Random updates

Its a good thing that I hadn't been blogging lately.
Means, I'm feeling rather undisturbed. ^^
Well, Its a good sign to begin with.

Anyway, went for Angelyn's belated birthday party today. HAHA!
Had a great time. It was super fun, super happy but super tiring. T_T.
I was already half asleep before dinner. LOL!!!
Bowling was more sucessful than previous plays, glad I'm improving, and not the other way round. HAHA!!!
Still having troubles with my gastric, need to find a way to eliminate this problem. T_T

Leaving Singapore in 4 days time.
Well, I have half a mind not to go, and the other half a mind to just fly off now. Mixed feelings T_T. Gonna miss dear while I'm away; gonna miss out on all the fun with friends T_T; but I'm excited about the trip: shopping, teddy bear museum, the cold, the snow... Life is just full of ambivalence and dilemmas ain't it?

Applying for relief teaching, at least I would have something to do during the nine months break, and not idle around rotting like a couch potato.

Hmmm... probably getting my electric guitar on the 14 or 16 Dec, after I return from Korea.
JJ! Please inform me of the guitar sales, wait for me to go buy guitar stuff okay??? Thank you very much!!! ^^

Christmas is approaching and so does New Year.
I just have a simple wish, I hope year 2011 will be a better year than 2010.
2010 is ending soon, its time for my to leave the unhappiness behind and start afresh.

Jean

IT'S OVER!!!

THE NIGHTMARES ARE OVER!!!
Regardless the results, I knew I've won.
Because I've pressed on, and survived. (Not the physical pain but the emotional turmoil.)
Theres really nothing to be afraid of, because I have been through the bad, and the worse.
What awaits me ahead can only get better.

So... I'm free!!! ^^
...
...
...
So... Ya, I'm free!!! ^^
...
...
...
So... erm... so...what now?

Jean

Any more worse?

I just realised, I have a weak heart.
I'm still recovering from the shock caused by that sudden thunder.

Then my gastric problem acted up; My cable set-top went haywire and I had to call the operator for solution; In the end they didn't answer my callS; so I got really touchy; I still have to study for the paper tomorrow; I worry I couldn't answer my unseen tomorrow; Nothing is registering depite mugging whole day; I'm sleepy; I'm cranky... etc.. ARGH!!!!

Can today get any more worse?

Jean

Ever Ever After - Carrie Underwood

Nice song. ^^

Jean

Loosen the grip

I find it hard to forget.
If I have a life control keyboard, and if every events that had happened in my life were just some intangible system folders.
I would wish to delete those unhappy ones.
It would be so easy. Spare me the agony, just pressed that "Del" button and *POOF! I'm rid of unhappiness.

I really think going away for awhile would help. To sort out my thoughts, filter the depressing and frustrating stuffs away.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need a change, because I'm causing myself too much agony.

I need to start realising that I cannot always get what I want, or want everything to go my way and somethings just don't go according to plan.

For the last time, please, loosen that grip, or else you cannot break free.

Jean

Afraid

I just couldn't stop fighting with myself.
Why do I always have to allow this imaginary enemy torment me?
Please Jean, cut yourself some slack.

I'm not stable.
The funny thing is, even so, I can still rationalize my behaviour and warn other people that "I'm not stable therefore leave me alone and don't take my words seriously."
It feels like... I cannot recognise myself anymore...
I think... I'm afraid of myself...
I think... I'm afraid of losing...

You know, I've always thought that, If I hadn't answered that phone call and took that nap 9 years ago, maybe... I won't lose them.
It scares me... as the moment I hung up the phone, and when I opened my eyes... they had already left, already gone.
Then I realised the fact that it actually takes lesser than a mere second to lose somebody.
Perhaps, I'm just... afraid.

Who am I kidding when I say that I'm alright?
It has dawned on me that I'm just avoiding the issue everytime I'm confronted with it.
"Because I'm not facing it, so its not a problem... for now."
Escaping seems easy but its hard.
By the time, reality starts sinking in, you feel more pain than accepting it at the beginning.

I'm not entirely an optimistic person.
When it comes to something I care, I don't think I can handle the disappointment that follows the optimism.
I envy Net and daddy. To them, nothing is impossible. Even if they fell, they can still pick themselves up and say "Don't worry, its just a fall. I'll climb up that peak again."
But... why do I feel so restricted?

Will I be happier if I just don't care?

Jean

Plannings

8 down, 1 more to go. ^^

Well, my aunty was asking me what do I plan to do for the next 9 months, after 26 November.
I didn't answer her, because I couldn't.

Well, it was the kind of question that I ponder about the most, and yet fear the most.
Of course, I don't wanna idle my 9 months away, but at the same time, I couldn't think of anything to do.

Play my music?
A language course?
Drawing course?
Give tuition?
Work for my parents?
or... ?

I don't know, but I certainly need to do some serious planning.

The funny thing is, I have been planning for all of my life, and now, I'm quite loss, and don't know what to plan anymore.

26 November is just 3 days away, I need to start planning... like now?

Jean

Birthdays

Ahh birthdays. ^^
I love em. ^^
Its like you get to own a day out of these 365 days every year.
Isn't that great?! ^^

I don't know why but, second to Christmas, I love birthdays the most. ^^
Of all these years, so far, I only have 2 "The Most Memorable Birthdays".

One of which, was two years ago, when I was left home-alone to tidy up the house while the rest of the family went out shopping. (For once, I could feel myself in Cinderella's shoe).
That day was so ordinary, that I almost forgot that it was my birthday.
Of course, they bought home a small cake in the end... but there goes my birthday... cleaning the house. That birthday, topped my "The most uneventful birthdays I ever had" chart. T_T

The other one was last year, when I spent my 18th birthday in Hong Kong's Disneyland. ^^
To me, the amusing part was, I totally forgot that, that day was my birthday. (Partly because I wasn't feeling well. Yes, gastric.) Until my sis and my cousin pulled me to take birthday photos with... some random walking-Christmas-candy-sticks. LOL!!!
What was so memorable about it, was because I'm glad that I get to spent that day with Disney and of course, get to see my all times favourite - fireworks. ^^
To a certain extent, if you are watching it with the right person, it was quite romantic actually. HAHAHA!!!
Anyway, last year's birthday topped my "The Most Special Birthdays ever" chart. LOL!!!

* Of course, I wouldn't expect that all of my subsequent birthdays are as eventful as last year's. But I don't mind to have it again... erm this time, the Disneyland in US okay? HAHA!!! ^^

Well one more month to my birthday.
Start counting down!!!

Jean

Instruments

When I was playing Canon (in C major) just now, somehow it triggered a memory that I've forgotten a long time ago.

When I was younger, I used to tell myself and everyone that one day, I will learn and master the piano, the guitar, the trumpet, the saxophone, the violin and and the drums, so I can play Canon in D with these (my favourite) instruments.

Of course, up til this point in time, it never came true.
Nevertheless I'm pretty hopeful about it, though not all of the instruments stated above, I hope at least majority of them.
^^

Okay... that was random.

Jean

Answer

I've found the answer that I was looking for.
But the price to pay is unbearable.

But its ok, I know nothing in life is absolute, so I respect it and I totally understand.

I don't blame or resent anyone.
Really.
Words of honour.

Allow me some time to get used to it.
I'll be able to accept it.

Jean

Unknown

I've been studying for the whole of today, but what stays and what goes, is really not within my control.

I hope my gastric would be more cooperative tomorrow.
Its killing me today, so PLEASE DON'T ACT UP WHEN I'M HAVING MY PAPER TOMORROW!!!

Mummy was talking to daddy about giving me an admin job in Acme Focus next year.
Well, I'm not sure whether I should be happy or not.
It just sounds so... intimidating, and I'm not sure if I'm ready.
If I'm not ready, then what am I waiting for?
I don't know.

I'm not used to this.
I'm not used to saying "I don't know".
But suddenly everything just seems so uncertain.
I want to be certain.
I'm used to being certain.
Thats why I plan.
Thats why I've always prepared myself (usually for the worse).
But whatever thats gonna happen after A levels seem to be a complete blur.
I can't seem to plan anything.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for it.
I really don't know.

Can the earth stop moving?
Can this minute stay forever?
Can we not proceed on?

Jean

Updates

5 down, 4 more to go. ^^
Half step away from liberation. ^^
So far so good, seems to be a good sign. ^^

Anyway, went for a hair cut this afternoon.
As if I wasn't feeling bad enough, the pour just ruined everything. T_T
we were drenched, when we reached mummy's office. T_T

ARGH!!! Feeling feverish...
I hope I didn't catch a cold. T_T
Its the last thing that I want it to happen to me. T_T

Jean

Change

3 more subjects, 6 more papers to go, spreading over the next 2 weeks.
Still hanging on.

Anyway, to think a little further for the moment.
After the 2 weeks, I will be free.
December 2010, will be my last month of being a child, after which, I'm moving on to adulthood.

No doubt, again, by mid January 2011, I'll be here complaining about the mundane office life (most probably I'll be working for my parents), trying to contain my excitement about how I can't wait for weekends and CNY 2011 to come, pitying myself about the over-times blah and whatnot; Saying how I'm missing school life... et cetera.
Whatever happened 2 to 3 years ago, will happen again.

To fast forward a little, April 2011 arrives and I've gotten my results - lets do away with the dramas shall we? - I proceeded on with The Plan. The course starts in July 2011, hence, another 3 more months in Acme Focus.... and the life story goes on....

The path seems clearer now. Though I'm uncertain, I have the courage to follow it, and this time, I'm not going to let go.
I recognised that my big old dreams are quite impossible now, but that doesn't mean I'm giving them (my passion) up. I'll still be drawing, I'll still be playing my music, I'll still be writing my stories.
I'm not going to let them go like I did 2 years ago.
I'll hold on to them indefinitely, thats for sure.

As for my new found dream, I'm working hard to attain it.
I've never expected myself to steer towards this direction, but to my surprise, I'm actually comfortable with it.
I was opinionated and was as stubborn as a bull.
I've always thought that nothing could change me, because I am who I am, and I reject changes.
However, I must admit, love changed me.
Its a different degree of change.
Its more than just a change - enough to motivate me to work hard for A levels. - Nope, it has surppassed that.
Its a change that has convinced me that happiness can stem from simplicity.
Its a change that has convinced me to accept stability.
Its an abstract idea, to me, its not easy to phrase it in words; Probably due to my weak command of the lanuguage.

I've found my new goal in life and I'm not afraid to conclude that I'm all ready to embrace the old ones, as well as the new.

Ps:Pardon this abrupt ending, my mum is nagging already... T_T

Jean

The purpose to continue on

Before I start, heres a reality check: I'm bracing myself, as I know this coming April, is not going to be a good news for me... or rather for my loved ones.
So for those who are dear to me and are reading this, heres my apology in advance.
I have to make it clear to you that whatever happen later on is purely my fault, I'm just not cut out for this, so please blame no one else.

Ok, the main thing.

When I was younger, driven by my burning passion, I'm used to painting myself idealistic pictures of my dreams/future.
Unblemished by reality; Unrestricted by limitations of ability and of course the boundless scope of my imaginations, those were indeed, the most ideal future that I believed I would have.

But as I aged along with time, I'm coerced to recognise the presence of reality.
There are constant callings to remind you of your inabilities, telling you that "Unicorns do not exist, be realistic and get a life".

I have big dreams. Lots of them.
I want to create another one of Disney's classics.
I want to create an anime.
I want to write and then direct my own, be it a drama or a movie.
I want to draw my own comic.
I want to sing my own songs and release my own album.
I want Six Harmonix to play and sing our own songs and release our own album.
I want...

However I realised that each of my dreams are dashed upon the shore of reality, as I moved on with life.
Because I'm living in this real world, and I'm not.. or rather, never academically inclined, I have no choice but to succumb to reality.

The Plan.
It was perfect.
If my happiness was measured in monetary terms, I guess I'm not going to lose out if I follow The Plan.
But mine suggests otherwise.

Ergo, unable to fufill my dreams is definitely a regret, but at the same time, I've found myself another dream - leading a stable and simple life, together with my loved ones - which I find, to a certain extent, is more meaningful and purposeful for me to continue on through this journey of life.

Jean

Seeing the light

3rd post of the day.

Its really not the case that I have all the time in the world to blog, but, sometimes there are just too many things going on in my mind, and I really need to trash some of it out of my system.

Personal crisis totally caught me off guard.
Really a bad time I must say, but I believe, it will leave me soon.
To think that of all these time, I'm fighting with myself, thinking that I'm evil and whatnot. I ought to cut myself some slack.

2 weeks more to the end of the battle.
Its too early to say that I'm tired, but I've gotta admit, at some point in time, I lack the stamina to go on. Nevertheless, I completed what I have to do. So I'm proud of myself.

After all these while, I've reached to a conclusion that when things are not going your way, try to look for another path.
Nope I don't think its a sign of resignation or escapmism, to me its to encourage myself to look things at another perspective, and I'll eventually see the light.
Its hard I know, but I'm learning. Sometimes I just need to take that first step in order to make things easy.
Besides, life is all about learning isn't it?

Jean

True Love

True Love - Tanya Chua



Love it! ^^

Jean

感情线

感情线 By Tension

手心
那条感情线和世界上什么人相连
虽然谈着恋爱
虽然也会失恋
怎么花了时间没一个有缘

走在混乱的街头
找不到爱情真正入口
有时下错了车
有时上错了楼
直到那一刻直到她出现

She's the one 那是种神秘直觉
She's the one 她是我的等待
那一天
擦肩而过当眼神交会
再也舍不得离开
She's the one 有一种触电感觉
She's the one 她就是今生的爱
感情线
两手相连连成一线
微笑的弧线

手心
那条感情线和世界上什么人相连
虽然谈着恋爱
虽然也会失恋
怎么花了时间没一个有缘

走在混乱的街头
找不到爱情真正入口
有时下错了车
有时上错了楼
直到那一刻直到她出现

She's the one 那是种神秘直觉
She's the one 她是我的等待
那一天
擦肩而过当眼神交会
再也舍不得离开
She's the one 有一种触电感觉
She's the one 她就是今生的爱
感情线
两手相连连成一线
幸福的笑脸

Oh, 我在心里放着烟火
不必再唱寂寞的歌
She's the one 我终于找到了
有真爱属于我 就是她

She's the one 那是种神秘直觉
She's the one 她是我的等待
那一天
擦肩而过当眼神交会
再也舍不得离开
She's the one 有一种触电感觉
She's the one 她就是今生的爱
感情线
两手相连连成一线
I know she's the one



Love the song ^^ HAHAHA!!!

Jean

The Moon and Stars

I'm glad that my bed is just by the window.
So everynight I'm given the privilege to enjoy the moonlight and the stars (if theres any) to my heart's content.

I guess I'm lucky tonight.
I spotted a few more sparkling dots in the dark sky. :)
Staring at those shiny little things makes me very happy. (Well judging by how I'm feeling down and moody lately, even if the happiness only lasted for a mere second, its good enough.)

Theres a reason why I love the moon and the stars.
When night falls and its pitch dark out there; When everything just seems hopeless and lonely, I'm glad that the stars and the moon are there to light up my path and show me the way.
I see hope.

Right now, fallen, again so low, and tangled with myriad problems, what I'm looking forward everyday would be the time when I'm able to quietly enjoy the stars and moon.
Its my only comfort.
Its my only way out.
...
...

I'm not expecting much now.
Even if this means that I really cannot make it to a Local U.
So far, I've done my learning justice. I've given my best shot.
Whether YOU people believe it or not, it doesn't matter anymore. Go ahead and grimace in disbelief, or simply just disagree with what I'm doing, I don't care anymore, because ultimately, its MY life.

Jean

Bugged

I think I'm going to explode.
There are nagging worries that have been bugging me since weeks ago.
I'm trying desperately to get them out of my head.
As a matter of fact, (please don't be surprise) I feel more at ease during examinations.
Depressingly, after 3 hours (or less) of churning out information from my brain, anxieties sink in again.

The problem lies with me, not any one else.
I'm so tired with myself.
I'm exhausted.
How I wish I can just wash my hands off me, and proceed on with life.
Though I'm selfish, but I don't leave people behind.
I CANNOT leave myself behind.

I realised that the world doesn't revolve around you.
So its not true, when you think that everything will be fine, as long as you are only answerable to yourself.
Somehow, somethings/decisions that I've done or made, which will only affect, me, myself, my life, I feel that I have to be answerable to so many people.
WHY?
Why do I have to strive so hard, just to meet YOUR expectations?

Help.

I'm going crazy soon.
(All of the time, personal crisis just has to set in now.)

You know some people say, if your are in pain, you will feel better if you cry?
Perhaps... I really need a good cry.

Jean

Need a breather

My mind is plaque by troubles.
I can actually feel myself, unable to breathe because of those frustrating unresolved issues that are bottled inside me, now trying choke me by the throat.
Its like a turmoil going on and on in my head.
I blame the stress.

I think the trip is not a bad idea afterall.
Maybe I really need sometime off. A break from all the troubles.
Yes its escaping, but right now, besides escaping, I really don't know what to do.
I wanna leave now.

I'm really tired with myself.

Jean

Spendthrift

Ah yes. Its drizzling outside with lightning flashing inconsistently.
A weather just nice to cuddle myself under my quilt and turn in for the day. (It would be better of course, to do away with the thunder and have a storm. ^^)
However of course, I'm a student mugging for A levels, I'm stripped of the privilege of doing so.
So here I am, again, blogging at this hour, with piles and piles of Chemistry notes and books laid before me, and this slow/laggy net-book of mine.

Oh, speaking of storm, did I ever mention that I'm afraid of thunder?
If I could remember accurately, maybe once, subtly, in one of my previous posts. Haha!
Yes, I'm afraid of thunder. I don't show it, but that does not mean that I'm not. :P
Nobody knew, haha, it WAS a secret. However, since now I've openly confessed this fear of mine, I guess its no longer a secret anymore. Besides, its really not something worth being secretive about. Haha.

Anyway, I need to rid myself of the habit of being a spendthrift.
Sometimes you just need that spur of impulse to make you spend prodigiously - usually on things that you really don't need.
I need to control that impulse. T_T

I bought myself a bottle of... juice.... I think.
Mainly because the bottle has a cute figure. ^^
But the juice just taste... awful (is that the word?).
After you have swallowed it, it leaves an unpleasant lingering weird sensation around/at your throat.
The worse part is, it wasn't cheap. T_T

I've been cheated. T_T

Jean

Roles

Stress has invaded my mind these few days.
I'll get all uptight and upset about major stuffs as well as minor stuffs easily.
But don't worry, I'll get over it.

As compared to yesterday, revision was more fruitful today. Memorizing is torturous but then again, its only for these few weeks, I shall endure without complains.

While thunder clashes and lightning strikes, with howling wind coupled with pounding rain trying to break my window, here am I, blogging at this ungodly hour - when I should be memorizing the mechanism of Nucleophilic Substitution and the reaction pathways for Organic Chemistry - along with a cuppa tea, nice and cozy. (I predict there will be a storm tonight - best weather to tuck myself under my cozy quilt and drift off to my dreamland. ^^)

Anyway, I've been trying hard to balance my role as a daughter, an elder sister and now as a girlfriend.
I've always thought that all these roles are separate entities, non of which would have conflict in interest with one another.
However, I realised that I was wrong.

I'm quite experienced in terms of being a daughter, 19 years in fact. Also, not to mention, 16 years of experience of being an elder sister.
However, less so as a girlfriend.

Though above said, while trying hard to play my role well as a girlfriend, I failed as a daughter and a sister.
I failed to understand.
I failed to consider their feelings.
Then, when I'm trying to make things right, I screwed up my role as a girlfriend.

I'm sorry but I'm selfish.

I never knew it would be so difficult.

Maybe we are all new to the change, and we are trying hard to make adjustments.
We'll adapt, soon enough.
We all need time.

Jean

Monkey

Studying wasn't as fruitful as the previous days today.

My brain isn't working or absorbing properly.

Sigh~

But fret not, I'm quite on schedule so, still ok. ^^

Anyway, hope tomorrow will be better. :)

Went groceries shopping with daddy and mummy just now and I brought a Monkey home. ^^

Its quite adorable actually haha.

Heres a picture of it ^^

How adorable :)

LOL!!!

Til Then

Jean

A surge of emotions

Despite my countless whines about how I'm having a difficult time trying to get A levels over and done with, and my numerous claims that the life after A levels will most probably be trouble-and-stress-free.

I know all my friends will disagree but, a part of me, indeed wish for time to just pause for a moment... Right Here, Right Now.

The sudden thought of leaving the school scares me.
Soon I'll have to face the wilderness of the real world, more or less... Alone. No longer sheltered.
With the exception of family members, I have no one left to tell me what to do or not to do.

It has dawned on me that, after this 4 weeks, we will all part and go different ways.
Another goodbye.
(Of course there will be a handful that will stay, while the other handful will leave.)
However fret not.
Though we are no longer bound within school compound, we are more now, bound by hearts that connect.

I sincerely hope everyone, the best of luck for you future endeavours.

PS: Suddenly overwhelmed by a surge of emotions.

Jean

Endure

OK.
TZY, you really need to stop distracting yourself.
I know post A lvl events are exciting but please, control yourself!!!

I'm suggesting, whenever you are distracted, just knock yourself against the wall.
So when you are out cold, you wouldn't think about your distractions anymore. ^^

Lol...

4 weeks are like years!!!
ENDURE!!!

Jean

NOVEMBER

YAY!!! ITS FINALLY NOVEMBER!!!
The dreadful 2010 is ending soon!!! ^^

A level commences next week.
OK. I need to get a full A level cert in order to proceed with the next stage of my plan.
So PRESS ON!!!

Turbo mugging this week.

HANG IN THERE CAUSE ITS JUST 4 WEEKS TO THE END OF THE BATTLE (FROM NOW)!!!

GO GO GO!!!

Jean