400

Nice :)
My 400th post to end 2010's October.
Happy Halloween!!!

When I have nothing to do, I tend to browse through my old post.
A few were really interesting.
ie: How I've broken all the glass cups in my house; How I locked myself outside the house; How I'm stuck with a challenge in a game and couldn't proceed on; A few posts about my marine tank; my ups and my downs; some random and some serious posts... etc.

Those were good times.
There were regrets and happiness.
Nevertheless, if given a chance to turn back the clock, I would still do the same things.
Because who am I today, are the result of the choices I made then.
And now, I'm quite happy with myself.
So I guess no amendments needed.
^^

Til then
Jean

399

OK, if you noticed, I'm trying to reach my 400th post.
So just let me do what I deemed fit. ^^

Anyway, made some changes to the blog.
Look harder and you will see the difference. ^^
Happy searching. ^^

Brain fried. Need to rest. T_T

Jean

398

My gastric is giving problems again.
Oh no... I don't wanna go through another gastroscopy session!!!

OK, anyway, woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
I was extremely grumpy because I was coerced to wake up at 0830am!!!
Things didn't really get better because after breakfast I have to study!!!
BOO!!!

Annoyed.

On a lighter note, ^^
Can't wait to pack my december with exciting outings and gatherings.
I've already dedicated 7 days out of the 31 days to my family. ^^
Now all I need to plan now is how to spend the rest of my 24 days. ^^

Lets see....

Outings;
Gatherings;
Go out with dear;
Buy my electric guitar;
Play my electric guitar;
Concentrate on Piano and Music theory exam;
Jam with Six Harmonix;
Find Gigs for Six Harmonix;
Get Driver's licence;
Lazing at home;
Watch movies;
Watch dramas;
Watch animes;
Complete my games;
To remind myself my birthday;
Xmas!!!;
Need to find myself a job or something to do before January...
ETC!!!!

OK. EXCITED ^^
Jean

397

I'm trying hard to reach my 400th post.
But lately, my days are "routine-ized" hence usually uneventful.
So theres really nothing to blog about. T_T
Except, of course, the times when I went out with dear for lunch and/or dinner, I'm finally able to couple my plain rice with some nice dishes. :)

I'm not as worried for my A levels as before.
I don't think its a sign of resignation.

Since I already have a clearer picture of what I can and probably want to do.
I'm no longer stressing over the number of "A"s I need to achieve, in order to get in to a local U.

Instead, I'm competing with myself.
I'm trying to find out what I'm capable of.
I'm trying to do myself justice;
trying to do my 2 years spent on JC education justice;
trying to do my-choice-to-go-to-a-JC justice; by giving my fullest effort for A levels.

No longer an aimless aim. Its a self test. I want to test my limits.

Regardless the results, whats more important is that stamina to finish the race.
Well, hang in there girl, its gonna end very soon.

Jean

Predict

I was browsing through my old post and was amazed at how I've mature over the years.

I said I hate changes, but little did I realise that I'm changing myself.

Changes aren't always that bad I suppose.
But sometimes they just happen too fast, and caught me off guard.
Without much preparation, I had to reconcile my expectations and things that have changed. I had to deal with them, and eventually accept them.
When I've finally accepted them, things change again.

The cycle just go on and on....

Accepting changes, is just one subject that I fail to master.

Things are gonna change soon.
I'm expecting it, hence I'm not afraid.
But even if things happen within my expectations, I know there will still be uncertainties.
For I'm no fortune teller who predicts the future.

Jean

First Month

Time flies right?

Before we knew it, we have been together for a month. :)

HAHA!
Happy First Month Dear!!!

Love
Jean

Weather

The state of the weather these days seem to reflect my mood.
Cold, gloomy, hazy, but if you look a bit harder, you may find a little bit of sunshine.

Perhaps, my impatience is acting up again.
With so many things planned out after 26 November, I just can't wait for that day to come.
However, the reminder of reality: that I'm still stuck in my current situation, when time is neither going faster nor slower, the stark contrast between the excitement and the boredom/restrictions, frustrates me.

Anyway, another song that I'm able to relate to. :P Enjoy.



Toodles
Jean

22 OCT 2010

Went movie with dear yesterday. ^^
We watched Bestseller.
It wasn't a bad show, but the dragging and the suspense was driving me crazy. :)
For horror movie, Bestseller is the limit.
Anything more then that will freak me out. ^^

22 Oct 2010 was definitely a day to remember.
I won't elaborate on the details, because its for me to know and for you to find out. ^^

Yesterday was the last day of school. Officially marked the end of my 13 years of education.

Graduation, a form of goodbye.
Like I said, sense of attachement or not, I can't get used to saying goodbyes.
I wasn't as affected, but to a small degree, I can't help but to feel sentimental and emotional.
Touching speeches, notes of encouragements, songs to bid farewell...

If you were to ask me to name a place which I'll missed the most in this school, besides the guitar room, its the Auditorium. Its a place where I received my first and subsequent puzzling lectures, a place where I first performed with Six Harmonix, a place where I first conduct the whole ensemble.

Thanks Mr Emen Low for his 3 life lessons. They are so true and meaningful.
Just when I'm struggling between ideals and reality and to make choices, it seems that the speech that he delivered was there to provide me with the answers I need.

I'm still young, I can still dream big and achieve them, leave the reality for later.
Just love what I do.

Jean

Tenshi Ni Fureta yo!

New addition to my playlist...
K-ON's TENSHI NI FURETA YO!!!! :):):)

Thanks Dear!!! LOVE IT!!! :):):)

Tomorrow is the last day of school, and that marks the end of my 2 years JC life.

I've gained and I've lost.
But I dare say, I've gained more than I've lost. So, no fret. :)

Tenshi Ni Fureta Yo!!!
I not only want to dedicate this song back to my dear, I also wanna dedicate this to all my friends!!!
HEY!!!
GRADUATION ISN'T THE END!!!!
WE'LL BE FRIENDS FOREVER!!!!



STAY STRONG AND I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!!
JEAN

Strong

Maybe I should stay strong...
Even if I fall, I should stand up, smile, brush of the dirt and continue from there. Work and walk towards that peak again.
Its really not as if I haven't fall before.

Every route is worth venturing.
Even if it happens to be rocky, and tedious, at least, I've tried.

Maybe I've soared a little too high.
Maybe the fear of falling has clouded my vision.
Maybe the sense of lost is temporary.
Maybe tomorrow I'll find my way.

So what if following my plan is something that deviates from the norm?
So what if people will look down and disagree?
So what if I may regret doing so?

I know my parents meant well, but I guess its really time to decide for myself.
I still don't have the confidence that I can stay with accounts for all my life.
I may not be able to be a teacher/ a movie director/ a script writer/ a musician/ an comic artist/ an animator (simply speaking, unable to fufil my dreams and passion) if I follow my plan.

But what I can be assured of is that, it will be stable, I'll probably be happy, I'll learn to be contented.

Thought it through.
Hope I'll stay strong.

Jean

Mess it all up

You know, the leap of faith thing, just doesn't work for me.
If I say it does, its deception, its a lie.
Merely self delusion.
I need answers... absolute answers.

I'm in a complete mess right now.
There are important decisions to make, but I really can't choose.
I don't have confidence that my plan would work. I really don't.
Why can't I know myself better and know what I want?

Its just me.
I don't know what to do now. :(

ARGH!
Jean

Today

Knocked my head against the table when I bend over to pick up my highlighter from the floor.
Wounded my finger by accident.
T_T.
Owwww...

Quite an uneventful day.
Except, I've finally finished my version of "Part of your world" on the piano, and finally finished "Forbidden Love". ^_^ Now, I just have to master them. :)

:) 3 more days to friday.

Surprise Surprise Surprise... should I or should I not?

Someone please enlighten me.... T_T

Jean

Patience

Intended to update my music list.

Wanted to add:
Mai Hosimura's Regret;
Sowelu's Wish;
Yui Makino's Fuwa Fuwa;
and
Kagamine Rin's I like you I love you.

But, I lost my patience.
The web was loading at snail rate.
Out of frustration, I cross the window. :P

I ought to have a little bit of patience.
But too bad, I just can't wait. :P

4 more days to Friday!!! End of school and Date with Dear. :)

Ps: Sometimes when you can't find the answers, just take a leap of faith.
I've decided to take this leap now.
How far will it bring me?
How hard will I fall?
Don't know. I don't have the answers, but like Addie said, "its always a gamble."
I guess... its worth a try.

Jean

5

5 more days to the end of my JC life.

I think I'm suppose to feel emotional, but nope.
Probably the feelings haven't sink in yet, or maybe, I just don't feel for the school (not as much as I've felt for Temasek.)

I've decided to follow my plan.
I reckon, my happiness is more important than anything else.
For once, I want to be selfish.
Even if this means, I'll have to risk sacrificing my dreams, people not understanding, and probably people leaving me.

But of course, that doesn't mean I've given up. I'm just going back to where I've started. I'm just going back to the route, which I've deviated from it, a few months ago.

I'm uncertain.
But sometimes, when you are unable to find the answers, you really just need to take a leap of faith.

God, please give me strength to stay strong, and the courage to believe.
Jean

Music

Favourites.

When I was in band, I've always loved it when my seniors play these two songs:
1) Selections from The Merry Widow
2) Ross Roy by Jacob De Hann

Then when I joined TPGE, the songs that I'm exposed to and eventually loved are:
1) Sleepers awake by JS Bach
2) Lotus Eaters by Andrew York
3) Tango Potpourri
4) Tea for Two

As for piano, the loves of my life would be:
1) Forbidden Love by SENS
2) Canon in D by Johann Pachelbel

Highly Recommended :)

Jean

Plan

I'm a "Planning" person.
I like to plan.
Even if my plans change due to unforeseen circumstances, planning eases my anxiety, because at the very least, I have an end in mind to everything I do.
However my parents beg to differ. Which is why, I have difficulties comprehending their mindset.

I'm not a "Crying" person.
Even if I'm crestfallen or disconsolate, I try not to shed a tear.
Because if I broke down crying, those who are reliant and dependent on me, will fall with me.
Unless I really have to,
I won't cry.

I have been trying to reconcile external expectations with mine.

Failed terribly.

Can I follow my plan?
I wanna be happy.

Jean

Life is as such

I can never get used to saying goodbye.
Well, its just not my forte.

We say goodbye, thinking that we'll meet again.
We say goodbye, even if we know that we will never meet again.

Life is as such,
filled with Hellos and Goodbyes.
Despite, ample practices,
I can never get used to saying goodbye.

The emptiness that follows the departure.
Its enough to eat you alive.

I blame fate.
Bringing them to me, and taking them away.

The fear of letting go.
The fear of abandonment.

Life is as such.
Helplessly, I embrace it.

Jean

Movie

Feel like watching "Bestseller".

Like just a movie before A levels.
But pals will all be busy studying, so if wanna watch, I'll have to watch alone.
But its a horror movie leh!
Watch alone will freak me out one.

!!!!

Haha!
Sounds crazy right. I know.

AWWW... Really wanna watch!!!!

Jean

Overly Anxious

I couldn't agree more.
Yes, I'm a 'Goat'. Yes, I'm "insecure" and yes, I'm an "over-anxious worrier".

I need the courage to trust, to believe.
Prove and Affirmation are good enough for me.

But then again, somethings can't be proven and there are things which are too early to make affirmations.

Blame myself.
Blame my fear of being hurt.
Blame my lack of courage.

Jean

Goat

I was just browsing the net, and out of curiosity, I've decided to google my zodiac.
I found the summary on "Goat's" characteristic.

Haha to my surprise, it is actually quite true for me. :) :)
Haha!
I've selected those I think its relevant to me...
All shall be for reference sake. :)

"Goat people are sensitive, anxious; the goat is another sign that does not know the meaning of quitting, despite the fact, they often feel like giving up when the going gets tough. Goats are enduring creatures, determined and fastidious. Goat people are likely to be well mannered and exude good taste. Respectful towards elders and those in authority, the goat person is unlikely to rock the boat.

Goats are insecure. They need to feel loved and protected. They are easily drawn into complex predicaments. This being, so, they usually shy from confrontation, pull back when faced with heavy decision-making and blatantly refuse to take an unpopular stand in a conflict.

For goat people family relations matter and they will do all within their power to keep these alive. Even when they leave home, they will maintain strong links with the family. They can be quite nostalgic and will keep things emotional memories.

Goat people are dreamers, sometimes; they are pessimistic, hesitant and over-anxious worriers! They can be lazy sometimes.

They like to please, and sometimes cook several meals at once in an attempt to make sure that everybody gets what they want to eat. However, do not criticize the result, because goats cannot stand criticism, and you will be never invited again.

To some people the goat may appear shy, but this is because they live in fear of upsetting others. They cannot stand the thought of being an embarrassment to himself or herself or anybody else. They have a brilliant sense of humor but often keep it hidden. In an argument, the goat person will say nothing at all. In a crisis, the goat will be practical person who will fetch help rather than provide it.

Goat people are very romantic sensitive, sweet and darling. In relationship, they could be sometimes a little bit bossy and lazy, but with their gentle and caring nature, it will be hard to resist Goat people. "

Can't believe it! The bolded ones are so true. Haha!!!

So I guess, this is Jean.

Ps: All information retrieved from: http://www.kamalkapoor.com/chinese/chinese-astrology-goat.asp

Jean

Rush it

OK, today was a very busy day.
Normal lessons packed my entire morning, and by mid-afternoon, I was rushing from one consultation to another until Economics Intensive Revision session starts later in the day.

How wonderful, its a good sign that I'm working hard, but, this is totally insane.
I hardly have the time to finish my only meal of the day - a piece of pathetic sandwich. (Which I really didn't manage to finish it all. T_T)

OK, Jean, time to re-plan your consults schedule.

Ps: AWWWW... I miss dear...T_T

OK, time to turn in soon... :)
Jean

Right here, Right now.

I thank god, for giving me the chance to meet dear.
Now, I think I've found myself a realistic motivation to do well for A levels. :P
(Of course, it would have been better to meet him earlier luh, so I won't do so badly for my previous exams.)

In fact, to a certain extent, I'm willing to forgo my somewhat-seemingly-unrealistic aspiration and settle for a humble one.
For him.
Seems silly? I used to think so.
But now? I don't see why it is not a perfect option.
(Either way, it still benefits me. :P LOL!)

It has dawned on me that, as long as I have him around, I need not be different to be happy. Because I can be myself. :)

Of course it will be great to have the best of both worlds, but, if I can't, I'm contented to have the best of just one world.
Lol!

I can't say for the future, but I know and I'm sure that this is how I feel, right here right now.

Jean

Weighing Down

Sigh... people, please, eat regularly.

Mummy is giving Mr G.E.R.D til sunday to leave, before she makes daddy arrange another gastroscopy session for me.

Well she has every reason to worry.
I mean, I worry for myself too, because the symptoms are really getting out of hand. :(

Extremely moodless today. (Sorry dear..)
My gastric problem is really weighing down my mood.
ARGH!

Hope I can resume my normal appetite soon. T_T

Jean

Stop thinking so much

Yay!!!
Did chemistry today.
Finally made some sense out of this subject.
Its definitely a dose of confidence boost.
Now I'm very hopeful. :)

OK, last reminder.
Please Jean, stop thinking so much.
I know you are excited, but please, calm down.
Happy things are definitely coming your way!!!
Don't worry!!!

:):):)
Jean

Old Pals

After 5 months, my old friend I.B.S came back again.
What made it worse was, it came back along with my the other old pal, Mr G.E.R.D.
Double blow again. T_T

Can't do much revision today because practically, there was an internal war going on inside me.
Saddened.

Hopefully the pain will subside by tomorrow, so I can make it to school. T_T

Owwww

Jean

Trying

I really don't like those cursed chain messages.

Say that I'm superstitious, I don't care.
I just don't like them.

When I received them, I'll be in this dilemma between forwarding it or not.
Because I really don't want to forward my friends the so called "Bad-luck", but I don't want myself to be entangled with the misfortunes as well.
So usually, I just leave them unread, or delete them.

Yes I'm superstitious. :P

Anyway, I'm thinking, maybe because I'm approaching the finishing line of this marathon, I'm showing signs of resignation.
I'm getting all lethargic and dreaded.

I have half a mind to just go according to my original plan: going for that private accounting degree instead of local U.

Yes, it may seems that following my plan is deviating away from my interests and aspirations, nontheless, I can still pursue music and do accounts at the same time, no worries. :)
Besides, sometimes, its always a give and take situation.
Be realistic, I can't always have the best of both worlds.

I'm happy just the way I am now.

I'm fully aware that following my plan will definitely set tongues wagging, but seriously?

Its my life.

Well, even so, I will not stop trying.
Because, I'm not that sort who will give up without trying.

Jean, if you wanna do something, you better throw in all your heart and effort, and make sure you get the best out of it!

Jean

Table

Never sleep on your table.
Even if you are extremely exhausted, please don't fall asleep on your table.
Because I sprained my neck for doing so, if not, at the very least, I think I've twisted it.
owww...

Jean

Children's Day

Happy Children's Day!!!

Yeah, though I've outgrown that age, I can't help but to feel excited about it.
Remember the candies and chocolates received on children's day.
Hmmm Yummy.

I don't know why, I'm so sleepy today.
I knew it was a bad idea to turn in early yesterday, make me more sleepy only. T_T
I'm very motivated to do econs now. Thats a very good sign :)

Anyway, had dinner with dear today after intensive revision session for econs. :):):)
OMG, the portion of food provided was meant for giant, I can't finish it.
But usually I can finish one. Haiz.

Okok, need to turn in soon alrd :)

Love
Jean