already know what I want and what the answers were, but I always have to convince myself that it isn't so. I am so afraid to make another wrong decision. I am so afraid I might lose something again.
Reconciling my thoughts with the truth... Why is it so hard to accept the truth?
What I have now seems so intangible... why am I always worrying that I might lose them anytime?
Don't I deserve them? To be loved?
What have I done wrong, so much so that I always have to worry that you might take them away from me?!
I can't feel anything except fear. Its eating me. Yes. Its fear.
I'm so tired... I really am...
Jean
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Dream is a wish your heart makes
Good movies, I don't mind watching them twice or thrice. The record was four times of "Knight and Day". HAHA!!!
Anyway, heres a nice song for everyone!!!! DON'T GIVE UP YO!!!
Jean
Anyway, heres a nice song for everyone!!!! DON'T GIVE UP YO!!!
Jean
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
For you ^^
Sometimes, I just need to talk things over and I'll be fine. Trashing things out, coming clean, it hurts but, at least I feel more comfortable.
Yes, after talking to daddy, to mummy, to Net and to dear, I feel like all my troubles are gone. Now the rainy clouds are gone, finally I can enjoy my 2011. Sunshine Yo!!!
But... can I ever expect everyone to tolerate my temperament?
Maybe, it would work for a couple of times, but for a long term basis... people will just get irritated and leave me. (With the exception of my family LOL)
I feel apologetic... especially to dear. I hadn't been nice (short tempered), I had issues, I'm asking so much, yet he tolerated it all. I'm thankful yet apologetic.
Now is finally sunshine over the rain. I'm relief.
Now I'm in the right mood for a post for dear ^^
Believe it or not, just when I thought I'll always be the minor role of my love life, he came in and proved me wrong.
I intended to step behind the scene and conceal my feelings til time make me forget. Until that fateful day, I realised, I'm no longer that minor character I thought I was because he, my dear, entered my life.^^
Unbelievable, I thought I was living in a dream. It took me quite awhile to register that all these are real.
I'm glad that I've found him, because there are really times where I don't know what will happen to me without him. He is the best thing that had happened to me. ^^
I'm short tempered, I get irritated relatively easily. I'm really thankful that he tolerated it all.
My only wish is that I hope that our love will last longer than eternity. ^^
Love him always. ^^
Jean
Yes, after talking to daddy, to mummy, to Net and to dear, I feel like all my troubles are gone. Now the rainy clouds are gone, finally I can enjoy my 2011. Sunshine Yo!!!
But... can I ever expect everyone to tolerate my temperament?
Maybe, it would work for a couple of times, but for a long term basis... people will just get irritated and leave me. (With the exception of my family LOL)
I feel apologetic... especially to dear. I hadn't been nice (short tempered), I had issues, I'm asking so much, yet he tolerated it all. I'm thankful yet apologetic.
Now is finally sunshine over the rain. I'm relief.
Now I'm in the right mood for a post for dear ^^
Believe it or not, just when I thought I'll always be the minor role of my love life, he came in and proved me wrong.
I intended to step behind the scene and conceal my feelings til time make me forget. Until that fateful day, I realised, I'm no longer that minor character I thought I was because he, my dear, entered my life.^^
Unbelievable, I thought I was living in a dream. It took me quite awhile to register that all these are real.
I'm glad that I've found him, because there are really times where I don't know what will happen to me without him. He is the best thing that had happened to me. ^^
I'm short tempered, I get irritated relatively easily. I'm really thankful that he tolerated it all.
My only wish is that I hope that our love will last longer than eternity. ^^
Love him always. ^^
Jean
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Back in business
Feeling a lot better now.
(Besides the Jaime photo Addie showed me), daddy had untied one of my emotional knots, and planning has been going on fine... but why I cannot entirely free myself from the emotional state of being troubled?
I mentioned I haven't done a proper drawing since 2 years ago, now I shall get back into drawing. ^^ Hope my right hand hasn't turn rusty yet haha!!! Quite a challenge to start drawing now haha!!!
Current self-appointed "Projects" are: New year drawing; Family Tee and probably do a couple tee for me and dear haha!!! Why spend money on other people's design when I can draw it myself :P haha!!!
Deadline: BEFORE CNY.
Yup not much time left, gonna start work now!!! HAHA!!!
JEAN
(Besides the Jaime photo Addie showed me), daddy had untied one of my emotional knots, and planning has been going on fine... but why I cannot entirely free myself from the emotional state of being troubled?
I mentioned I haven't done a proper drawing since 2 years ago, now I shall get back into drawing. ^^ Hope my right hand hasn't turn rusty yet haha!!! Quite a challenge to start drawing now haha!!!
Current self-appointed "Projects" are: New year drawing; Family Tee and probably do a couple tee for me and dear haha!!! Why spend money on other people's design when I can draw it myself :P haha!!!
Deadline: BEFORE CNY.
Yup not much time left, gonna start work now!!! HAHA!!!
JEAN
Repetition
My mood hasn't improve much since 31 dec 2010.
Theres still a nagging frustration inside me, which I cannot ignore.
Yea, I guess its pretty obvious, I love to escape. Its like a pain killer, ya, it soothes your pain now, but the pain will come back eventually.
I realised only 2 things in life can sway my emotions to both sides of the extreme. And I realised, no matter how selfish I am, I live for them. Whichever decisions I make are because of them. Its hard for me not to do so, because I've been doing that for years, and I don't think I'll stop anytime soon. Yes, its tiring and suffocating. I resent it, I dislike it, but I'll still do it, because I want them to be happy.
I realised, only Net knows me the best. Its like we have that telepathy which enable us to even predict accurately what one another will say next and what one another are thinking about. I know when she is not alright, likewise, she can sense when I'm not feeling okay. I'm really thankful to have her as my sister, because she is the one who is there when I'm unhappy, and will tolerate me everytime when I rant and flare up when I'm irritated (when she is not the one at fault).
Anyway, further rants will only be a repetition, shall end it here.
Jean
Theres still a nagging frustration inside me, which I cannot ignore.
Yea, I guess its pretty obvious, I love to escape. Its like a pain killer, ya, it soothes your pain now, but the pain will come back eventually.
I realised only 2 things in life can sway my emotions to both sides of the extreme. And I realised, no matter how selfish I am, I live for them. Whichever decisions I make are because of them. Its hard for me not to do so, because I've been doing that for years, and I don't think I'll stop anytime soon. Yes, its tiring and suffocating. I resent it, I dislike it, but I'll still do it, because I want them to be happy.
I realised, only Net knows me the best. Its like we have that telepathy which enable us to even predict accurately what one another will say next and what one another are thinking about. I know when she is not alright, likewise, she can sense when I'm not feeling okay. I'm really thankful to have her as my sister, because she is the one who is there when I'm unhappy, and will tolerate me everytime when I rant and flare up when I'm irritated (when she is not the one at fault).
Anyway, further rants will only be a repetition, shall end it here.
Jean
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Rainy Cloud
I didn't want my first post of the year to be a depressing one, haha, so the previous post is purely there to liven things up abit.
Seriously, I keep feeling that theres a rainy cloud following me everywhere, glooming over my head.
I'm frustrated and I HATE it when people break their promises, patronizing me when they are not serious about what I'm saying. I'm irritated with myself for being impulsive. Why am I always the one who give in? I'm angry with myself for not being able to plan and end up losing my way. I don't like it when they are not there to guide me. I'm nineteen but I'm independent. I want to tell them I've grown and I know what to do, but I'm angry at myself for lying so. I feel burdened. I feel neglected. I feel lonely. But what can I expect from them? I can't always make them worry. I want to tell them I still need them, but it seems like I can no longer depend on them anymore. I'm lost, I don't know what to do... who can I turn to and give me some real answers to my problems?
On top of these, I'm still struggling to decided if I should buy myself an electric guitar. Is it out of impulsion? or passion? I wanna test myself, but...
It seems meaningless now. Apologies seems so cliche, does it still mean what it meant? Thats why sometimes I'm so reluctant to apologise, because it never seems enough to redeem myself. I'm sick of it.
Why is it so tiring?
Will all these ever be resolved?
Jean
Seriously, I keep feeling that theres a rainy cloud following me everywhere, glooming over my head.
I'm frustrated and I HATE it when people break their promises, patronizing me when they are not serious about what I'm saying. I'm irritated with myself for being impulsive. Why am I always the one who give in? I'm angry with myself for not being able to plan and end up losing my way. I don't like it when they are not there to guide me. I'm nineteen but I'm independent. I want to tell them I've grown and I know what to do, but I'm angry at myself for lying so. I feel burdened. I feel neglected. I feel lonely. But what can I expect from them? I can't always make them worry. I want to tell them I still need them, but it seems like I can no longer depend on them anymore. I'm lost, I don't know what to do... who can I turn to and give me some real answers to my problems?
On top of these, I'm still struggling to decided if I should buy myself an electric guitar. Is it out of impulsion? or passion? I wanna test myself, but...
It seems meaningless now. Apologies seems so cliche, does it still mean what it meant? Thats why sometimes I'm so reluctant to apologise, because it never seems enough to redeem myself. I'm sick of it.
Why is it so tiring?
Will all these ever be resolved?
Jean