It all ends here

A life, many stages, (almost) a million stories.

I have arrived at an end to a stage of my life, and the beginning of another.

I have arrived to this point where many changes are taking place simultaneously, all of which, these changes will affect the next 10 years of my life.

Its time for me to understand, let go of the past and move on.

I had the time of my life as a baby, a child and a student. I had enjoyed being childish, being stubborn and be forgiven of all the baby mistakes that I've made for the past 18 years. Enough of all the tantrums, enough with the escapism, enough of being weak.

Its time to move on to adulthood.

Its time to be mature, to face pressures and responsibilities.

I used to wonder how long will I be able to keep up a blog? A few months? A few years perhaps... or forever? But I realised, its not the time and duration, but the stages of life that matters to keep up a blog.

Partly Cloudy is a record of memories, of my time as a child and a student. Its like my past... I cannot keep holding on to it and not let go... I need to put a stop, to end this stage of life, So I can continue on to the next one.

So, the blog ends here, together with my childhood - A past, a memory, many stories that I will cherish forever, yet I cannot bring it with me if I wanna proceed on.

I'm not forgoing a part of me. What has passed is past, I need to let go. Hiding in the hole of memories, will only deter me from moving on.

Ending here, is a form of closure, a recognition of reality.

I'll still keep this blog open, so if one day I decide to walk down the memory lane, and wanna reopen this box of memories, I still could.

It all ends here with a new beginning to look forward to.

New Blog: http://my-dream-box-and-me.tumblr.com/

Til then

Jean

Alone

Recently I seem to have lost all faith and confidence in marriage and/or love. From my perspective, the marriage life of that two person which I'm seeing now?
I would rather live a life without it.

I'm entertaining the thought of remaining alone for the rest of my life.

Jean

失望

我是个没有梦想的人。

在我向现实低头的那天，我已经失去了拥有梦想的权利。

半途放弃，只会让所有人对我失望。

我尤其辜负了你们...

Enter

My dream will never stay as a dream if I start acting on it. Yes, even if it seems impossible, I will work towards it. I'll start everything off with a wonderful script. I think, the key to it, is to keep things simple, interesting and funny. I have a lot of ideas in mind, the challenge is actually to pen them down.

Ever since last November, I have lost the touch of writing. Like holding a pen and scribble a few pages of essays. I actually missed doing that.

I hope this flame of passion don't die out like always. I need motivation to keep it going. I have plans, and its time to execute it.

Jean

7-Days

OK, I'm starting to dread weekdays.
Monday I've gotta work, Tuesday? Work and school, Wednesday piano and school, Thursday driving and school, Friday work. OK, maybe the only time I look forward to during weekday would be the occasional dinner I have with dear on Friday nights.
I'm beginning to get bored of this routinized arrangement.
I'm entertaining thoughts to escape from it again.

School has been such a bore. I've totally lost that enthusiasm towards attending school. I need to find something to interest me. Really. I also need time to pack my notes, and revise. Yes, I haven't really started my revision ever since school started. Everything is like in a huge mess! Well not that I don't have the time, but normal days after work, I'm already too tired and lazy to even touch my notes. SIGH, this suck.

Out of the seven days, I dread the 5 weekdays, love Saturdays and sometimes hate and feel neutral about Sundays. I love Saturdays because they are like my only day with Dear every week.

BIG BIG SIGH...
Jean

Happy Birthday Singapore!!!

9th August, National day - a day break for me yet I'm not fully utilising this privilege entitled to me. Sigh... Yes, you've guessed it, on this beautiful day, I'm rotting at home, just taking things very slowly.

Still... Happy Birthday Singapore!!! :)

After today, everything resumes - work and school and more work and more school. Getting busier and busier by the month. I hate it and love it, quite a bittersweet relationship I'm having now with my life. Sigh...

Gonna missed the fireworks today :( Sad life.

Jean

Emotions

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction". - Newton's third law

Its funny that, I'll tend experienced extreme sadness after I've gone through the same degree of happiness. People find me crazy, may even worry if I'm mentally sound or not. Sometimes I do worry about that myself.

I don't think I can be strong anymore. I seem to have lost that sense of control over my emotions. I realised that I can no longer hold in my emotions when I wanted to. Net told me that I shouldn't worry about it because this means I'm becoming more humane.
Perhaps letting my emotions flow as it wants is better for me, because holding it in, its just torturous.

Anyway, school starts already, I'm feeling a little weird about everything, hope I can adjust myself quickly.

Jean

Vulnerable

Pretty rough days I had, what I hoped won't occur, might happened.
I used to think that we are too distant. Whatever happened is not even enough make me feel anything... No that is not true. I actually felt something, so strongly. So we aren't that distant like I thought we were.

I don't know how to vent it out, those emotions, like a turmoil inside inside me, made me not able to breathe. I know if it becomes the truth, I cannot take it. I've been through it twice I don't want to go through it the third time.

I feel so helpless because theres really nothing I can do. Should I just give in to fate and destiny? Do I still have that power to control? No more I guess, ever since I've become a slave of reality, I lost my power to control.

Vulnerable, yes we are. Things come as quickly as they goes. Cherish the present I guess its the best solution.

Jean

Come what may

I think I'm getting used to this...
Weekdays just concentrate on what I have to do, and spend my weekends not thinking about work and just enjoy myself with Dear or friends.

But I wonder how long will it last?
Because changes are always taking place, and I'm a slow adapter, once I'm beginning to get used to something, its usually the time for me to start adapting to another new change.

Anyway, I'm feeling okay, about Dear having to book in because I know this week is sort of the last week he is going to do that. Well, after that, what happens? I'm not going to fret about it just yet... come what may for now.

I reckon the week pass just as fast as I wanted it to, so I'm just feeling very calmly about everything... Acceptance-embracement or resignition? I don't know, but I like this feeling about not rushing and taking things slowly.

Jean

Uber Happy!!!

Today and yesterday was another one of the best days of 2011.

Yesterday was because it was a great day spent with Dear. Today, not only I get to see Dear, I also found myself a Danboard!!! That was the utmost happinest I've ever experienced. To think I was a little disappointed with the fact that I missed the chance to grab one Danbo for myself when it was still in stock. And today, I found it, it was like... WOOO YEAH!!!

Haha! I was like laughing to myself when I came out from the figurine shop, really I was like smiling and laughing to myself. I think the passerby might think that I'm some looney or something, but hey! I got my Danboard, so I'm the boss!!! XD

Anyway, almost lost my ezlink card again, but thank god, a nice kind soul picked it up and returned it to me, so happy haha!

But, today, I've really overspent, I got this feeling, my dad is gonna nag at me... again. Yes he nagged once last month, and the month before, so I'm guessing another round is gonna come soon. VERY SOON.

Oh! Bought a shirt with a Bear-Bear pin. Well, actually the shop keeper told me I'm supposed to pay for the bear pin, but I bargained and she gave me for free, so ya, YAYNESS!! :)

Well, hope tomorrow will be okay, cos, I think I'll feel emotional again cos Dear is booking in. But, hey, last week of the 19 week, I should be happy for him, so just keep the happinest going!... at least until Monday arrives, then I'll be stress all over again.

Monday to Thursday: Working plus studying mode.
Friday to Sunday: Relax and Chill mode.
Preparing to switch mode anytime now. Argh what a dreadful thing to do...

Anyway, til then
TOODLES!!! XD
Jean

Heading nowhere

Every year is like a new path, a new journey to me. Every year, I would set off with a goal/ an end in mind, hoping that I will achieve what I've aimed for.
This year, I seem to lack a goal. Actually, I don't have a goal... maybe to some,I do have something to achieve this year... but they are just not that kind of "end in mind" I'm looking for.

I don't know this is the "god-knows-how-many-times" this year that I've felt like this. Feels like I'm moving forward aimlessly - like moving with the flow; I'm "obliged-to-move-on-not-because-I-want-to". Then... I'll stop and ask myself where I'm heading to? But I never have an answer. Heading nowhere, I must say.

It is saddening to find yourself stuck with the flow and not able to do anything to get yourself out of the situation - The monotony of life; the expectations of people on you that you will never meet; the fact that you've lost the sense of control over many things; the uncertainties of future. Its dark and bleak. I dare not imagine, I dare not look forward.

I lost the power to control, I'm afraid... very afraid of what lies before me. Losing the motivation to move on at such young age... I feel sorry for myself. What will happen to me for the next 6 months? Actually the question should be, what will happen to us in the next 6 months?

Changes are always taking place... I thought I can adapt to it, but actually I still can't. Its never easy to deal with changes. I hate it, but sadly, thats life - ever changing.

Yes, I'm still walking on this path, hoping to find my answer and my goal along the way. Its one lonely quest, but I need to do this. However before I continue my search, I'll need to take a break and do some soul searching to clear my mind.

Jean

Alone time

My family will be back late, so I'm left home alone tonight.

Well, it ain't so bad to be left alone for awhile. Allowing myself some quality time with... myself. I'm not exactly gonna slack my night away just like that, I have work to do. There is really nothing bad about data entry, but what frustrates me the most is, the classification of accounts... Nah, lets not go in to that.

I've got contact lens! Ya, gonna try something new and I finally can buy myself sunnies!!! haha!!!

Well, taking a break from the frustrating accounts, dinner at 630pm.

Nothing really exciting this week, hope next week will be better. :)

Jean

Pacing

I don't know why, it seems to me that the next few months and years (until I'm done with ACCA) seems pretty bleak to me.
Erm, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying studying ACCA doesn't provide me with a good prospect, it certainly does. Its just that, during the days when I don't have to report for lessons, I don't want to report to Acme Focus for work.
And god knows which unit Dear will be posted to, I'm afraid we will have lesser and lesser time for each other.

I started to pace over whether I really should go for ACCA. If not, where else should I go?

I mean, it has nothing to do with the course, I love accounts, but... I just cannot imagine what will the next few months be like? Yea, I have schedules and plans, but there are many unforeseen circumstances which I cannot plan for, and there are many uncertainties which I'm afraid to face.

Well, at the end of the day, everything will still remain as a question mark unless I walk towards it and explore. However, what kept me pacing on, is my relationship... will we end up not having enough time for each other? What will happen if his unit needs him to report on weekends and rest on weekdays, whilst I'm only free on weekends?!

URGH!

Pacing all over again...
Jean

Phases of my life

Another 2 More weeks to the start of the next phase of my life, and this blog has followed me through secondary school, JC and soon, College.

Right now, what and who I can think of to blog about is about me and Dear. I'm happy that even after all that ups and downs; and we are almost a year old, we are still so deeply in love with each other.

I was uncertain about where I would end up after my A levels. Will I step in to the music/ performing arts industry? education? or accounts? Or maybe even some other industry which I'll never expect myself to major in. But now, though I still don't know what lies in front of me, since I've chosen accounts, I'll just walk down the path and let nature take its course - Come What May.

But I have a goal in mind which I'm pretty certain about achieving it. I think it will happen. As for what goal/ dream is that? Its for me to know and for you to find out. Well, you will know it eventually. ^^

Til Then
Jean

Happy :)

Yay! after two freakin weeks, I finally get to meet Dear.

Anyway, I spent a wonderful Friday and Saturday with him. He won me alot of toys, like really, A LOT. LOL! THANKS DEAR!!! XD
Yes, yesterday and today was definitely part of the 90%, and I believe theres more to come :)

Okay, I'm like spamming the soundtrack of The Pirates Of The Carribean. Want to watch it again... LOL!!!

Oh my Oh My, school is starting soon... Need to quickly go get my materials and revise first, before I can't catch up with the lecturer.

Jean

TPGE Handover Camp 2011

I attended TPGE's guitar camp yesterday. The 2 day 1 night camp ended in a blink of an eye. It was pretty enjoyable, and whats so memorable about it was the fact that this was the first camp I ever participated with Net. Well... actually she wasn't supposed to go, but I thought since its school holidays, why not bring her along, let her enjoy herself before her school reopens; and I thought as an elder sister I could give her more chance to expose to more people and experiences.

Anyway, this month is relatively less busy than May, nontheless my schedule is still pretty packed up. So I'm currently having some time management issues. Lol!

I'm very exhausted from the camp... so why am I still blogging at this ungodly hour? You might ask. Well, my daddy just bought me a new laptop (because the previous one died on me a few weeks ago) now I'm personalizing and configuring it, so tomorrow I can bring it to work.

Yes, I'm working tomorrow, how lucky is that? No rest but more work.

With school starting in July, I may need to stop guitar teaching. July might be my last month teaching guitar. I started with TPGE and I'm glad I can end it together with TPGE. And most probably, I won't be going back anymore. All good things will have to come to an end. My relationship with TPGE didn't end last year when I stepped down as a senior, but this year, as a grand-senior to the J1s. I'll definitely miss playing with my ensemble, playing on stage achieving one ensemble, one sound.

The installations are taking forever~ I'm knocking out soon~

Jean

Mid-year resolutions

So far, this year has been rather... eventful. I've spent much more time with my friends then I usually would. Also, with the (almost) 6 months break from school work, I'm pretty ready to hit the books again.

What I hope I could do for the next 6 months would of course be attaining good grades for my 4 papers; keep Six Harmonix alive and going - meaning going for gigs and performances; continue my piano; take up another instrument, probably guitar; practice my electric guitar; start with the comic project; start with my own publishing project; take up singing lessons; record more songs with Net; pass my driving test; accomplish all my AcmeFocus assignments well with no careless mistakes; build deeper bond with my friends, my band mates, my family plus relatives and of course my dear; finish that 1000 pieces puzzle (yes, I haven't complete it). I think, I can accomplish all of these this year, provided that I actually start on them.

I hope we can move house this year, I really think my space is too small... :( and I hope I can persuade my parents to get me a cheap laptop because the current one that I'm using, is really getting on to my nerves!!!

Oh yeah, I didn't get into any local U, but SAA is fine :) Just as I planned two years ago. Well maybe I'm really destinied to become an accountant. Moreover, I want to help my parents in some way, so going for ACCA doesn't seem bad at all.

I'll start school in July, my break will end soon. 3 more weeks to enjoy my freedom. Oh boy, I can't wait for school!!! XD

Shall start changing my blogging style and display :)

Jean

Flawed

As much as I try to be calm about it and let things go, I realised I can't, because I'm human, I'm flawed, therefore, I kick up a big fuss out of small things. Yeah, call me unreasonable. I had enough trying to be nice, sometimes it just never pays to be kind.

I've decided to let my emotions flow, because I'm sick of bottling things up and act that I'm okay when I'm not. Like it or not, up to you.

Jean

May 2011

Wow, it has been awhile since I last post anything up here. April went by quickly, almost half a year gone.

Well, I've experienced (and still experiencing) many changes around me. However, unfortunately I'm not adapting very well; but I'm definitely making a lot of effort to adjust myself towards these changes, tough but I'm positive about it.

I've stopped working at Acme Focus, now I'm an assistant guitar instructor at AJC, soon to be SRJC's and hopefully TPJC as well. Also, thanks to Angelyn, she has gotten me a tuition job! So, I can consider myself a busy woman now. Haha!

One of my new year resolutions is to do something useful, well with the jobs on my hand, and the commencement of my SPCA duties, I guess I can safely check this item out of my list!

This week is one of those adjustment weeks, where I need to get used to my newly planned schedule. For someone who rejects changes big time, its has been really difficult. Hope I can quickly recover from it and really concentrate with my work.

Mr Choo asked me a question yesterday and it has been occuring in my head ever since. He asked me if I were to choose a job which I'll willingly to it for free, what would it be? Obviously that job would be the dream job which I wouldn't even mind not getting paid doing for. Well I didn't really reply his question but its definitely an answer I'm searching for as well. I have so many friends with ambitious dreams, what are mine? I guess its time for some soul searching.

Jean

Home bound

I'm officially addicted to playing the piano.
Woke up at 8 today, and played the piano til now, and I'm planning to get back to it afterwards.
Well, tried some new songs, and attempted to perfect TOP CAT.
Can't believed I could actually spend my whole day on the piano, that definitely a good sign, means my passion for piano has came back.

I'm still deciding if I should buy that music box. I mean ya, I love it but I'm unemployed now so I really shouldn't spend so much. T_T Unless... some kind souls are willing to buy it for me I'd greatly appreciate. ^^

Registered for driving lesson. Yes, like finally?! Well I did mentioned before the reason that deterred me from driving lessons were the amount of crashes I've made while playing driving simulation games in the arcade. I really do hope the simulations are different from actual driving. T_T All lessons will commence in May.

Anyway, hope my application as a SPCA volunteer gets approved soon, cause staying at home is boring and I'm too lazy to work, so now, volunteer work would be the most ideal. So if everything goes well, I'd have volunteer work, guitar teaching, driving lessons and piano lessons to keep me occupied for the upcoming months.

What do I do when I'm at home? Play my piano, play the guitar, sing, draw, write my stories, house chores... Well practically they are the things that I wanted to do when I was still schooling. I was always complaining that school has taken away my time to do all these things. Now? When I'm not schooling, I complain that after I've done all of the above, I still have excess supply of time in hand and I have no idea how to spend it.

Go back to school shall we?

Well til then ^^
Jean

Realise

I've made some deep realisations over the week.
I'm pretty much cleared of my doubts and anxieties now.
I mean I should be more contented with what I have right now, I really shouldn't ask for more. I'm thankful that I've made it this far. I'll continue on.

Well, its undeniable that these worries might just surface again... But, I will try to not think of them.

I need to learn just one more thing.
Place more trust in people around me.

Jean

Get well soon

I don't whats happening to my throat, I haven't been speaking much for the past few days because it hurts so bad, that I would rather resort to body language as my form of communication between people, than talking.
I hope I would at least regain ten percent of my voice so I can teach the J1s tomorrow. I'm already on two days medical leave and I don't want a third day.

What do you do when you are so free at home? I was downloading apps from the market. :P Yeah, I've downloaded a diary app on my phone LOL, I have no idea how useful it is, but frankly, I downloaded it because of the user interface. Hopefully it can replace my hardcopy diaries and save some trees lol!!!

Anyway, I need to get well soon, so I won't rot at home and allow my mind to run wild. I really hate thinking so much. Worrying, its a killer. Its torturing me to no end and I hate it.

Jean

The answer

I'm happy for those who have found their direction in life; Those who are still searching don't worry about it because you will find it one day.

As for me? I'm again neither here nor there. I think I've found it, but at the same time, I'm still doubtful about it, so have I found my path? I guess it is still a question.

I've always made my decisions based on my parent's expectations, now that I'm asked to do what I really want, I seem to struggle. What I really want? A question that has been ringing in my head ever since last Friday. But I can't seem to find the answer, and I can't ask anyone for help because if I don't know what I want, I suppose no one else would know (unless they could read my mind better than I do).

It seems like I can no longer escape this question anymore. I ought to see it coming. I should have prepared myself earlier. What happened to the Jean who always plan ahead? Where has she gone to? Where is she when I need her for the answer to my question?

Jean

Ambition

Before I start on anything, well 'm glad that the happening week has come to an end. Well I expected myself to feel down because of my A levels results and my piano exam, but apparently I didn't. So this week seems generally happy. Of course, I have quite a few emotional moments because I have some personal issues to deal with and up til now I'm still bugged by it, but I hope it will go away soon.

I need to make a trip to DTE to buy that beautiful music box but next week I'll be overloaded with work (because of the one week leave I took) so, dear music box, do wait for me to get you home someday ya?

Anyway, when I was still a child, my teacher loved to make my class write compositions about our ambition. My ambition ranged from a farmer, to a vet, then a doctor to becoming a pilot, a musician, an artist, teacher, astronaut... etc. The fact is, I haven't gave much thought about what I would like to be when I grow up, because to me at that point in time, deciding my career seems so far away.

Who knows, NOW, I'm at this crossroad trying to figure out exactly what I would like to do when I enter the workforce. I'm trying to reconcile my dreams and reality, trying to find a balance between the both. I hope to do something I like but at the same time I could feed myself as well as a family with my job.

I need to pry into my heart and really ask myself what is it that I want. Because I've regretted my choice two years ago, I don't want to make another choice that will make me regret even further.

Jean

A good start indeed

Okay, believe it or not, my piano exam was fine. As in FINE!!! There is a possibility that I could pass this time round!!! HAHA!!! XD
Well unless of course, the only thing that would pull my grades down and make me fail would be my aural test. T_T
I'M A VOCALIST!!! THE EXAMINER ACTUALLY GRIMACED WHEN I'M HAVNG MY AURAL TEST!!! Sight reading was bad enough, sight sing? Leave me alone!!!

Okay, well since its over, I shan't be bothered by it anymore. Went for a haircut and highlighted my hair. :) LOVE IT!!! XD

Seems like its a good start to this "Happening week" but I'm not too sure if I can end this week on a high note or not. Tomorrow Dear will be booking out, but don't think I can go see him because its too late. Anyway, YES!!! Going TPGE to help out = HAPPY!!!

Now lets mug for the theory exam. T_T

HAHA!!!

Til then,
Jean

The happening week starts now....

I'm anticipating a rather happening week ahead.
There will be tears and laughter - but more tears I guess.

I hope I can start this emotional roller coaster ride on the right note: Tomorrow's piano exam. Everything seems fine, I seem well prepared and definitely more confident than previous tries, however I cannot ignore the fact that I might freak out during the exam and screw things up like I did previously. I need something to calm my wrecking nerves if I ever do freak out tmr. Cross my fingers, and hope I'll do well.

Everyone is saying that A level results will be released this friday. Well, I'm going to brace myself for another round of family war because of my atrocious results. Will miracle happen?

Dear is booking out on Wednesday, thats definitely a YAY for me. However if his book out time is later than 9pm, I can't go down to fetch him. T_T Anyway, we are going for a movie on Thursday, so ya, still a YAY. ^^

Starting my TPGE work on Wednesday^^ Sweet.
After tomorrow, I need to start drilling my theory work because theory exam is on sat afternoon. Saturday night? going to attend JJ Lin's Concert.

If I'll feel down and upset, I need to try and pick up myself quickly. Because the world will not stop for me when I fell, I'll need to work harder, stand up and catch up with the world's pace.
"If life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile." (Its a nice quote I read online, can't remember the source; Let me know if you know thanks.)

Jean

Update

Off from work til 7 March because of my music exams.
Working in Acme Focus is mentally challenging, because the fact that I don't require much brain effort, I struggle a lot to keep myself awake. Its utmost important because I'm sitting right in front of the door, I don't want any clients to see me dozing off and have bad impressions of Acme Focus.

Try playing piano non stop for almost 8 hours a day, same songs, same scales and same arpeggios. I ought to give myself a break, but if I stop playing it would mean that I'm rotting my time away, and if I did badly for my exam, I would blame myself to no end.

Anyway, gonna start a drawing blog to share my work with everyone, so stay tuned ^^
Jean

Piano Exam

Piano exam is just next week and it is stressing me out. The thought of freaking out in the middle of the exam is really terrifying. I have got to clear this exam because I wouldn't wanna stuck at grade 5 forever.

Anyway, practiced the whole day, and I think I strained my right arm muscle. I need to take a break before studio session tomorrow. My pieces are alright but definitely not my scales. I hate those irritating scales. Why can't they just disappear?! 20 plus scales, they've got to be kidding me.

I can't think of anything else besides the practical exam right now. I'm even compromising my theory sessions for practical - and the worst part is, my theory exam is just four days away from the date of my practical!!! This is nightmare!!! 2nd to 4th March I'm gonna drill myself on theory big time. But worry not, as a matter of fact, my theory is much stable than my practical, so I shan't be too bothered about not spending enough time on theory.

Cross my fingers... Hope I don't freak out again like I did previously... :(

Jean

Overview

The days have been going on rather slowly.
I cannot imagine myself doing the same thing over and over again for three days, not to even mention that Dear has to do it for two weeks.

Piano exam and theory exam are just around the corner, just one week away actually. Frankly, I don't panic as much now because I see myself improving. However I worry that I may not have enough time to practice my scales and pieces next week because I officially have to go down to AF and report for work.

My exam week is the week when Dear book out, and probably the released of my A levels results. I mean seriously? Am I suppose to feel happy or sad?

Well I had a dream regarding my results yesterday. I got B for both my H1s, two As and one B for my H2!!! HAHA!!! Well looks good, but I said its a DREAM. Which usually... doesn't happen in reality. T_T
I'm gonna brace myself for an undesirable outcome.

1st March: Piano Practical exam
2nd March: Dear book out
4th March: Supposed release date of A levels result.
5th March: Music theory exam
6th March: Dear book in

How wonderful?
Imagine the emotional turmoil I'm gonna go through that week...

28th Feb to 1st March before piano exam I'm gonna feel super stress. After 1st march 1pm, I'll feel sad and happy at the same time. (Sad because I'll probably screw my exam up again, happy because Dom is booking out the next day.)
Then come 2nd March, I'll be super delighted which will last all the way til end of 3rd March.
Here comes 4th March, I'm gonna be super depress because of my atrocious results, but I'll have to pick myself up and not let it affect my music exam the next day, so I'll have to hold back my depression.
5th March, morning til 5pm I'll be stress, after 5 pm I'll continue to feel sad about my A level results.
Then 6th March, I'll be even more emotional because Dom booking in again....
Ya you know, the second week of march will be the healing week and what not...

Should I or should I not look forward to that week? *sigh*.... Whatever it is, it will come eventually, need to steel myself for whatever unhappiness that may come my way.

Jean

End

Free time is officially over.
Next week onwards gonna be very busy.

Should I be happy or sad?

Jean

Miracles?

I'm glad everything is back to normal... at least for now.
Mahjong has became our pastime, leave small gambling aside, the key thing is, while on the mahjong table, we communicate. Thats a good sign I suppose.

I don't know how long this happiness will last, I got a feeling it won't last very long, since my results are coming soon. I'm expecting another round of "turbulence". Similarly, I'm expecting another round of emotional turmoil - triggered by my results and the possible fact that my Dear weren't be with me. Sometimes, even if I've expected it, but I just can't help to feel disappointed. Perhaps, theres a part of me that wish for miracle to happen, or maybe theres a small tinge of optimisim in me.

Its okay Jean, you have ben through so many downs alone, I'm pretty sure you can get through this one. Yes, I certainly hope so.

Can I still believe that miracles do happen?
Miracles don't happen twice right? So I suppose it won't happen this time round...

Jean

Chinese New Year 2011

Why am I still awake at this ungodly hour? you ask.

Theres this saying, the longer the children stays awake at the eve of the Chinese New Year, the longer his/her parents and grandparents will live.
Regardless its a myth or a fact, for the sake of tradition, both my parents and grandparents, I'm gonna do it.

Since I really have nothing to do right now, all I could do is... Blog.

Lets start things out with a HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR PEOPLE!!! ^^ Stay happy and healthy. Have a wonderful year ahead.

This blog has been running for almost 4 years now. Many times I've toyed with the idea of shutting it down, because for the past few months, emo-posts are thriving over happy posts. This is sad because it signifies that my life is full of unhappiness isn't it. And not to mention, the irony of the name of the blog: Vivace Repertoire, when nothing in it seems... Vivacious.
But then again, its a pity to just close it down. Yes, I know I've a lot of junk entries and whatnot, but they are still part of my life. And thats what constitute me as an individual. If I just deactivate this blog, means that all of my entries thoughout these 4 years would be gone. And judging by my short term memory situation, I can kiss all these memories goodbye, they can never be remembered ever, again. So ya, I shall bear with it, and make sure I produce some quality entries to compensate for the...low quality oneS.

Anyway, a new year ahead, I'm gonna make myself useful. No more being lazy. Its gonna be tough but I've gotta try it somehow.

Everything has been going on fine with me and Dear, hope it will continues on.

Another abrupt ending to an entry. Haha!

Til then
Toodles
Jean

Thoughts

I've done a lot of thinking this week... (yes I know I'm always thinking about something but this week MORE cognition is done.)

I've decided what to do after CNY, whether they like it or not, I've made up my mind.
I feel that I'm old enough to decide for myself. Even if you think that what I'm doing will be utterly useless and a waste of my time... then I feel that, you should just let me go and let me learn it the hard way. Call me stubborn for all I care, but I only lead this life once, I ought to do something crazy/that I like once in awhile. If I have to be so practical all of the time, seriously, its tiring. Stop imposing your views on me. I need to be independent so I implore you... Let Me Go.

Chinese New Year is just around the corner. When I was younger, it really used to be such a big thing. Preparations here and there: buy new clothes, go for a hair cut, go all the way down to chinatown to buy some new year goodies blah and so on... but as we grew older, all of these preparations seem to be such a chore. We don't prepare stuffs anymore. Its no longer a must-do. I think its sad... actually. I envy families who still cherish such traditions.

After next week, my new year resolution officially starts.
1) Yes I won't be lazy and I'll be diligent.
2) I will do something useful this year.
These two are the utmost important resolutions for the year of rabbit. ^^ I aim to accomplish them. By the end of this year, I hope that I can proudly say that I've accomplish my resolutions. ^^

Kay kay time out ^^
Toodles!!!
Jean

Shopping ^^

Yes, went shopping today!!!
HAHA!!! Didn't buy a lot, but, one piece already cost a bomb, so, I'm broke now. T_T

I need to choose 2 sets out of the 3 sets of clothes I've prepared for Chinese New Year... HEADACHE NOW!!! HAHA!!!

Thank god, shopping kept me occupied today, or else I'll die if I keep thinking about dear. ^^ So yup yup, haha!! HAPPY DESHOU~ ^^

I think I sprained my left pinky while practicing piano just now. Told my teacher about it, and she was like: "Ok, we will do theory tomorrow then, I know I asked you to practice your exam pieces, but you don't have to practice until like that right?"
I didn't tell her, but the truth is... I was practicing other songs, not my exam pieces :P

HAHA!!!

Till then
Toodles ^^

JEAN

Let go

Spending time playing piano (not exam pieces) really take my mind off a lot of things.

Letting go... its quite an art to master... We all have to let go at certain point in life ya?
Yeah... its difficult at first, its cos you are just not used to it. After you are able to pull through that period, everything will be fine.

I'm trying to let go... a lot of things actually, because only then I can be happy. Unfortunately, it will be more difficult for me because I have to let go of things which I had held on to since almost ten years ago.

Unload myself.

Anyway, though I'm working for Acme Focus, I really have nothing much to do. So right now, I'm like rotting at home everyday? But I'll expect a heavier workload after Chinese New Year, so now I'm like super free? Yes, super free. So I'll Junior, I'll play piano, I'll draw, and yes complete that thousand pieces puzzle, do my music homework.

I'm just too lazy to get started... but once I start I can't stop. Oh yes, I'm that sort, if you get me addicted to do something, I'll keep doing it everyday. But the key is, you have to get me started. if not, I'll just rot... all day... I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!!

Jean

Restart

I'm determined to be happy this week.
So, troubles, you can just shoo off to a corner and I deal with you some time later.
Escaping again? Yeah I guess so. Then again, if I can't solve them now, why don't I leave them til later.

Anyway, packed my room... it looks much tidier now, but the way I stack things up... I sense something ominous coming the way. Junior got a new place to settle now and mum won't threaten to throw him away anymore... but I'm at this constant fear that he will fall from that place... so ya, I'll have to be extra cautious...

On a side note, nothing beats crying in Blueberry's arm, he is such a dear, so cuddly and so comforting. ^^

OKay, time to wrap up my unhappiness and restart. Thank god its still January, 2011 will be a good year, I'm pretty sure. ^^

My Roller Coaster is starting to go up now ^^

Jean

Breaking point

Yeap, I've finally reached my breaking point.

Suppression doesn't work... at all. In the end, when I break down crying, I don't even know why and what I'm crying for...

I've fallen yet again in to that hole...
Worst part is, I don't even feel better after crying...

Anyway, I'm very tired with myself again. I thought all the going out will take my troubles away, but no... they are always haunting me. Staying at home just makes me feel even worst. I hate being caught in the middle. Didn't know it was that scary... I didn't know what to do... at a lost.. who should I help? I don't know... I have to take a side, take a stand, but either side will hurt either party... my mind is in a mess... it was really awful.

I tried to make myself forget... but no! I just can't let go!!! What should I do?!
I'm neither here nor there.

I'm simple yet I'm complicated, which makes me as a person even more complex. I expect complexity out of simplicity... too 'deep' for you? Yes, thats me.

I want to escape, leave everything behind... Just be happy for a day... just a day... is it that hard???


I'm not happy.
I'm really not.
I'm very miserable....

Jean

Tired...

Suppressing my emotions has become my forte. A skill that I've honed over the past 19 years.

From a temperamental kid who explodes whenever I like, to someone who would rather bottle up all the emotions and not hurt anyone - anymore - with my flaring-ups... I guess age and experiences have mellowed me over the years.

If you think that my flare-ups now are intolerable, then please imagine... my flare-ups a few years back were ten times, no.. a hundred times worst.

But seriously... suppression? me? No one would ever believe that I'm always controling myself. Always reminding myself that I shan't make a scene; a fool out of myself in the public. Yes, I'm always controling, trying to manage my anger. Yes, I failed sometimes, but you see... I'm human, I'm flawed.

It has been a rather tormenting week I must say. Bugged my immature worries - yes, I'm struggling to grow up, but I can't.
I'm aware of a lot of things, but half of me always tries to go against the truth. I already know what I want and what the answers were, but I always have to convince myself that it isn't so. I am so afraid to make another wrong decision. I am so afraid I might lose something again.

Reconciling my thoughts with the truth... Why is it so hard to accept the truth?

What I have now seems so intangible... why am I always worrying that I might lose them anytime?
Don't I deserve them? To be loved?
What have I done wrong, so much so that I always have to worry that you might take them away from me?!

I can't feel anything except fear. Its eating me. Yes. Its fear.

I'm so tired... I really am...

Jean

Dream is a wish your heart makes

Good movies, I don't mind watching them twice or thrice. The record was four times of "Knight and Day". HAHA!!!

Anyway, heres a nice song for everyone!!!! DON'T GIVE UP YO!!!



Jean

For you ^^

Sometimes, I just need to talk things over and I'll be fine. Trashing things out, coming clean, it hurts but, at least I feel more comfortable.
Yes, after talking to daddy, to mummy, to Net and to dear, I feel like all my troubles are gone. Now the rainy clouds are gone, finally I can enjoy my 2011. Sunshine Yo!!!
But... can I ever expect everyone to tolerate my temperament?
Maybe, it would work for a couple of times, but for a long term basis... people will just get irritated and leave me. (With the exception of my family LOL)
I feel apologetic... especially to dear. I hadn't been nice (short tempered), I had issues, I'm asking so much, yet he tolerated it all. I'm thankful yet apologetic.
Now is finally sunshine over the rain. I'm relief.

Now I'm in the right mood for a post for dear ^^

Believe it or not, just when I thought I'll always be the minor role of my love life, he came in and proved me wrong.
I intended to step behind the scene and conceal my feelings til time make me forget. Until that fateful day, I realised, I'm no longer that minor character I thought I was because he, my dear, entered my life.^^
Unbelievable, I thought I was living in a dream. It took me quite awhile to register that all these are real.
I'm glad that I've found him, because there are really times where I don't know what will happen to me without him. He is the best thing that had happened to me. ^^
I'm short tempered, I get irritated relatively easily. I'm really thankful that he tolerated it all.
My only wish is that I hope that our love will last longer than eternity. ^^

Love him always. ^^

Jean

Love

爱，是给予对方十全的信任。
爱，就是要懂得包容与接受。
爱，就是拥有勇气互相坦诚。
爱，就是希望心爱的人快乐。

Jean

Back in business

Feeling a lot better now.
(Besides the Jaime photo Addie showed me), daddy had untied one of my emotional knots, and planning has been going on fine... but why I cannot entirely free myself from the emotional state of being troubled?

I mentioned I haven't done a proper drawing since 2 years ago, now I shall get back into drawing. ^^ Hope my right hand hasn't turn rusty yet haha!!! Quite a challenge to start drawing now haha!!!

Current self-appointed "Projects" are: New year drawing; Family Tee and probably do a couple tee for me and dear haha!!! Why spend money on other people's design when I can draw it myself :P haha!!!
Deadline: BEFORE CNY.
Yup not much time left, gonna start work now!!! HAHA!!!

JEAN

Repetition

My mood hasn't improve much since 31 dec 2010.
Theres still a nagging frustration inside me, which I cannot ignore.

Yea, I guess its pretty obvious, I love to escape. Its like a pain killer, ya, it soothes your pain now, but the pain will come back eventually.

I realised only 2 things in life can sway my emotions to both sides of the extreme. And I realised, no matter how selfish I am, I live for them. Whichever decisions I make are because of them. Its hard for me not to do so, because I've been doing that for years, and I don't think I'll stop anytime soon. Yes, its tiring and suffocating. I resent it, I dislike it, but I'll still do it, because I want them to be happy.

I realised, only Net knows me the best. Its like we have that telepathy which enable us to even predict accurately what one another will say next and what one another are thinking about. I know when she is not alright, likewise, she can sense when I'm not feeling okay. I'm really thankful to have her as my sister, because she is the one who is there when I'm unhappy, and will tolerate me everytime when I rant and flare up when I'm irritated (when she is not the one at fault).

Anyway, further rants will only be a repetition, shall end it here.

Jean

Rainy Cloud

I didn't want my first post of the year to be a depressing one, haha, so the previous post is purely there to liven things up abit.

Seriously, I keep feeling that theres a rainy cloud following me everywhere, glooming over my head.

I'm frustrated and I HATE it when people break their promises, patronizing me when they are not serious about what I'm saying. I'm irritated with myself for being impulsive. Why am I always the one who give in? I'm angry with myself for not being able to plan and end up losing my way. I don't like it when they are not there to guide me. I'm nineteen but I'm independent. I want to tell them I've grown and I know what to do, but I'm angry at myself for lying so. I feel burdened. I feel neglected. I feel lonely. But what can I expect from them? I can't always make them worry. I want to tell them I still need them, but it seems like I can no longer depend on them anymore. I'm lost, I don't know what to do... who can I turn to and give me some real answers to my problems?

On top of these, I'm still struggling to decided if I should buy myself an electric guitar. Is it out of impulsion? or passion? I wanna test myself, but...

It seems meaningless now. Apologies seems so cliche, does it still mean what it meant? Thats why sometimes I'm so reluctant to apologise, because it never seems enough to redeem myself. I'm sick of it.

Why is it so tiring?
Will all these ever be resolved?

Jean

2011

First post for the year.
HAHA!!!

HAPPY 2011!!!

Jean