Everyone has one or a few people they have in mind, in which, they regard them as their inspiration. - People who motivates and/or insipires them in life.
I have a few, each for different aspects of my life.
Whenever I'm lost, I tend to see them as my compass. Motivating me to persevere through all the obstacles and finally, find my way out.
Academically, 2 years ago, when fighting the battle with the ugly monster named: O levels, Miss Soh was my motivation/insipiration (Whichever you like to call it). Her belief in me, made me carried on, even if the path was extremely rocky and/or even if I'm out of breathe and lacking the stamina to continue.
Then come last year. Somehow or rather, I've lost all my motivations. Miss Soh no longer motivates me academically (Instead, I look up to her, because of her ingenuities). It seems like, all of the sudden, I'm unequipped. Without the motivations, the confidence and morale boosters I used to have, I'm defenceless, I'm vulnerable to all possible demoralizations.
Its wilderness!
I guess thats when I've lost my way.
I never found the motivation that I was looking for. Even for promotionals, I struggled my way through. I've never considered it as my ability. As a matter of fact, I'm very sure that it was my luck that had pulled me through. I'm thankful for that. However, I acknowledge the fact that, I can never be as lucky for A levels.
The more I struggle, the more frequent the thought of giving up surfaces. Then I started to escape. I started to wallow in escapism. Because only by escaping, the thought of giving up could be suppressed. However I can never avoid reality forever. When reality sinks in, it hurts even more, it is more painful than if I'd faced it earlier.
I tried many ways to keep... NO, or rather, I've tried many ways to convince myself to be motivated. However, the efforts were futile. At first it was GENUS, then it was the electric guitar that I'll be getting after A levels, then it was the trip to Japan at the end of the year, then it was being able to do what I wanted after A levels, then it was......nothing. Nothing left. Non of these were influential enough to motivate me.
"A F9 student can't go any lower than that, all you can do now is either go up to an A1 or maintain as a F9."
- Miss Soh BP
Til now, I'm still in the mist of looking for my motivations. Since I'm so utterly deprived of the fighting spirit to carry on, I can no longer be demoralized further. Because I'm numb, I'm immune to demoralization already.
I don't know how many people have went through such psycological turmoil like I do now. Thinking about a million things, and not thinking about another million things everyday.
Trust me, it is torturous.
Ps: Don't ask me to go for life-skills courses, because they don't work for me.
Jean