I'm feeling rather ambivalent now.
One half of me is feeling pretty relief. Simply because the exams are over. I can finally take a break from all the mugging.
The other half of me is fretting about the consequences of my poor results: The-god-knows-how-many-days of night-study-programme; the yet again long school hours; where to slot my piano lessons?; the piling tutorials; the lack of time to study; the nagging; the reprimanding; the stress; the lack of stamina and energy to continue; anxieties, blah and whatnot.
Frankly speaking, I'm not at my best state.
I'm so tired.
I emphasize again that I'm lost.
Sometimes I just feel like shutting myself from the world and cry - so no one will see my pathetic state. But, the problem is, I think I've become such a souless person and that it has made me emotion-less as well.
I can't cry.
No matter how bad I'm feeling, even if I want to cry, I can't seem to do it.
I can't cry.
Something is wrong with me.
Something is bugging inside me.
Music, my temporary pain killer. They do relief my pain. When I'm down I'll turn to music for comfort.
However even when I'm enjoying them, theres always this split-second in which its always there to remind me of the reality, my pain.
Whoever can I pour my woes to?
No one.
I know its difficult for them to truly understand my situation.
I was motivated. Now, demoralized.
Everything seems so meaningless now.
I can't wait to get A levels over and done with, so I can concentrate on my music.
Going to University was never part of the plan.
To torture myself so badly in order to perform well for an exam was never part of the plan as well.
The plan was ACCA.
The plan was to lead 2 carefree years after the O levels.
The plan was to concentrate on music.
Since when someone altered my plans?
Since when I altered my plans?
I'm losing the stamina to run this rat race.
I don't know if its too early to conclude, but really, up to this point in life, I've never felt so fatigue and bad.
I knew I didn't live for these.
I knew I deserves better.
Despite all these rants and ventings. I still have to continue.
Its meaningless.
Ps: New song updated: Maburaho's Koi No mahou by Koda Kumi
Jean