Grounded

OK, the previous post was meant to end MAY. But I decided to post one more, out of sheer boredom.

When you are grounded, you can't go out. Not being able to go out, means no life, means I'll have to maintain contacts with my friends through virtual means.
However, sadly, I guess I'm just plain nuisance.
My friends couldn't be bothered about me. LOL
Hence keeping contact through virtual means = EPIC FAIL.

Its ok, so I shall resort to talking to myself.
I'm used to being a loner anyway :P

"OK, what shall we talk about today Jean?
HMMM... I don't know Jean. What would you like to talk about?
Shall we sing? Ehz Jean?
Gee, I don't know Jean, what song shall we sing?
HMMM... what about FMP's Tomorrow? We need to train our vocal cords you know Jean?
OK Jean, lets sing Tomorrow! :D"

A lame post to end May.

PS: Once again, I emphasize, YES! ITS MY FAULT! I GOT MYSELF INTO BEING GROUNDED, BECAUSE I DID BADLY FOR MY PREVIOUS SEMESTRAL ASSESSMENT. But do you really think I enjoy being locked in?
If you are unhappy with me not being able to go out, I can only suggest you to GROW UP.

JEAN

May

Last post for the month of May.

I belong to the group of people who will work VERY HARD for what they want.

I'm taking a risk here.
I've cancelled all of my tuitions and rejecting all other tuition offers, just because I want to trust myself, just because I want to prove myself that I can do equally well even without tuitions.

I only have myself to depend on.
If I fail my Semestral Assessment.
I guess I'm just one dead meat.

Nevertheless, I'd chose to take this risk.
I guess at a certain point in time, we HAVE to challenge our limits. :D

"If I can do relatively well for O levels, I don't see why I can't for A levels."

- Jean

On a side note... Now to think of it, TPGE only require one and a half year of commitment, I'm not surprise when I'm able to persevere to the end.

So, after A levels, if I ever make it to NUS, the next challenge for me would be, testing again, my perseverance level: 3 to 4 years of commitment in GENUS.

Its personal.

I need to train up my level of commitment and my perseverance level. If I can overcome my inability to persevere, theres nothing in life that I can't do.

After yesterday's experience with an ex-life skill trainer, I realised, life skill courses doesn't work for me. I'm self motivated. Well, it may work for others, but DEFINITELY not for me.

JEAN

Status Quo

Stick to Status Quo?

Never.

Jean

Compromise

OK, we have reached a compromise.

They will get me my electric guitar after my A levels.

I will not go out this JUNE and mug for my A levels.

Trading my freedom for my guitar
I guess... fair enough
Jean

Haunt

It has been a difficult month.
All of the emotional struggles and whatnot.
I try not to think about them now. Perhaps I'll feel better that way. Call me an escapist, I'm one, I don't care. Nontheless, I'm pretty aware that, as much as I don't think of it, it will still be there waiting to haunt me... or is it haunting me already?

Don't tell me to look on the bright side... because in my world, it is raining cats and dogs.

Reality will sink in anytime, or rather it is sinking in by the second.
How much longer can I escape from it?
Can I still deny its presence even though it is slowly creeping in?
I'm an idealist, I hate reality.
Can the ideal and reality co-exist?

Reality made me choose. The ideals allow the best of both worlds.
Though I prefer the latter, I can't.

I feel like shutting this world from mine.

Shut.
Jean

Hollow Heart

My life is pathetic.

I've nothing to look forward to anymore.

When I still have TPGE, at least I've somewhere to chill and hang out after a long and exhausting day/week.
When all has ended. I'm alone. I'm empty. I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know how many can understand, but all the restrictions and expectations are overbearing.

I have no idea how having an electric guitar is distracting. I didn't wanna ask, because they are going to give me the same answer all over again.

I'm feeling numb, and indifferent.
Everything seems so meaningless.
I can't seem to find the direction.

Frankly speaking. I'm lost again. Or perhaps, I never had found my way? Perhaps... I'm always lost.

I don't know why, this year has been so tiring for me.
Maybe not doing anything would make me feel happier.
Maybe just stare blankly to some random space would make me feel better.

I question the purpose of my existence.

I don't feel whole. I feel a hole inside me. Hollow.

I can't emphasize my emptiness any further. Because when its empty, its empty.

Maybe in the near future, I'll start to lose my senses. I'll forget how to smile, how to laugh, how to joke. Maybe the fun side of Jean will be gone... Soon... Or maybe, it's gone already... I don't know.
Like what my friend said, we will get more and more tired, more and more cranky as the day goes by... Tolerance level will decrease by the second.

Yes, I couldn't agree more.

It has never been so difficult. I don't understand. Nothing is going right for me.

PS: Should I still fight for my guitar?
Empty... Hollow
Jean

Energy bar = Empty

OK. I know I've complained that I'm exhausted and tired for god knows how many times. But feeling so fatigue, to the extent that I can doze off at any place and any time was a first.

If I'm a phone, my battery's energy level is only half a bar. Soon, the signal: "Battery empty, please recharge." will appear, and *PLOP! I'll just fall into a deep sleep. LOL (OK, thats pretty dramatic.)

Anyway, I couldn't emphasize more, that VIVACE! was a huge success, I still can't get over it.

I need to get my head back into academics, because I've promised myself and everyone that I'll do so. Even though theres guitar handover camp, and whatnot, I can't really devote myself as much now... :( My mum has been nagging these two days that I really should start hitting the books. So, I may not finish Lotus Eaters, Pirates of the Carribean, Jalousie... etc. SADNESS to the MAX!!! But I'll try. Maybe I'll play it when everyone is asleep or something. Hope it works!!!

LOL
Jean

The last note - The end of the journey

As the last note of Bach's Sleepers Awake rang and stopped yesterday, our TPGE journey ended along with it as well.

We started off with nothing. Not even able to play the easiest songs.

When nearing the competition period, when we still couldn't play as well as we oaught to, worries and anxieties were overwhelming. We worry that we can't even make it for the top 3.

WE DID IT.
We gave our best.
We clinched it. We claimed the first prize for the 4th Annual Guitar Competition, last month 17 April 2010.

"We were FIRST in the competition".

-Angelyn Wee

We had met alot of obstacles when we were preparing for "Vivace!". Many things did not go according to plan. Many of us were tired, demoralised, irritated, annoyed and whatnot.

We worry together, fret together, stressed together and cried (ok luh... not that dramatic) together. Nontheless, we worked hard together to solve all problems we faced possible.

And in the end, I guess we made it through the rain!

"VIVACE!" 2010 was a success!!!

"We are the FIRST batch to have a FULL HOUSE concert. "
"We are the FIRST batch to have plenty of rehearsals just for a concert."

-Angelyn Wee

It goes to show, if you have put in your effort, it will definitely pay off!!!

It was a touching moment when the ensemble reached the final phrase and the last note of Sleepers Awake.

I can't deny that when I reached the final phrase, my eyes were tearing.
My hands were reluctant to continue. I was reluctant to continue.
I closed my eyes, to enjoy the last ringing of the last few notes. I felt our love for music. I felt our passion for TPGE.

I wish we hadn't finished the song, I wish "Vivace!" didn't end, I wish yesterday could go on forever.

Sleepers Awake holds great sentimental value to all TPGE members, if not, at least for me. :D
We won first prize with Sleepers Awake. We sort of started off our TPGE journey with Sleepers Awake. And yesterday, we ended the journey with Sleepers Awake.

My last note was an E. I'll always remember that.

"TPGE always seriously shine during the right time"

-Angelyn Wee

I couldn't agree more. Hence this makes our one and only brilliance more valuable and touching.

~Something more personal.... :D

I remember, a few months ago, I was contemplating whether to take up the role and challenge of being a section leader or not.

My dilemma was because firstly, I'll be transferred to a new section which I'll have to spend more time to relearn all the songs.
Secondly, in terms of my ability, I did not believe I could do it.
Lastly, was my commitment level. I feared I couldn't commit as I'm expected to.

I accepted the offer in the end. Although I'm not a very good Section Leader, I'm quite happy with myself and that I'm given this opportunity. Many thanks to those who had recommanded me, and Dominic, Jun Jie, Jay and Jovi for teaching/guiding me along the way.

TPGE gave me a chance to conduct. Yesterday was my first and the probably my last time conducting. Although I'm not very good at it I had enjoyed myself. A good experience.

And I'm very grateful to Angelyn and Mr Choo for giving me this chance. I thank all Exco members for your feedback.

~On a side note...

Many asked me why am I still holding on to TPGE, even if I knew perfectly well that I can't balance my studies and CCA. They asked me: "What are you trying to prove?"

I told all of them: "I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm not a quitter. I'm trying to prove that my commitment span is not that short. I'm trying to prove to myself that I can perservere. I'm trying to prove to everyone that I will not walk out on any party ever again, even if the situation is problematic and disastrous."

I guess I've proved it.

~ To take this chance...

THANK YOU: TPGE.

THANK YOUS:

Angelyn - For giving me alot of opportunitites and being a great friend. I really can't thank you enough :D

Dominic - For being a great friend and your hard work - Printing matters LOL :D

Shanen & Wan Zhen & Wai Ping - For being a great friend always there to make me laugh :D

Jovi, Dominic, Willis & Jia Rong - Six Harmonix wouldn't be possible without you people. Our debut was a success!!! KEEP IT UP AND ON!!!!

Jay & Jun Jie - For your guidance. Jay - Sleepers Awake and Jun Jie - Your constant feed back on my singing and stage presence. They helped :D THANKS!!!

Eugene & Ernest - for your hard work and being a great friend :D

And thank you to those TPGE members who have helped me and assisted me in any way, along the way.

I have alot of emotions and feeling inside me, but whatever I wanted to say/express were practically what everyone had said, and my TPGE journey/ experience can't be easily concluded/summarized with just a few words and phrases. So, I guess I need not say more. LOL We all felt the same way.

Undeniably, the future without TPGE will definitely be pretty boring and empty. I'll treasure whatever memory I had with TPGE. (From last year's Panorama to the June camp, to this year's competition, to yesterday's "Vivace!"... et cetera.)

Batch: TPGE 0910 has a great bunch of extraordinary people.
To all TPGE members who read or don't read my blog:

"Everyone, I sincerely wish you people all the best for everything in life, never give up when things are not going your way, they will definitely get better and Lastly... ROCK ON! :D"

Keep in touch :D

Jean

Fatigue

It is so true when I say this week I'm going to be uber tired.

I headbanged for almost all the lessons and lectures this week. Nothing went in, nothing registered at all.

I ought to sleep now.

LOOONNNGGG LOOONNNGGG DAAAYYY tomorrow.

Keep Pressing On!
Jean

Escapist

Sometimes after a long period of dejection, when I thought I've moved on, when I thought I could finally bury whatever thats related inside me;
Then when something suddenly triggers that long untouched memory, it has dawned upon me that all along I've always, and still am at that same spot.

I've not moved on, I've not progressed at all.

Maybe a little.
But definitely not a big step.

Have I not try to forget?
Have I not try hard enough?
Have I chose to escape and avoid that part of reality, when I should be facing it?
Have I lied to myself?
Do I really know myself?
Do I really know what I want?

I'm quite lost now.
How on earth did I land myself in such a mess?!

"Jean, you can lie to everyone in this world but no point lying to yourself. It ain't gonna help."

True That.
Jean

9pm

9pm. :D

I think I'll take pink form tmr. may or may not, depends on my mood :D

I hope non of the teachers are my blog's reader, or I'll get it from them like BIG time.

I'm very tired.

But for Vivace, all of its worth it.

Thursday... What a drag, my thursdays are generally not the best. Dread thursdays to the max!

Boo!!!
Jean

Sleep Debt

I'm sleeping as much as I can now.
Just like the hibernating theory, if I sleep more now, then the rest of the week, I don't need as much sleep as I normally needed.

I know it works, trust me :D
If hibernation works, my theory works too. :D

...
...
...
...
...
...
...

O C'MON! DON'T BE SUCH A WET BLANKET!!!
Of course I know it doesn't work!!!
But I need to hypnotize myself that it does!!!
Or I'll feel uber fatigue this week.
I need my energy for Vivace!!!

Sheesh!

Keeping my fingers cross
Hope Vivace starts well and ends well too.
Jean

Ensemble People! LOL

Spent the whole day with ensemble peeps today.
Wonderful bunch of people I must say.

Incurring sleep debt... I'll need to take a long long while before I can repay them.
I'm freaking tired.

Ensemble really needs drilling sessions like today. Its grilling but useful. We made progresses, thats a very good sign.

I wish I can talk more but, my eyes are half closed now.

So
ADIOS
Jean
LOVES YOU!!! ENSEMBLE PEOPLE!

HECTIC

Next week is going to be REALLY hectic.

Monday: Missing school (which means I'll be missing a very important literature lesson) because of medical appointment. (SADNESS~) + Piano + Studying for Chem test and quick check.

Tuesday: Chem Quick Check + Night Study til 9pm

Wednesday: Vivace Rehearsal til 9pm

Thursday: Chem test + Night Study til 9pm

Friday: Vivace Rehearsal til 9pm

Saturday: VIVACE!

Although we have J1 camp and probably a step-down-cum-celebration party/dinner after Vivace!, next week is officially the last week of CCA for TPGE.

I'm glad we are improving, but there are still room for more.

I need to start being strict with them, in terms of music quality.

My ears are pretty fussy about quality music, but definitely more, towards the general presentation of the song. Should I follow the scores? or my intuition on how I think the piece should be presented?

JEAN

Medical Appointment

Medical appointments are taking up all of my school time.
Missing lesson, especially Literature is no joke.

How on earth did I even agree to schedule my appointment on monday?!
Now what... I'm going to miss school all over again. Shouldn't even have went for scope.

I'm uber frustrated now.

Jean

Worries

2 more weeks to the end of my commitments towards TPGE.
Feeling quite ambivalent.
Not extremely happy or sad.
Probably to some, yes, I finally could focus more on my academics.
To me, its one less thing to look forward to every week.

"Vivace" is a heavy load on my mind (let alone to even imagine the weigh it has on Dominic and Angelyn, Wai Ping, Shanen, Wan Zhen.. etc [practically all the concert in-charge]).
Because of the tight schedule, theres alot of things to be done before 22 May 2010. I kept having bad dreams on 'Vivace". Is it a bad omen? I worry.
I'm not complaining about the amount of things to do, like I mentioned before, its a bliss to worry, getting busy and all tied up for things that you care about. I'm happy that I'm involved and I'm doing all of these.
The sense of belonging is building up, its something I've never felt before, and its gonna end soon.

Like Angelyn said, TPGE is an ensemble that will eventually rise to the occasion and shine at the very last moment.
I couldn't agree more.
Yes, that makes the one and only briliance more valuable, more touching.

I hope all of my worries are unduly. "Vivace" will turn out well and successful.

Jean

Finally

Went for scope today.
I felt that I was part of their experiment.
Lying on the operation table was scary.
Staring at the tubes and needles, nurses crowding around me, under the effect of sedation, I drifted off to dream land.

When I woke up, it was already 2 hours later.
Still under the spell of sedation, I wasn't very lucid.
The nurse was asking how was I feeling, to satisfy my curiosity, instead of replying her, I actually asked her for my blood type. No link at all.

She assisted me to the holding area, and gave me a cup of milo. Still under the effect of sedation I drifted off again to dream land, with that cup of milo in my hand. I woke up a few minutes later and realised that I spilled the milo all over myself.

After that, I can't remember a thing. I can't remember when did I change out of the hospital gown, I can't remember what I had for lunch.

After effect of sedation = slight amnesia.

I can't rememeber how I got home, and woke up on my own bed, thinking that I'm so late for school.

My day was so... messy.

The preparation stage was horrible. The 2 litres of lavage solution is almost impossible to digest and swallow. I vomitted twice and the third time, I vomitted blood. I scared the hell out of myself. Then I stop drinking it. It was a total nightmare. Thank god, its all finally over.

Feeling quite incoherent and fatigue, I shall sleep soon.
Jean

Sad Soul

I'm one sad sad soul.

Its a slow weekend, I'm not complaining.

Can't wait for next friday, so can spend time with ensemble people to decorate the banner. I'm so going to spam the white spray paint.

My world revolves around TPGE now. Nothing beats the MASS CONVO everyday. But to be fair and to strike a balance, I need to start hitting the books. Its not that I haven't been doing it, its just that nothing seems to register even after full 2 to 3 hours of cramming.

I guess my head is just as hollow as my stomach. Yes HOLLOW STOMACH. I only ate PLAIN bun and PLAIN congee today. EMPTY EMPTY EMPTY.

Light diet continues tomorrow. CAN'T WAIT FOR THE SCOPIES TO END.
If can, I'll finish wed's homework tomorrow... which is Chem tutorial. Not even thinking about Tues' work because I'm missing school!!! Is it a good thing or a bad thing??? Hmmm... good question.

If I'm still able to walk around on tuesday after my scopes, I may drop by Daiso for my fake nail glue or Bugis Junction for Beard Papa. Its either or for me. :D But according to dad, my scopes will last for half a day... SAD SAD LIFE... ULTIMATE SADNESS.

Don't you people agree that I'm one SAD SOUL?
JEAN

Groggy

I'm pretty groggy today.

No surprise here, it always happens when I sleep last then 4 hours.

I think I lost something very important. But I couldn't get over it because I'm very sure that I did not bring it out. It could still be lying at some corner in this house now. The sad thing is I don't know where that corner is!

I can't sleep now because I'm waiting for 9 O'clock to come so that I can eat my last magnum before I go into light diet tomorrow in preperation for my scope on Tuesday.
I can't eat whenever and whatever I want = Torture!!!

SAD SAD LIFE
Jean

Still up

Despite physically, my eyes are closing, my body is weary, but mentally I'm still wide awake and in fact quite lucid and active.

I am destroying my 'Can't help falling in love' score by highlighting massively on it, in order to assist me in conducting.

I'm formatting VIVACE!'s programme booklet. Tickets will be out next week. So I'm starting to reserve tickets. Somehow theres this little confident inside me that makes me thinks that VIVACE! could be a full house concert. Well, its a good start.

PLEASE PLEASE COME FOR OUR CONCERT, VIVACE!
GO TO TPGE's blog: http://tpjcge-vivace-concert.blogspot.com/ for more details :D

ARGH.... ToMoRRoW need to go to SCHOOL... :(
NEED TO BUT FAKE NAILS GLUE.
TUESDAY will be my double scopes, wish me luck.

OK
ADIOS
JEAN

Updates

Again, no surprise, I'm exhausted.

I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow, Friday and next Tuesday.

Tomorrow: Chemistry SPA; H2 Lit Paper 3 Mid-Term Test; Night Study.
Friday: H2 Lit Paper 1 Mid Term Test.
Next Tuesday: My postponed Gastroscopy and Colonoscopy.

Ensemble was ok today. At least I'm more focused than last week. Still need to work on Yesterday once more. I really have no time to practice You Raise Me Up before Friday's session. I'll have to make it up during the weekends.

A thought.

If given a choice, would you choose to restart your life?

I don't know... probably?
Restarting means I can erase my flawed past, giving up what I don't have. But it also means that I'll have to give up on what I already have.
Dilemma much?
Well, it will never happen anyway.
Sometimes I wonder where on earth do I get the time to think about all of these nonsense?

Beats me.

My eyes are closing soon.

Ciaos!
Jean

Acceptance?

I can never stress enough that my "Vivace Repertoire" is getting more meaningless and boring by the second.

I woke up everyday, feeling so dreaded. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing at all.

Well, the only thing that interest me now (besides music and drawing) would be Literature. At the very least, I could immerse myself in a variations of context, imagine myself to be part of the novel, part of the drama.

Nontheless, when reality creeps in, its just another one of those rounds of being overwhelmed by disappointment and emptiness.

Emptiness. Its a frequent experience. No one likes it. I'm no exception. Nevertheless, I'm quite immune to it already.
Accepting that my life is just so empty? Probably.
Numb and Indifference? Affirmative.

Can I just stop doing everything and idle?
A rhetorical question.

I don't understand why people just have to stare at you blankly when you say you want to do something different and so out of the box.
Everyone is an unique individual.
I don't understand what is so wrong about doing something different?
For those who can't accept differences, I'm sorry, you can shut this window now, because I'm one of those who are proud to admit that I'm different and I enjoy being unique.

Isn't it saddening? Whenever I'm happy, the happiness's life span only last for a day or two. The rest, is either I feel tired and nothing at all or I'm just simply upset.

Staring at the 25 marks Econs question, I question again...
"What have I done to land myself here... at this state?"

Jean

Perturbed

I had fun yesterday. Hanging out with ensemble people is a cool and happy thing. However I was very perturbed yesterday, so I didn't really enjoy the fun to the full extent.

Perturbed? Oh well... If I'm not wrong I think I'd mentioned before that one's emotions will be conveyed through the music that he/she performs. Well, the music that I've played yesterday was a total disaster. The mood wasn't there, the tempo was chaotic, I didn't listen to the music as a whole, I was too focused at my parts, I wasn't feeling anything.
In other words, I was just plucking and struming the guitar like some soulless creature. So the music coming from me, sounded, soulless as well.
Am I affected? If I say No.. Its a lie. --- Yes I am.
Yes... So I was very perturbed.

When I was younger, I told my piano teacher that because I'm tired, so I didn't have time to practice my piano, or because I'm tired I couldn't focus.

So one day, she told me that no responsible musician would blame his/her poor performances on exhaustion.
If they lose focus/not paying attention, just say they lost it/zoned out, take a break, freshen up and then revisit what went wrong. If they can't play, just say they can't, and start practicing.
Tired doesn't always equates to Losing focus. Tired cannot be an excuse to cover the inadequate practice that he/she had, because that will only make people despise them.
Don't be afraid of being reprimanded because in actual fact, they did not practice/ they are not paying attention.

In other words, she was trying to tell me, admit what went wrong, do not find excuses for my mistakes and accept the punishments for not practicing and not paying attention. Well, in another sense, its a good life lesson, though her words were a little harsh for the young me, whom failed to understand her intentions at that time. :P

Well, now I finally understand, hence, (whenever I meant it seriously) I never used exhaustion to explain my mistakes or whatsoever.

I've always acknowledge that it was my own musical incompetency that had caused me to play badly. But yesterday, I knew, its not about my musical ability, its because I lost my focus... or probably both.
Yes So.. I'm perturbed.

I hope that next week would be better.

I still have issues with my nails. I need them to grow ASAP. Or else, I'll resort to fake ones.

"Do you hear me nails?! Thats my final warning to you ok?! So now, GROW!!!"

JEAN