Suppressing my emotions has become my forte. A skill that I've honed over the past 19 years.
From a temperamental kid who explodes whenever I like, to someone who would rather bottle up all the emotions and not hurt anyone - anymore - with my flaring-ups... I guess age and experiences have mellowed me over the years.
If you think that my flare-ups now are intolerable, then please imagine... my flare-ups a few years back were ten times, no.. a hundred times worst.
But seriously... suppression? me? No one would ever believe that I'm always controling myself. Always reminding myself that I shan't make a scene; a fool out of myself in the public. Yes, I'm always controling, trying to manage my anger. Yes, I failed sometimes, but you see... I'm human, I'm flawed.
It has been a rather tormenting week I must say. Bugged my immature worries - yes, I'm struggling to grow up, but I can't.
I'm aware of a lot of things, but half of me always tries to go against the truth. I already know what I want and what the answers were, but I always have to convince myself that it isn't so. I am so afraid to make another wrong decision. I am so afraid I might lose something again.
Reconciling my thoughts with the truth... Why is it so hard to accept the truth?
What I have now seems so intangible... why am I always worrying that I might lose them anytime?
Don't I deserve them? To be loved?
What have I done wrong, so much so that I always have to worry that you might take them away from me?!
I can't feel anything except fear. Its eating me. Yes. Its fear.
I'm so tired... I really am...
Jean