(Post no. 228) 28 Feb 2010 Coincidence!

Feeling quite frustrated.
Since its the last day of February, I hope for a good and happy closure. Hence, I shall not rant now, I'll save it for later.

I just started on Sleepers Awake this evening, and guess what? I still have 21 more bars to go!!! In addition to that, I've also memorized the all parts that I've covered!!! Which means that 3/4 of Sleepers Awake, 4/4 of Summer Breeze and 4/4 of Gavotte have been stored in my head!!! Kudos to me!!!
Memorizing pieces? HAH!!! That's my forte. :D

My chemistry tutor went through Alkyl-halides, SN1 and SN2 mechanisms. I don't get them. It's super saddening.

I had my reservations about the prescribed cream to relief the itchy sensation caused by my Eczema condition. It's not working, and the word: "POISON" printed on the cream tube label just scares me to no end.

Anyway, Last day of February, also the last day of Lunar New Year.
Heres one last wish from me to you (Whoever is reading this post.)
HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!!!
Jean

Sleepers Awake

Still listening to Sleepers Awake... Its my fiftieth time (approximately) listening to it today. (Imagine the continuous repetition of the song.)
Because, the repeats were done manually, I ended up pressing the 'play' button (approximately) fifty times today.
(Imagine the song being played over and over and over and over and over and... over again...)

I really need to plan the hours of sleep I need. Its always either too long or too short. Whichever the case is, the following day, I'll end up unable to open my eyes.

I'm ashamed to admit that I'm guilty of dozing all my days away. But I can't help it! The sleepiness is intrusive! My eyes and mind had no choice but to surrender. :(

Coffee? Tea? Chocolate perhaps? Oh, useless, believe me. Caffeine has no effect on me. I'm weird remember?

Well, at least, fidgeting does helps... But, its irritating for the others.

Sad ehz?

Ya I thought so too.

I try to be positive.

So, look on the bright side! I never had difficulties falling asleep! The moment I hit the pillow its "zzzzz" for me. It could be the pills to stop the itch of Eczema, or I'm really that tired. Whichever it is, I'm glad I could sleep soundly despite the disturbing worries of reality.

OK, Music.
My piano teacher said I'm a fast learner. I'm able to correct my mistakes in two tries. But, I'll need better control of my strength used in order to present the dynamics well.
(*pout) Well, thats very irritating.
Nevertheless, I can only practice more to improve on that, no point whining.

Ps: Yes, of course I know mezzo-piano is louder then piano, what else do you know besides that?

Jean

Interpret

I always question myself: "How much do I know myself?"

I always said that I don't know what exactly my personalities are.

Sometimes I can be:

• Crazy, always cheerful, loves joking around and appears to be jolly. (Is this me?)
• Chatty, talkative. (Is this me?)
• Quiet, solemn, think alot, alone and emotional. (Is this me?)
• Cranky, aggressive, temperamental, filled with angst, judgemental, sarcastic, cynical and grumpy. (Is this me?)
• Love procrastinating, just lazy, nonchalant and indifferent to/about anything and everything. (Is this me?)
  

SO WHICH IS THE REAL ME???

I can't say that non of them are me, or all resembles me.
So practically theres no answer or rather no definite answer to "What are the personality traits of Jean?"

Since I don't even understand myself, I don't expect other people to understand me.
So if anyone of you happened to be those that couldn't understand my actions and thoughts, then PLEASE, DON'T TRY TO INTERPRET ME.
(It may not even be accurate since my personality traits are always and ever changing.)

Whatever and Whichever the cases are, I have my reasons to my own thoughts, actions and behaviors.

Jean

Saying it

Saying it needs courage.

Saying it needs responsibilities.

I had a possible reply in mind, but still I thought saying it can ease my mind so I could concentrate better. (Apparently it's not working out LOL)

Said it and was rejected.

Its a funny kind of feeling because you don't really felt that it's saddening. In fact I felt neutral,expected, and now perhaps a little relieved.

Nevertheless, I'm a human. Feelings of humans doesn't just come and go.
the feeling was tingling there for awhile.
Now,I'm happy to say that I've finally got it out of my system.

Well, at least I've learnt a good way of rejecting people. Hehe :D
I definitely deserves better. :D
Jean

I survived a LOOOONNNGGG Day :D

Well, I'm still here, alive and kicking.

I can't be more proud to say that I managed to survive a Long Day today.

Kudos to myself. :D

Just to echo my rants previously on how disgusting my time table is.

ITS REALLY BAD.

They said they are going to make some slight/minor changes to our time table.
It better be good I tell you.

Jean

Eczema

Its official.

Nothing is more irritating then having Eczema.

Because my skin condition had worsened and became unbearable, my daddy took me to the skin centre today. The doctor said it was a kind of hereditary Eczema.

He prescribed me 4 boxes of steriod-contained cream.

Hope it helps.

Itchy!!!
Jean

The 3 Questions

AH... JC life...

Are you tired?

Do you feel like giving up?

Ever wonder whats the point of all these?

To the questions above, I would answer YES.
As a matter of fact, I kept asking myself these 3 questions almost everyday.

Well, my dear friend, Atikah recently came up with a real 'good' solution to all these:
Marry off to a rich handsome man. :D
Then I get to enjoy the luxury of just sitting at home and be a rich "Tai-Tai". LOL
Of course, the premise is that I already have a rich hunk within my grip. MUAHAHAHA :P (OK~ it sounds wrong)

But most unfortunately, I don't have one. HAHA.

So~

Since I don't have a rich hunk to hold on to, no matter how tired I am; how strongly I feel like giving up or how continuously I question myself of the point and meaning of everything, all I could do is to hang in there till A Level is over.

I try to stay positive.

Nevertheless, along the way, if you ask me these 3 questions again, my answer would still be YES.

PS: My mum kept telling me that if I actually made it to university, it could be a good chance for me to widen my circle of friends (When she said that, she meant: to know more guys). :D

LOL
Jean

Thinking and Talking

I like to think. Even for the slightest things, I would think about it over and over again for days or maybe months.

(Well that explains my next habit...)

I like to talk... to myself. Some people said that those who talk to themselves are not crazy, but extremely clever and smart, because talking to themselves (in this case myself) stimulates thoughts. (Of course it depends on what do you actually talk to yourselves about.) Talking to oneself enables one to have many different perspectives to all things possible. :D Even though I never tried to deny that I'm crazy, in this case, I must say that when I talk to myself, it is not because I'm mentally unsound. Its because I undergoing some serious debate/argument/thinking within me.

Anyway, I'm in a pretty good mood this week. it could be because of Lunar New year, or could be because, I could foresee that somethings around me are going to change for the better (excluding my academic performance). LOL.

Next song to practice : Jonas Brother's Fly With Me. :D

I was writing song(s) last week during the 4 days break. I didn't manage to complete before school reopens. Now in attempting to continue, I found that I'm stuck. I try not to feel bad about it.

I trying to stay positive.
Here a joke to laugh about: What did the SUSHI said to the BEE?
- WASABI? (Whats-Up-Bee?)
LOL!!!
Jean

To Do List

I just bought a book: "The To-Do List" by Mike Gayle today.

What this book attracted me was this statement printed on the cover-page: "For anyone who has ever written a To-Do List... and left it undone!".
I could especially relate to this statement because, I'm one of those people. :P

My previous school made it compulsory for sec 4 english students to read "My Sister's Keeper". So Net being one of the sec 4 english students has to read it. So eventually, I flipped open the book and started reading as well.

Never to late to keep up with reading habit. :D

This is my 220 post. I never thought I could maintain this blog for two and half years!!! Kudos to myself. :D

HEHE
Jean

21 Guns "blasted" me ears!!!

LOL.

I was practicing for Six Harmonix's upcoming audition.

So I blasted and repeated 21 Guns by Green Day numerously. And now Net became super irritated with the song. OOPS! :P

Besides that, I've been trying out potential songs for the band. So eventually, I sort of strained my vocal cord too much, and now I can't talk properly. It could be the wrong usage of singing technique. But not to worry, I'll see to this problem ASAP.

So the college fine-tuned our time table. :D
Before the fine-tuning I still get to go home at 5pm.
NOW I PRACTICALLY END AT 6pm EVERYDAY!!!
Doesn't it ever occur to them that some of us have external commitments to see to?
A LEVELS ISN'T EVERYTHING PEOPLE!!!
They claimed that the time table was scheduled in such a way that it will seek for the better.
How come I don't see that?

EXTREMELY IRRITATED
Jean

Visiting =D

OK. Remind me again why I had agreed to go visit my daddy's aunt.

The folks over there likes to pull me into their conversations. Since they conversed in dialect, I could only understand them (by nodding my head ferociously in agreement) but unable to join them.

Despite several POLITE refusal, a lady (whom is known to be a relative of mine, but I have no idea who she is), kept offering pineapple tarts to me. The sight of the "yellowish-hardened-sunny-side-up-look-alike" provoked my nausea sensation. I don't blame her. Because she doesn't know whats the history behind me and the pineapple tarts. (Believe me I don't wanna talk about it.)

But the good side is... (Yes I'm money minded). LOTS OF RED PACKETS!!! HAHA!!! =)

Happy New Year PEOPLE!
Love
Jean

Family

Family triumph over anything.

When you are lost and theres no place to go,
turn to your family, only they will never reject you.

Well, not because they are "biologically programmed to love you" (A quote from 'What Happens In Vegas'). I believe they truly do.

Through different methods and ways to show their love. Sometimes their actions might just backfire, but its a sign of love. Isn't it?

"Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten." (A Quote from 'Lilo and Stitch'). This summarizes whatever I wanted to say in this post.

I pretty glad that Mum and Dad finally share the same view as me, and for the first time agreed with me.

We will work hard to pull this family back together.
No guarantee.
But we'll definitely do our best.

On the side note: HEADACHE!!! OMG!!!

Love
Jean

(Singing) On the 3rd day of new year...~

My 4 days break ended on a high-note. :D
(OK~ not exactly that high but not that low either LOL.)

Though the tiring and bugging family problem has yet to be resolved, but I'm pretty confident that someday it will and I'll try to think positive.
(Sheesh!~ All the alcohol for nothing! I vow to myself that I shalt never drown me troubles with ALCOHOL AGAIN!)

I thank god for these 4 days of break.
I manage to do some catching up, not only on my academics but also on my music. :D

Mastering D-Grayman's 'The White Ark Returns' aka Tsunaida Te Ni Kiss Wo on the piano; Practicing Summer Breeze, Gavotte and Blue Moon on the guitar; Trying out new chords and songs on the guitar too; Writing new songs; Trying/Singing high pitch and songs.

Yes that mainly what I've been doing. :D

Yes spent my last day of break with the love of my life again. Guess who? Yes! Those 3 little adorable kids. They are simply adorable beyond words! LOVE THEM!

OK the end of holiday equates to the start of work. Switching back to the studying mode.

Since Lunar New Year last for 15 days, well, no harm saying it again. :D
HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!!!
Love
Jean

Festive Period

Last Friday I got drunk during the reunion dinner.
Two and a half cups of diluted alcohol down, my face started turning red and I'm already blabbering nonsensical remarks (Nothing offensive I hope).
The next day I've got a slight hangover. I was feeling fatigue and my head was pounding in pain. Bad choice in attempting to drown my troubles.

Spent my first day of Lunar New Year and Valentines' day with the love of my life yesterday. :D The family did some visitings and eventually, we settled at my uncle's house in the evening. We played Black Jack (Yes, its a annual Lunar New Year game) right after dinner. I can't say I was down on my luck, because I won back my capital. I can't say I was super lucky because I only won back my capital. :P

Before Black Jack, I was with my 5 year old cousin - Xave, playing his version of 'Pictionary'. He immersed himself in the world of his own, acting like a small professor, explaining to me the rules of his game. That was an uber cute sight!!:D
There was one instance, during the game, when I suddenly lost all interest to play with him. I replied half heartedly to Xave's questions for clues to what I'm drawing.
Somehow this 5 year old little boy could sense that something was wrong with me, hence he asked: "Why do you sound so tired?"
He woke me with his question. But I can't even explain the reason why? to myself, let alone explaining it to him. Hence I just told him that I'm really tired because I didn't get enough sleep, and started telling him that he should sleep early or else he won't have enough energy to play.
...
To me, the loneliest moment isn't when you are alone. Its when in fact, you are around with a huge group of people, and you felt... alone.
There are a few instances (besides the one mentioned above) while in the mist of an intriguing conversation/game, my soul would wonder off to somewhere and then lost it's way back. It feels like, something suddenly reminds me of the reality that I'll have to face after all the fun, after all the laughter, after that moment.
Yes, Reality Check.

Staying at home today to finish up all my homework. Visiting my aunt tomorrow.
HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!
Love
Jean

Eve of CNY Eve

2 More days to CNY.

My friend, gastric, has been a really nice pal. It has decided to pay me a long visit. :D
It just can't stop bugging me.
I really should start eating regularly.
Felt nauseous, I think I'll soon become a victim of Gastric Reflux.

I almost forgot that the first day of CNY is Valentines day too. (Haha, I'm flooded with sweets and chocolates!!! ... I really shouldn't eat too much of them).

Going off for my first reunion dinner later. Can't wait to know what is the next thing about me that, that imbercile is going to scoff at. :D (Sacarsm much?)

Spring cleaning stretched over these two days, can't believe that I'm that deligent to be so preoccupied with the cleaning.

Well, going to catch up on my sleep now.
Love
Jean

Put Up A Strong Front

I accidentally cut myself with a piece of paper. It was quite a deep one for a paper cut. Well it hurts, but I didn't sit on the floor and wail like a child. Instead, I stared at the wound and laugh at my own clumsiness.

Then it set me thinking. Just like Tuesday, when I had my medical leave because of gastric, I arranged to attend piano lesson that day, because I knew I would have CNY plannings this evening. My teacher was astounded by how I could drag myself to lesson and could still joke with her despite the churning pain I was going through inside me.
'You do put up a very strong front, eh Jean?' she asked. I agreed.

Today, my friend commented that she didn't know that I actually like to talk so much. I was stunned. I was so busy hiding my wound, that I didn't realised that I was already over-doing it. So, when I appear to be that OK, I guess I'm not really that OK.

I seldom cry. The more I'm in pain, the more hurt I am, the stronger 'the front' that I put up would be. I never cry. So when I actually cry for something, its (really) a great deal.

...

Oh, on a side note, 3 more days to CNY. (Yes I'm STILL counting down. I can't believe we don't have any CNY celebration. and I have test tomorrow! OMG!)
Jean

4 More Days

Yes I'm counting down to CNY... because I really have nothing better to do.

Returned to college today. The gastric and vomitting sensation still persist. (Every moment, I practically felt like throwing up.) But this is an old friend of mine, they will be gone soon. :)

OK~ I'm gibberish-ing nonsense.
4 More Days to CNY
Yes I've nothing better to do other than counting down to CNY. I know. You don'thave to remind me.
Jean

MC

On medical leave today.

Gastric and Vomitting ain't the best combo to have. :(

Urgh.

I drew around 35 tigers today.
Threw at least 20 unsuccessful tigers to the bin and the other 15 successful tigers will be my New Year Gifts to all my relatives.

:D
5 More Days to CNY
Jean

Mark it

Today is the first day of Friendship week.
My school made today as 'Mark Your Friends' Day (or was it something else? Well... who cares as long as the meaning is there.)

So practically, people draw on their friends with markers. (Of course, no offensive and disturbing statements/ remarks were allowed)

OK so I got marked. On both of my arms. :D

Mum fetched me home today. Upon seeing my arms being covered with red blue green and yellow, she exclaimed in utter disbelief that my arms were "vandalised".

Well, it was an expected reaction. So I'm not complaining. :P

I was extremely cranky today, probably because of the lack of sleep and in addition, my Literature tutor was getting on to my nerves this morning hence she just makes everything worse.

CNY is like this Sunday!!! Can't wait for all my red packets, and HEHE Ben 10 YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR ME OK ??!!

Oh I'm still cutting down on junk food LOL
Jean

Random...

The J1s came for guitar trial today, it went on smoothly. Some J1s looked really adorable. Haha :P

Prac-ing Summer Breeze, Gavotte and Sleepers Awake. I really need an adaptation period after switching from Guitar 2 to 3. But no worries, I'll catch up soon. :P

Chinese New Year is NEXT WEEK! I've gotta cut down on all the junk food before I actually outgrow the new clothes I just bought last Sunday. :P

Did Organic Chemistry on Wednesday. Well interesting, but I don't get the lecture.

I've got a million things to say, but I have no idea how to put them in words.

Let just put it this way...

Recently whenever I'm around him, I'll tend to feel overly high-strung; excited; happy and at the same time, melancholic as well as gloomy.
When he is not around me, most of the time, my mind will be preoccupied with every thoughts of him. (No worries, he is not affecting my concentration in class. :P)
Symptoms of Crush. Thats what my bestie said. Ok~ I'm still in the mist of figuring out what exactly these feelings are. But really, they are driving me crazy.

Ok, forget it, drop that aside.

Oh my gawd...
Jean

Love

Matt White - Love

And love, such a silly game we play..
Oh, like a summer's day in May.
What is love?What is love?
I just want it to be loved..

Ooh, And I..I..I..I..I..I can feel it in your kiss,
It just gives me tender bliss
What is love?What is love?
I just want it to be loved..

When I feel you around
I was mad as hell, when I hit the ground
When I see you laugh away,
It hurts but I just won't say.

And love, who can tell me I am wrong
I just know that i am strong
What is love?What is love?
I just want it to be loved...

When I feel you around.
We were so upset, we fell on the ground
When I see you mad at me
It was such a silly thing

OoOOh Love such a silly game we play
Like a summer's day in May
What is love?What is love?
I just want it to be loved...

Ooh, And I..I..I..I..I..I can feel it in your kiss,
It is something I will miss..
What is love?What is love?
I just want it to be loved.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omjjMhpFKJE

Well this song speaks on my behalf of what I'm feeling right now.

Jean

Update

I'm asked to update this stagnant swamp more frequently.

so...

heres the post for today.

POST

LOL
Jean

Changes

My fear for Changes is unavoidable.
Many things that can be changed, are practically changing by the second.
Resistence is of no use.

Sometimes when something has been around for a long time, you'll eventually get used to its presence.
Sometimes for some reason you'll loath the fact that it is there. But sometimes for another set of reasons, you'll appreciate its companionship, its existence.
Now when its gone, emptiness soon overwhelms the cold and hopeless heart.

Its not that I did not expect these changes to come. But even if I've anticipated it to happen, I still couldn't accept it or get over it.

Looking at the empty unit opposite mine, I can't help but to feel extremely melancholic, crestfallen, disconsolate, miserable, woebegone, wretched and whatnot.

I regretted everything that I've NOT done...

Goodbye...

JEAN