Forbidden Love

The magical affinity between me and piano (especially Tunest) began 5 years ago... and it was because of "Forbidden Love".

I was strolling along the corridor when I overheard my senior playing this song on the piano.

The melody drew my attention. Unknowingly, it woke my passion for music as well as sparked off the interest I had for piano.

I was very determined to learn the song.
However, because I was too busy with exam syllabus, I hardly have the time to learn it. :(

While packing just now, somewhere between that huge pile of music files, I accidentally stumbled upon the sheet music for 'Forbidden Love'.

Well since I have sometime to spare, I sat in front of the piano, played 'Forbidden Love'. Though I didn't managed to finish it today, I'll finish it someday.
And that 'Someday' will come.

Trust me.
Its a promise.

Jean

Thought-less

I'm surprised.
I haven't been thinking.
(Except academic theories) Nothing is going on in my mind.
It seems that nothing is bugging me lately.
I'm actually free of troubles!

I used to have a lot of things to ponder about, but now....

Woo.. Don't be mistaken, I'm definitely not complaining.
I guess it is a result of letting go and moving on. :D

But to me, being thought-less for so many days, seems quite uncommon...

I wonder...
Is it a sign of calmness before the storm?
Is it a sign of giving up? Resignation? or Surrender?
Am I surrendering my passion and dreams to reality?
Is it really true that romantic idealism and brutal realism/pragmatism can never co-exist?
Or
Is it simply because I really have nothing to cogitate about?

...

Sheesh! I'm such a worrywart!
I should have faith in myself.
At the very least, I should trust myself that the fire within me - passion for music; writing stories and drawing - will never cease.

Hang on Jean!
You are almost there!!!

Jean

Updates...

Night study sessions are surprisingly useful.
At the very least, for someone like me, who ain't very discipline about studying at home, it is definitely useful.

However, as useful as it is, "brain fried" is simply inevitable. So usually I'll keep some energy bars in my bag, so I can munch on them to keep me awake. :D
Sadly, I'd tend to finish them before night study sessions commence.
So yar, my plan to save myself from being "brain fried" failed. Terribly.

Got myself a new pair of spectacles.
Its red in colour.
Please don't be mistaken, red is not exactly my favourite colour, I just feel like getting myself a red one.
I've got a lot of issues with this specs. I'm sorry if I'm so emotionally attached to my previous specs, but, I can't seem to relate myself to this new one. And, I still think that it is too big for my face.
But whats done can't be undone. Since I've bought the glasses, I shall stick to it and hope that the both of us could come to a compromise and we would be more tolerant of each other.

Still in the mist of getting use to the specs.
Sigh~ Dizzy days ahead.

Jean

Too many things...

There are just too many days in a year that worth remembering, but somehow, they keep slipping my mind.
Sorry peeps! Will make it up to you people once A levels are over.

Anyway, too many things to rush before they meet their respective deadlines. On top of our own revison plans, the teachers keep piling us with homework/ assignments, thinking that we have plenty of time to finish them. How nice. :D

I know its not the right time, now, to contemplate between which to buy - an electric guitar or a music station after A levels. But I can't help it!!!!
I've been thinking about the pros and cons of getting the former or, if not, the latter... But you know, I want them both!!! I can't do without either one!!!
Why can't I get the best of both worlds?

Sadness~

Anyway today is a long day, my eyes are half close while typing, need to turn in now...

(*Flashing) Energy Level = EMPTY/ZERO. (*Flashing)
(*Flashing) PLEASE RECHARGE! (*Flashing)
(*Flashing) SHUTTING DOWN IN 10, 9, 8... 4, 3, 2, 1 (Fade off)

Jean

Updates...

Finished Electro-Chemistry. WOOZ!

Still have Literature's thematic mindmap. :(

I'm again, yes again, addicted to Mahoraba. :D

The manga's and anime's plot are more or less similar. However presentation of how the other 4 personalities merged into one is different.
I prefer the anime's version though. :P
Nevertheless, whichever it is, I love the both of them. :D

Next aim: I shall purchase the DVD of Mahoraba. (*EVIL LAUGH: MUAHAHAHA)

Jean

I've remembered

I've forgotten.

I've forgotten the overwhelming emotions I've felt 2 months ago. - When I was on that stage with my TPGE peers, waiting to play (our encore piece) Sleepers Awake for the last time.
With tears welling up in my eyes, I rang the last note of Sleepers Awake.

That was a memorable and a sensational moment. I was emotional.
Together with TPGE, we have been through thicks and thin; ups and downs.
It was definitely a result of our hard work.

Didn't we feel bleak and pessimistic about our standards?
Didn't we feel lost and anxious while preparing for either the competition and/or 'Vivace'?
(Well, at least I did.)

Nevertheless, despite all the obstacles and anxieties, we made it, didn't we?
Its an example of 'hard work paid off', isn't it?

We were thrilled! We were hopeful!

But I was blinded by the demoralizations;
I was so convinced that miracles do not exist;
I lost all hope;
I've fallen into the deepest, darkest pit.

All along, I've claimed that I'm searching for my inspiration - a motivation to pull me up - when I've over-looked that very moment! - That moment when we were so motivated to work hard, the moment of being motivated to fight it all out and achieve what we wanted, the moment of faith, the moment of hope.

I've forgotten, and now, I've remembered.

What I'm looking for, never left.
It has always been right there, before my eyes.
I was blind indeed.

Now, equipped with motivation and hope.

I Will Win The Battle.

Jean

Personify

I'm fretting about my new song.
No melodies seem nice to me.

I... No, Tunest (My piano - Sorry, I have the tendency to name my stuffs) with nothing better to do, always come up with some weird combinations - and the tune just doesn't sound right.

I was so fed up with it! So I left Tunest alone, wanting it to reflect upon it's mistakes.

Currently we are not speaking to each other... Unless of course, Tunest has finally decided to take the initiative to apologise.

I hope Elec (My future electric guitar) won't give me a hard time and will be more cooperative than Tunest.

Ciao!
Jean

For a change

Today is one of the rare days, in which I'm not in tune with the 'Blues'.

Happy for a change.

Mainly because the manga that I've ordered, arrived. :D
I figured, since I'm so down recently, I could use a little distraction to cheer me up.

Revised timetable starts next week. Lots of work to be done.
All the work, all the pain, all the struggles will end after this final lap.
Like what Mr V.Toh said to me during my O level preparation period: "Press On!"

Yes. I will.

I will do you proud.

Please be proud of me.

Jean

Last Song

To stare helplessly at your situation,
I can only write you a song.
At least on emotional level,
Naively, I hope it can ease your pain...

Yes... imagine it. Think about it.
The dancing music notes, in front of you.
Celebrating the day when you finally win the battle.
Rejoicing the day when you can, finally, hear me sing.

Day in, day out by the piano.

Finding the right notes and the right progressions.

Smoothen the transitions from key to key.

A melodious jigsaw.

I've never sung for you.
Not even the last song.

As much as I wanted to sing for you,
You can no longer hear me.
(Or can you?)

A last song for you...

I hope you like it.

Jean

Observing facades

I like being invisible.
Merging myself quietly in the background, observing people.

How do you like being observed?
Don't ask me. I don't know, I figure no one actually observes me anyway - I'm invisible, remember?

No issues with being alone and quiet.
Why is it such a big deal to keep quiet?
Yes I don't talk much, so?

I mean yes, I'll speak up when I really have to, but normally, I prefer being quiet...

Occasionally, I would prefer to be an onlooker, because when you are too involved, I suppose you will be more burdened than ever.

(Of course, when it comes to music and my stuffs, I wouldn't mind being bugged and burdened.)

Hmmm...

Now to think of it, in fact, sometimes, I find its easier to understand someone without much talking, without much communication.

TO ME, I believe that, when people speaks, they ought to hide, they tend to lie.
Usually, I end up befriending their facades, not them./ I'll end up knowing their "masks" better than knowing them. (Whichever case you like it to be.)

However, who am I to judge?
I'm one of those who hides, I'm one of those who lies, I'm one of those with multiple facades and masks on.

If you think you know me well and you think you have analysed/ understand me inside out, I urge you to think again.
Are you sure... you are not talking to my facades?
Are sure that you are befriending me and not my facades?

Haha.

Worry not. My facades won't harm. They are nice alter egos... Well unless you were mean to them in any way, I can assure your safety when interacting with them. (*Wink).

PS: Found a good way to sing now. Just need to practice it. Hope it could help me in reaching songs of a higher range. :D

Jean

Mess

Obviously I'm in a mess.

Its either a screw loose or a wrong wire has been connected to the wrong power point.

You think I'm overworked?
NO!
As a matter of fact, my mind has not been working hard enough and its getting a little rusty.

Now that I know what my problems are, I just need someone to oil the joints, tighten the screw or reconnect the wires in my head.

But... Who is the someone?

Jean

Everyday rants

I should have took the initiative, walked up to him, and asked him for his number.
Sigh~
All I could do was to stare helplessly at the leaving bus, and silently bid him goodbye.
Sigh~
Bye, stranger.
Sigh~
How frustrating to see, not opportunity but opportunities passing by, and not grabbing them.
Sigh~

Anyway, today was disappointing. Besides what I've mentioned above, the mangas that I've ordered two weeks ago, has yet to arrive.
I suppose I need to wait for another week before I could collect them. Extreme sadness.

I CAN'T WAIT!

OK... just some everyday rants.

Jean

Motivations?

I assume.

Everyone has one or a few people they have in mind, in which, they regard them as their inspiration. - People who motivates and/or insipires them in life.

I have a few, each for different aspects of my life.

Whenever I'm lost, I tend to see them as my compass. Motivating me to persevere through all the obstacles and finally, find my way out.

Academically, 2 years ago, when fighting the battle with the ugly monster named: O levels, Miss Soh was my motivation/insipiration (Whichever you like to call it). Her belief in me, made me carried on, even if the path was extremely rocky and/or even if I'm out of breathe and lacking the stamina to continue.

Then come last year. Somehow or rather, I've lost all my motivations. Miss Soh no longer motivates me academically (Instead, I look up to her, because of her ingenuities). It seems like, all of the sudden, I'm unequipped. Without the motivations, the confidence and morale boosters I used to have, I'm defenceless, I'm vulnerable to all possible demoralizations.

Its wilderness!

I guess thats when I've lost my way.

I never found the motivation that I was looking for. Even for promotionals, I struggled my way through. I've never considered it as my ability. As a matter of fact, I'm very sure that it was my luck that had pulled me through. I'm thankful for that. However, I acknowledge the fact that, I can never be as lucky for A levels.

The more I struggle, the more frequent the thought of giving up surfaces. Then I started to escape. I started to wallow in escapism. Because only by escaping, the thought of giving up could be suppressed. However I can never avoid reality forever. When reality sinks in, it hurts even more, it is more painful than if I'd faced it earlier.

I tried many ways to keep... NO, or rather, I've tried many ways to convince myself to be motivated. However, the efforts were futile. At first it was GENUS, then it was the electric guitar that I'll be getting after A levels, then it was the trip to Japan at the end of the year, then it was being able to do what I wanted after A levels, then it was......nothing. Nothing left. Non of these were influential enough to motivate me.

"A F9 student can't go any lower than that, all you can do now is either go up to an A1 or maintain as a F9."

- Miss Soh BP

Til now, I'm still in the mist of looking for my motivations. Since I'm so utterly deprived of the fighting spirit to carry on, I can no longer be demoralized further. Because I'm numb, I'm immune to demoralization already.

I don't know how many people have went through such psycological turmoil like I do now. Thinking about a million things, and not thinking about another million things everyday.

Trust me, it is torturous.

Ps: Don't ask me to go for life-skills courses, because they don't work for me.

Jean

Struggle

Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist.
I'm losing it.
I thought I understand myself very well, but I guess I'm quite mistaken.
I can no longer rationalize my actions and my thoughts.

I don't know why I've become so difficult, recalcitrant and resistant.
Clearly, its either I've lost my mind or someone/ something might have taken over me... - Which I think the latter would be utterly impossible, so it would most probably be the former.

庆幸的是，你知道你要什么。
但，我是不幸的。
犹如陷在流沙般的处境里。越挣扎，越陷越深，太深，深得令我窒息。
手里的枯藤也渐渐力不从心，快被我扯断了。

How does it feel to be trapped in a quicksand, and sinking fast?
Is it what I'm feeling now?

Struggles will only worsen the situation.

Jean

Listening

Went out with guitar peeps again. We had a late lunch at With A Pinch Of Salt (WAPOS). Its a nice place to have your meal and catch up with your friends. The price and the portion is ok FOR ME. Well no doubt, I will patronise them again - when I have the chance - in the future.

Its always nice to sit with a group of fantastic people when you are down.
Even if you are not talking much - listening to them has become the best remedy to numb your pain. Indulging in their jokes and laughter, even if its just for a second, you will forget about your problems.

I don't talk much - unless I really have something to say - but I listen. I observe. So you think my soul is somewhere else? No you are wrong. I'm always there. Present.

Nothing beats just sitting there, not talking... but listening.

Ps: Escaping is no longer useful to me. Because when reality sinks in, it hurts even more.
Sometimes I wonder how did I land myself in this pathetic state?
I suppose its just like failing a paper, because you have chosen the wrong question to attempt.
Similarly, I guess I've made a wrong choice. A wrong decision. And now, I'm suffering.

Jean

Despicable Me

Watched 'Despicable Me' with my Guitar peeps today.

Nice Show, however, not as hilarious as I expected it to be, and C'mon lets face it, Agnes and the Minions are SOOOO SOOOO CUTE!!! Totally love them to the MAX!!!

Some funny quotes from the movie...
(Quotes gathered from: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1323594/quotes)

Agnes: "Does this count as annoying?" [puckles her cheeks] (*Plop Plop Plop Plop Plop)
Agnes: [looking at a fairground stall's prize, a unicorn plush toy] "It's so fluffy, I'm gonna die!"
Agnes: [Cuddling her unicorn in ecstasy] "It's so fluffly!!!"
Gru: "We stole the Statue of Liberty...!" [the minions cheer] "...the small one, from Las Vegas!" [the cheers stop]

Agnes puckling her cheeks

OK, that aside.
I'm very worried about my health.
I can't see properly- failing eyesight, and theres something wrong with my ears - they hurt.
OMG...

Back to 'Despicable Me'.
Love the main theme of familial love. :D

OK, thats all for today.

Toodles!
Jean

Its my life

Again, even after a round of detour and avoidance, I'm still back to square one. I'm still at the same starting point. I'm standing here, right now, at the same cross-road of deciding which route to choose.

Nope, No progression. AT ALL.

Well, to think I can avoid it, and not face it ever again, but NO, I'm back here again.

Can I still do the things I love and at the same time, mug like theres no tomorrow for A levels?

The standard answer that I'll receive would be:
Yes, if I've got perfect time management.
No, if I can't balance both at the same time.

Sometimes, its easier said than done.
To be very honset, I'm not very discipline, I tend to procrastinate.
So I guess the answer to my problem is quite obvious.

However, I can't seem to settle down. the very thought of writing music; writing and finishing my stories; start drawing and working on my new manga; singing my heart and lungs out; strumming my guitar; buying a new electric guitar; finding gigs to perform; getting Six Harmonix to be famous; flying away to take a break (overseas)... et cetera...

AH! Youth!!!

I don't have time anymore... I can't wait... I'm one without patience...
One of my alter ego: The Wild & Crazy Jean is dying to break free from the convention.

I am dying to do something different!
I am ready to be different!
I am ready to make a difference in my life!
I refuse to be chained and trapped again.

Because its my life

Jean

'Complex' Numbers

I'm an even number person, and I have something against odd numbers.
(For those odd numbers' suporters out there, I'm very sorry but I really don't like odd numbers.)

As much as I dislike them, I need them, and I can't do without them.
TO ME, odd numbers are, more often than not, useful, as the determining factor to 'win or lose' situations (games, matches... et cetera.) and of course - for people like me, whom most of the time, couldn't make up their minds and always wanted to have the best of both worlds - odd numbers definitely come in handy, when it comes to decision makings. (as childish as it seems, yes, things like 'Eeny-meeny-miny-moe')

I love even numbers.
They can be easily divided, and make sharing so much easier. However as much as I love them, I find them extremely irritating. (Draws.) And being easily divided, I guess they don't only advocate sharing, but also division/ separation.

...

Sorry just some random thoughts about numbers.

Jean

Partly Cloudy

I love the weather today.
Its neither too cold nor hot, its neither too wet/humid nor dry.
Its around somewhere in between.
Just nice.
Just like partly cloudy.

"Don't have an assumption on who I am until you've met me."

- DMX (Rapper)

Jean

Jean?

(Edited)

I have a confession to make.
I'm guilty of putting up a false front when I'm in front of everyone/others.

So you think you know Jean? Think again.

A false front to protect myself.
A false front to prevent myself from getting hurt... again.

Out of so many split personalities, which Jean is the real Jean?
I don't know. You tell me.

Well I guess thats why I'm not loved and I failed to love.
Simply because I love myself more.
Simply because I don't know how to love.
Simply because since I can't even be true to myself, how can I be true to others?

I guess if in any case, by any chance, someone (besides Jean's family), accidentally or knowingly discovers the real Jean - The Jean that she has been trying so hard, for so many years, to protect from/against external harms and blemishes - and ultimately be able to accept her.
I guess she has found her Mr. Right.

Who doesn't long for someone who will love you the way you are?
Who doesn't want to be loved because you are yourself and not your facade?

...

If I shed my facade, are you able to accept me?
If I removed my mask, will you tolerate the real Jean... the real me?
If I promised to be myself, would you promise to love me the way I am?

The real Jean...
Sometimes I question....
What if the real Jean - which all along I've thought that she IS the real one - turns out to be just another facade?
Then who exactly is the real Jean?

I don't know...

(I guess this is why I've lost time and time again, to you.
Because you are always you, and you can be you.
But Jean is not Jean. I can't seem to be myself.)

Jean

Just a ring

Please ring!
I implore you, just a ring!
Just a ring to soothe my longing heart!
Just a ring to tell me that you are here!
How can I ever emphasize that I need you so bad!
We are so close and yet so far!
Please ring!
Just a ring!
You wanted me to wait for you...
But two weeks seems like an eternity to me!
However I'll wait for you!
Please just don't keep me waiting... for too long!

Yes you've heard me
MAHORABA~ HEARTFUL DAYS' MANGA...
I've already placed my order!
You can never escape from my grasp!!!
YOU WILL BE MINE!!!!

Jean

Entrapment

Have I not know how to love anymore?
Like a souless creature, not knowing how to feel.

Since when I've become so cold?
Like an ice mountain, unmovable, unbreakable.

I've lost my senses.
I've become emotionless.
Because I'm still in this entrapment, unable to break free.

Who can melt this icy heart?

Will you?

Jean

Self-Reflexive

Self-Reflexive. Its something like "a song within a song", "a play about a play"... something like a self-conscious narrator. It's a technique that I love to adopt (whenever possible) when I'm writing a story/ a poem or a song.

Self-Reflexive is one of my hobbies as well.
Constantly reflecting upon everything that I've done and not done.
Attempting to learn from every mistakes made, trying to absorb every possible knowledge from experiences... et cetera.
Reflect, reflected.
It's actually beneficial to constantly reflect upon ourselves.
Well undeniably it will make us a better person.

On a side note...
Sometimes little hints of success may turn out to be a false hope.
Nevertheless, since I don't expect much out of this, I'm not entirely disenchanted or embittered about it.

Sigh~

Sun rise and set...
I've been through so much, I don't want to lose them.
I'm burnt out, jaded, bedraggled, definitely.
But at the same time I know I've matured, mellowed.

To think I'll give up ehz?
Nope I won't.
Motivated?
Not yet. But I'll try.

I'm finally able to make some sense out of all of these tormenting and chagrining stress/pressure.

Like it or not, I shall move on.
Move on, Moving on, Moved on.
So I'll progress, progressed. Improve, Improved.

Jean

Cogitate

Last post ended rather abruptly.
Nevertheless, I shall not give it another ending because since I was interrupted, I've lost the inspiration to continue that entry.

Like I've mentioned earlier...
Try not to be too alone when you are alone.
Don't even give your thoughts and imaginations a chance to have control and take over your mind, or else you'll tend to lose it eventually.

Last few weeks were difficult for me. I was attempting to make responsible choices; busy reflecting/ changing; trying to find out who I am , where am I and/or what I want; cogitating as well as figuring out where and what to go for after A levels; questioning and mulling over the genuineness of my passion towards what I love; blah and whatnot.
In short, I've underwent another one of my waves of personal crisis... and I blame it all on my cognitive dissonances and the lack of understanding of myself.

All these cogitations, albeit arduous and burdensome, it was undeniably helpful (in one way or another) in assisting me to find out who/what I really am/want. Of course, at the end of the day, I guess they did helped me to work out of my cognitive dissonances and my struggles.

I guess everyone needs some reflective time, at some point in time or another, to chill off and to think about, or even plan out the different routes to take, for every different upcoming phases of life.
If not, perhaps you could just stop at this very moment or even for a few seconds/ moments to ponder about the very next path to take, and continue your journey from there.

For all you know, your choice of paths might be the key to a better change in your life.

Afterall, its all about choices and decisions isn't it?

Jean

"It's ok to fail"???

Ya know... after tonight, it would be the ultimate hell for me.

I'm going through a mixed of feelings here... I fear, I'm vexed, but at the same time I know I totally deserve it - I don't pity myself.

How long do I have to run in order to finish the race? Why does it seems like no matter how much and how long I've ran, I'm still no where near the finishing line? Is tomorrow the last lap? When is the last lap? Quick... I need to end this soon, I'm out of stamina... how many times do I have to repeat myself, that I'm out of breath, that I'm too tired to run?

Uncertainties.

Expectations, expectations... nothing but burdens and heavy loads. It seems so easy to say that: "I'm only answerable to myself for my own decisions..." But who on earth doesn't know that, thats nothing but a stupid lie?

How I wish someone could tell me "It's ok to fail..."
But you know...

haha... I guess its impossible.

Jean

Someday

Looking at how people succeed in doing the things I wanna do so badly... one half of me feels happy for them, while the other half is filled with pure jealousy... ok, put it in a nicer way, envious of them.

My belief of "I will get there someday" is slowly depleting by the second.
Just like what Roy Miller (played by Tom Cruise) mentioned in the movie Knight and Day:
"Someday. That’s a dangerous word. It’s really just a code word for ‘never'."
(Or was it something similar but different? Sorry I can't remember, but anyway, I've made my point here.)

You know, until he mentioned it, I've always thought that my 'someday' will come.
Now that he said it, I guess he makes sense in one way or another.
My 'someday' could be 'never', my 'someday' might never come.

But another hopeful thing is, Roy Miller sort of, did get his 'someday' in the end. So I guess I should try to hold on to the belief that "I will get there someday"?
Is it a realistic fetch?
I don't know, you tell me.

Jean

Decisions decisions...

Whichever or whatever decisions that I'm going to make, I'm only answerable to myself.

Yes. I won't regret it.

Jean

Movie. Ice Cream

Went out with Addie and Munirah today.
We caught Twilight - Eclipse as well as Knight and Day.

Nice movies, good shows. Watching Toy Story 3 next, heard that it was nice, just gotta catch it. :D

OK.

I think I'm mildly Enochlophobic - slight fear of crowd. The bus was overcrowding today, while I'm on my way home. I'm slightly uneasy about the crowd but, well I HAVE to get home by the bus, so I can only bear with the uneasiness I'm experiencing.

It wasn't the so much about crowd that was bugging me, it was the draggy bus journey and the lives of my ice creams.
Oh my god!!! My ice creams are dying (Melting)!!!! Drive faster!!! For crying out loud!
Here I am trying to save those poor ice creams from dying and there you are, driving slowly like a snail. OMG
Spare a thought for the ice creams ok?
We are talking about life and death matter here?! Your speed could kill an ice cream!!!
For crying out loud!!! Please respect their lives!!!

Ok, thats all for today :D

Jean

How apt right?

Accidentally stumbled upon this cute picture while surfing the net.
It aptly describes me.

How true :D

Disclaimer: I do not own this picture, it's for the sake of pure entertainment. :D

Jean

Over and Done with

I'm feeling rather ambivalent now.

One half of me is feeling pretty relief. Simply because the exams are over. I can finally take a break from all the mugging.
The other half of me is fretting about the consequences of my poor results: The-god-knows-how-many-days of night-study-programme; the yet again long school hours; where to slot my piano lessons?; the piling tutorials; the lack of time to study; the nagging; the reprimanding; the stress; the lack of stamina and energy to continue; anxieties, blah and whatnot.

Frankly speaking, I'm not at my best state.
I'm so tired.

I emphasize again that I'm lost.

Sometimes I just feel like shutting myself from the world and cry - so no one will see my pathetic state. But, the problem is, I think I've become such a souless person and that it has made me emotion-less as well.
I can't cry.
No matter how bad I'm feeling, even if I want to cry, I can't seem to do it.
I can't cry.
Something is wrong with me.

Something is bugging inside me.

Music, my temporary pain killer. They do relief my pain. When I'm down I'll turn to music for comfort.
However even when I'm enjoying them, theres always this split-second in which its always there to remind me of the reality, my pain.

Whoever can I pour my woes to?
No one.
I know its difficult for them to truly understand my situation.

I was motivated. Now, demoralized.

Everything seems so meaningless now.
I can't wait to get A levels over and done with, so I can concentrate on my music.

Going to University was never part of the plan.
To torture myself so badly in order to perform well for an exam was never part of the plan as well.
The plan was ACCA.
The plan was to lead 2 carefree years after the O levels.
The plan was to concentrate on music.
Since when someone altered my plans?
Since when I altered my plans?

I'm losing the stamina to run this rat race.
I don't know if its too early to conclude, but really, up to this point in life, I've never felt so fatigue and bad.
I knew I didn't live for these.
I knew I deserves better.

Despite all these rants and ventings. I still have to continue.
Its meaningless.

Ps: New song updated: Maburaho's Koi No mahou by Koda Kumi

Jean